#i do wear a bra but that’s a personal sweat-management preference and nothing more

[explode-this]

The previously reblogged posts are perfect and didn’t need my additions to them, i just want to affirm separately that you don’t need makeup. If you like it, great, but the idea that you “need” to wear it to be presentable in public is a bold-faced scam, a whole lie, an entire industry balancing precariously on the notion that women in particular need to put in a whole bunch of time and effort into their appearance in order to be acceptable, worthwhile, and seen as “hygienic”—see also body hair removal. If you’re a diehard makeup and body hair removal person then yippee for you, but I would gently suggest examining the use of the word “need” whenever referring to these acts and start owning that you want to do them, and then examine why you want to and whether you even want to or not. To that end if you feel you “need” to because of a professional obligation, then here’s a secret: you don’t “need” to wear it to do your job, either. Are all the products doing that job? Can your concealer and foundation get on the phone and interface with a client or run a register or make a smoothie or avoid that one annoying chud in your office who corners you by the water cooler to hit on you in a plausibly deniable way or whatever skill/hack comprises the hardest parts of your occupation? And if you’ve been convinced that some kind of front-facing job requires you to look your best in order to be more convincing or sell the product/service or make you more “palatable” to customers/clients, even to the point where it’s actually expected by your employers, try asking for a stipend for those products if it’s so much a part of your job and watch your employer squirm trying to figure out how to get away with saddling you with extra expenses and effort that perhaps other employees don’t have to worry about (cough, dudes, cough—and yes, i know about face shaving, and here’s something else, I don’t think that’s professionally necessary either *looks pointedly at the NY Yankees*)

[ddarker-dreams]

Saturnine. Yan Chrollo x Reader [SMUT]

Tags/warnings: Dubcon, oral sex, creampie, my brain melting, condescending ???, Chrollo always has smth to say Word count: 2.2k. Note: it is finally done .

When gazing into the mirror, it should be easy to recognize the reflection staring back as your own. It’s the sight you’ve seen your entire life. Maybe the light in your eyes is less noticeable and your smiles no longer appear genuine, but in the end, it still physically bears your image.

You shiver at the chilly air kissing your bare skin, goosebumps erupting at the lack of clothing. Thin fabric clings tightly around your body, sheer and intricate in its lace design, yet astonishingly soft to the touch. It accentuates the swell of your chest, the black as midnight fabric stopping just shy above your midriff. A matching thong connects to sheer thigh highs through a garter belt to complete the set. Never in your life can you recall wearing such a lascivious outfit. Nor did you think you’d ever wear one for him.

Covering your exposed cleavage with your arms, you lower your head, fingernails pressing so harshly against your skin that it hurts. The pain serves to ground you in reality, proof that this is happening and not a dream.

“Did I… do this right?” You murmur, not used to how Chrollo is wordlessly assessing your trembling figure. Normally the air is full of conversation, equal parts rigid and provocative, a verbal game you’ve been forced to navigate. You still prefer the mind games over this maddening silence. You’re convinced he can hear the way your heart pounds viciously as if it was attempting to free itself from your body altogether, the current stress it’s under too much to withstand.

Chrollo moves a step closer and you take a deep, shaky breath. Grey eyes rake over your body, like a predator monitoring its prey, inspecting every inch of you. He spreads his fingers against your stomach, coarse fingers gliding over your skin, gradually moving upwards.

“Mm. You did perfectly.” His voice is rich and husky against your ear, spoken lowly so that only you may hear it. When his fingers reach their intended target, he cups your chest and lays his head on your shoulder. You watch his actions in the reflection of the mirror, glossy lips parting but no words managing to form on your tongue. Emotions swirl within you like an unrelenting vortex. Repulsion. Frustration. Shame. That it came to this, lowering yourself to a level you never wanted to be reduced to.

While you ruminate in your misery, Chrollo presses featherlight kisses from the crook of your neck to your jaw. His lips are soft and well taken care of, curling into a smile at how your pulse quickens. There are numerous mysterious surrounding Chrollo, but you do not doubt that he’s enjoying himself now. Your attention is brought back to his hands on your chest and how he kneads them. A blush ignites when you feel something hard press brush your ass, already guessing what it is.

“S-so you’re going to,” you struggle to get out, releasing a gasp when he suddenly pinches your nipple, “Keep… keep your promise, right?”

The clarification is for your peace of mind. An internal justification is necessary to continue with this illicit act, doubts plaguing your mind. You feel his chest rumble against your back, a deep chuckle leaving him. Regret comes swiftly, knowing that anytime you speak to Chrollo his responses sting deep, piercing your skin and festering.

One of his hands comes to your jaw, tilting your head back to look at him. The proximity has your eyes wide as a doe, his warm breath fanning against your face, dark tresses of hair tickling your face. His grip is tight but not painful. A not so subtle reminder of the Phantom Troupe leader’s innate strength, that goes beyond any measurement your mind could conjure up. Your squeeze your eyes shut when he leans forward, pressing a chaste kiss to the edge of your lips.

“What if I don’t?” Chrollo’s question has you frowning, eyelids fluttering open so you can shoot him a glare. He stares back unfazed, amusement visible from his closed mouth smile and relaxed posture, clearly not feeling intimidated by your little show. You decide to give it some thought, knowing he’ll scrutinize your response if not chosen carefully. Though, it’s admittedly difficult to concentrate when your face is burning up and his hand is still groping your chest.

Swallowing thickly, you arrive at a half-decent comeback. “I’ll… I’ll hate you.”

It sounded far better in your head.

Chrollo raises an eyebrow at your rebuttal but decides to entertain it. “Don’t you already?”

“I’ll hate you even more,” comes your reply, stumbling out before you could think it over. Luckily, or maybe unluckily, he doesn’t take visible offense. Instead, the bastard laughs again. Affectionately, Chrollo brushes his knuckles over your cheek, mirth dancing in his eyes.

“Even more, huh,” he hums, your nonsensical ramblings sounding worse when repeated back. “If that’s the threat I’m contending with, then I’ll be sure to stick to my word.”

You’re not exactly reassured by this, but decide to leave it for now. Suddenly, Chrollo steps back, freeing you from his grip. Before you can ask about what he’s doing, his hands start loosening his belt. Ah. So the time for negotiating is over. His dress pants fall, revealing a prominent bulge pushing against his briefs.

“Now get on your knees for me.”

It wasn’t a request. You do as he says, hyper-aware of how he’s staring at you, the tile from your shared master bedroom cold against your shins. To save what little modesty you have remaining, you readjust your bra so your chest no longer threatens to spill out. Heartbeat picking up in pace, you lift a shaky hand, palming his crotch through the fabric. 

The muscles in his thighs tighten, yet every other aspect of him remains thoroughly composed. Playing with the waistband, you slowly pull it down, revealing Chrollo’s half-hard member. It’s long, around six inches when erect, with a prominent vein that you’ve learned is rather sensitive. Precum is already leaking from the head, a sight that worsens the blush on your face.

Chrollo runs his hands through your hair, a quiet sigh leaving his lips. You pick up on the unspoken encouragement to not keep him waiting. Readjusting yourself into a more comfortable position, you take his dick fully into your hands, giving it a tentative stroke to test the waters. No verbal response. He’s excellent at maintaining his composure, creepy as it may be. Pumping his cock from the base, you bow your head down, eyelids fluttering shut as you kiss and lick the tip. That earns you a sharp inhale and a tightened grip but nothing else. Wetting your lips with your tongue, you continue licking the tip while jerking him off, noting that his cum has a slight salty taste to it.

Now that your confidence has somewhat been built up, you part your lips to take more of him in, getting adjusted to his size. Chrollo lets out a shaky exhale, fingers curling deeper into your hair. It’s difficult to get into a solid rhythm as your anxiety is unrelenting. Being so vulnerable in front of a person whose hands, which are now intertwined with your hair, have slaughtered countless people. 

He could do the same to you at any time, you think, despite his insistence for not wanting to. Hollowing out your cheeks, you manage to take more of him in, stopping just shy as not to activate your gag reflex. It makes your stomach churn when he lovingly strokes your cheek, looking down at you with eyes glazed over with crazed lust. Of course, he wouldn’t make this easy on you and act different — he continues with the delusion that this is love.

“Eager, now are we?” Chrollo laughs breathlessly. You decide to ignore the comment, too focused on having him finish so you can move on with your night. The low groans and whispers of your name are starting to affect you, a factor that only adds to your shame.. Pangs of heat are building up in between your legs, which you subconsciously rub together in a feeble attempt to relieve yourself. Chrollo quietly groans, content at the sight, dick twitching in your mouth. You wish he hadn’t noticed just how turned on you’re growing — not that you’re surprised with how unfairly observant he is — fully prepared for more scathing comments.

“I’m glad you stopped being so stubborn,” he pushes himself deeper into your mouth, gripping your head tightly enough not to let you move away, “So I can finally have my way with you.”

You wince at how he forces his dick down your throat, tears stinging the corners of your eyes and lungs screaming for air. Chrollo drinks in the sight, shuddering, bucking his hips, and pulling your face as tight against him as he can. You figure his release is getting closer from how erratic his movements are growing. At least it’ll be over soon. This line of thought is interrupted as he pulls away, saliva and cum connecting your mouth to his dick in a thin line, which has you frowning. Relishing the opportunity to regain yourself, your lungs greedily gulp in air, and you cough from his previous actions.

Chrollo extends a hand out to you which you hesitantly accept. The more human side is starting to show, his skin sheening with sweat, bare chest heaving for air much like yours, and black tresses sticking to the sides of his face. Your lips part, intending to ask why he stopped. He places both his just hands below your ass, hoisting you up as if you weighed nothing. Yelping, you struggle and cling to him as not to fall, eyes wide with confusion.

“W-what—”

“Wrap your legs around me,” he presses a chaste kiss to your forehead and you do as he says, scared that you’ll fall otherwise. “Mm. Good girl.”

Chrollo carries you over to the wall, your back pressing against the hard surface and feeling its coolness on your bare skin. After thinking about it for a moment, you understand what it is he intends to do next, tightening your grip around him. He positions the head of his cock against your opening, smiling at how wet you are. At least he’s too focused to comment on your current state. You look to the side, not wanting to see the pleased expression you know is on his face.

“I’ll take care of you after,” Chrollo promises, slowly pushing himself inside you. You take a deep breath, gripping his shoulders tightly, fingernails digging into his skin. At least he’s allowing you to adjust. You yelp when he grabs a fistful of your hair, tugging it so that you look him dead in the eye. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Hm?”

A half-choked out moan leaves your lips as he fills you, feeling his sizeable length stretching you out.

“Y-yes,” You pant, carnal desire outweighing any solid reasoning at the moment. Chrollo continues to pound relentlessly into your cunt, burying his face in your neck. He’s coming undone, fucking you with a strength that has you breathless. You catch occasional guttural groans of your name and don’t want to admit how nice it sounds.

“I always knew you’d come around.” 

The sound of skin on skin fills the room, mixed in with his grunts and your moans. Squeezing your ass, his thrusts grow erratic, before he finally stills. Chrollo releases deep inside you, pulling you down onto him, hot ropes of cum filling you and seeping out.

He grits his teeth, shuddering at his release. All is still for a moment aside from your heavy chests. Chrollo gathers himself before you do, slowly pulling himself out. You feel his cum as it drips out of you and bite your lip at the possible implications. Everything is so warm and your body feels terribly sore, having to clutch onto him for stability when he puts you back down. Chrollo doesn’t seem to mind this, laughing as he runs his hands through your mousled hair.

“How precious.”

You yelp when he picks you up, bridal style this time, your face pressing against his chest.

“It looks like you needed some help there, dear.” Chrollo hums, placing you down onto the bed with a gentleness you weren’t used to. There’s no way any normal human could be this collected already. Taking deep breaths, you attempt to calm yourself, not wanting to be completely undone before him. Chrollo watches with intrigue while you do so, his eyes piercing through your trembling body. When you finally manage to get your breathing steady, he gently pushes your shoulders down and spreads your legs.

“Now, about that promise of mine,” he presses open-mouthed kisses from your ankle to your thighs, “I intend to keep it. We’ll keep going until you’re no longer able to stand.”

[moonctzeny]

First Times

“Jae”, you whispered, gaining his attention, “We will still be best friends after this, right?”

He pulls you closer to him, making your face rest on his naked chest. He smelled like sweat and that intense body spray, like those days he came back from his basketball practice to meet you under the treehouse. He smelled like home.

pairing: childhood friend/ceo! jaehyun x fem! reader

genre: smut, angst

word count: 6.584k

warnings: loss of virginity, then not so virgin sex lol, squirting

summary: “Jaehyun had been your best friend ever since you were 7 years old, but after a certain incident he disappears, without informing you of his whereabouts. You had come to terms with the fact that you’ll never see him again until your paths cross unexpectedly, meeting as boss and employee”

a/n: I feel like ceo! jaehyun fics are overwritten so I tried to focus more on the childhood friends to lovers aspect, giving it a little twist

———————————————————————

There was no way that was him.

When you were 10 years old you couldn’t wait to have your first kiss. You were plain obsessed with the romance dramas that were playing on tv, your mom complaining about having to witness the same unrealistic tropes over and over again, but you stayed frozen in front of the screen.

Why were the characters so caught up in the thought of seeing each other? Why were they willing to risk everything they had for the other person? You were curious to find out about the love the grown ups talked about, and playing mommy and daddy with the neighbor’s son, Jaehyun, wasn’t cutting it anymore.

He was waiting for you in his treehouse, preparing his toys for your playdate. A table of pots and cutlery on one side of the room and a battlefield with ships on the other. He preferred when you two dueled for the “fate of your country”, but he knew you liked to play house so he compromised. One hour of what you like and one hour of what he liked, that’s what his mom had said.

You stomped inside, your pout not matching his excited smile.

“Finally, you’re here! Can we play my games first? My uncle got me new soldiers, look!” He ran up to you, a bunch of different green miniatures in his hands. You didn’t bother to spare him a glance, too caught up in your personal drama.

“I don’t want to play games,” you whined, “I want a boyfriend!”

Jaehyun blinked a couple times, confused. “But you have one, me. I am your friend and I am a boy”

You threw your head back in frustration, groaning so loudly that the rest of the neighborhood probably heard you. “Noo it’s not the same! We don’t kiss on the lips and stuff!”

The little boy came closer to you, scowling. He was starting to get really impatient with your whining over these dramas that you liked so much. So what if you don’t kiss and stuff? It’s no big deal anyways!

He grabbed your ears, bringing you closer to his face and he gave you a small peck. Your first kiss.

“There. Will you play with me now?”

When you turned 18 you exchanged your love for dramas with a love for art. You also exchanged your calculus workbooks for oil paints and acrylics, busy with piecing together a portfolio that would get you accepted into art school. There was one thing that stayed stable in your life, however, that followed you from childhood into adolescence.

“Hey, sorry for being late, basketball practice took longer than I expected”, Jaehyun apologized and joined you at his backyard. The treehouse had gotten too old for inhabiting but the trunk you were currently lied against served its purpose as your current hangout after school.

“Hey”, you sniffled and he finally noticed how watery your eyes were. He dropped his sportsbag immediately, and sat next to you on the slightly moist grass, your arms touching.

“I’m guessing Mark denied your offer to go to the prom with you?”

You nodded, hiding your face in his embrace before he sees you crying. Being Jaehyun’s friend wasn’t always easy. His easygoing personality and good looks on top of being president of four school clubs made him one of the most popular kids in high school. You reminded yourself that he’s still the same boy you’ve always known, that you don’t have to feel threatened by the army of girls always clinging by his sides, but it was hard. It was hard to recount your rejection from this morning when he probably has never truly felt that feeling before. Even with his college applications pending, you knew he’d be successful. Any institution would be crazy to miss up on him, and the rest of the world felt that way about him too.

“I don’t wanna talk about it”, you mumble, leaning back before you stain his t-shirt even more, “Did Mina find the dress she is gonna wear after all?”

Your genuine worry for his prom date, even after your failed promposal, broke his heart. You were always so empathetic, so selfless, so nice to him. He didn’t have it in him to let you stay in your state of misery.

“Nothing”, he blurted, rushing to explain after seeing the confused look on your face, “she bailed on me last minute”.

That was a lie, but you didn’t have to know that. Jaehyun cancelling on his date would be a dick move, he knew that, but you being happy was his priority. It always has, at least as long as he was still here. “So if you didn’t mind, I was thinking we go together? As friends of course”

“Jae! I love you!”

You tackled him with a hug, the grass tickling his neck and he just laughed at the adorable screech you let out. You both stayed there enjoying the chill evening, talking about renting cars and matching outfits.

He let you rant about the dress you’ve chosen to wear and he promised to convince his parents to leave his house empty for the after party.

The prom night was the last time you saw Jung Jaehyun. There you two were, sprawled out on his bed and tired off your asses, spending what seemed like the most fun night of your life together. Your feet were in blisters from all the dancing, head spinning from the after-party vodka. Jaehyun had turned his head towards you, tie undone and staring at a piece of glitter that had fallen on your collarbone. He looked as handsome as ever in his suit, red eyes glued on you and a satisfied smile on his face.

“Your parents are gonna be so mad when they see the mess on their carpet. I told you not to get Jungwoo drunk”

Jaehyun laughed, his deep laugh reverbrating through the room. “Not if you tell them in the morning. They can’t get mad at you. You told your mom you’re staying over, right?”

You nodded, maybe shaking your head a lot longer than needed but your tipsy self wanted to make sure you got your message across.

“You know”, you started with a snicker, “she gave me like a million condoms for tonight. Probably thought I was planning on losing my virginity like any teenager with a social life”

He kept staring at you, eyes lazily taking in the sight of your pretty smile. “Yeah, same with my dad. I think that’s the only reason why they gave me the house”

You whipped your head to face him at the speed of light, mouth gaped open and  staring at him incredulously. “Jae, you’re a virgin??”

It was hard to believe. I mean sure, you hadn’t had any experience in the sex department either but you were, well, you. Shy with new people, horrible at flirting and a bit standoff-ish if you were being honest. But your best friend, as likable and good looking as he was, had never been with a girl before?

“Well, yeah, I was just kinda- I was waiting for the right person, you know? Someone to make it memorable”

You sighed, relating with his words but also...

“I just wish I could get it over with”, you confess and you saw Jaehyun gulp visibly. He was glancing at the nothingness on his ceiling, lost in his thoughts.

“Yeah”

The silence lasted for a few minutes, only the distant sound of a passing police car interrupting it. He sat on his knees, the conversation sobering him up significantly. “Remember when you wanted to have your first kiss and I just did it so you wouldn’t complain about it anymore?”

You smile fondly at the memory, waiting for him to continue. There was somewhere he was getting at.

“Well, we both want to not be virgins anymore, right? So let’s just do it”

You felt an electric tension growing between you. It was like you were holding two magnets, begging to touch each other but you still held them apart, because if you let go you just knew things would never be the same again.

Jaehyun leaned in, dunking his head at the last minute and kissing your neck instead. It was tentative, a kiss that tested the waters. He was still holding back, wanting to make sure you wanted this as much as he wanted it too. You scooted closer to him, placing your legs to frame his closed knees, putting his face gently in your hands.

His pupils were dilated, shifting to a million places but your voice managed to make him concentrate to your eyes solely. You could hear his heartbeat bumping in his chest.

“Jae, I love you. You have to trust me, ok?”

“Okay” he nodded, eyes wide open and sincere, “I love you too, so much”

You kiss him finally, and the room around you spun even more. The feeling was strangely comfortable, yet your lungs were struggling to do their job. In that moment, it felt like everything in the world was the way it was supposed to be, and you two were a part of that bigger, perfectly orchestrated picture. 

He grabbed you by your waist, bringing you over his lap. His fingers danced from your thighs to the zipper of your dress, the cool midnight air spreading goosebumps on your back. You help him out by pulling your straps down, staying in your strapless bra.

“If I knew what was gonna happen tonight I would wear cuter underwear”, you mutter and Jaehyun chuckles. Why did your heart skip a beat at the sound? It’d be a lie to say you hadn’t found yourself staring at your best friend a minute too long in the past, but tonight- Tonight the effect he had on you held an intensity that you’ve never felt before.

“Underwear can only help you out so much. They can’t do wonders”

“Wow Jae, way to make me drier that the Sahara desert”

He dipped back down to your throat, sucking at the soft skin over your collarbones and earning an embarassingly high-pitched moan from you. You felt him smile against your neck as he licked over the nibbled flesh in little circles, wishing he would repeat that motion on another part of your body.

“We’ll see about that”

As if he wanted to prove his point, he grinds you over his erection, lighting your insides on fire. Your dress was short, meaning that you could feel all of him-and it seemed like a whole lot- over your panties that were damping up.

“Show me your tits and I’ll show you mine”

Jaehyun laughed at your comment; ridiculous yet successful at calming his ragged breath down. The buttons of his dress shirt opened one by one, each of them revealing another inch of his smooth chest. His skin was glowing, and his abs proved that puberty was starting to work its wonders on him.

You trace your fingers over two moles on his chest, leaving soft kisses over them. You could feel his pulse on your lips, fast and pumping blood all over his body. Despite his attempts at staying collected over the loss of his virginity, you realized that he was probably as nervous and scared as you are.

“Your turn”, he whispered, bringing you back into the moment. You reach back to unclasp your bra, freeing your boobs, and a smile cracked on your lips at Jaehyun’s reaction.

He stayed frozen and gawking at your chest, hands twitching and not knowing what to do with the sight you so generously offered him. Bringing his hands into your own, you place them over your mounds, guiding him into squeezing them. He continues on his own, pinching your nipples as he leans forward for another kiss, probably to hide his evident blush from you.

The making out continued, leaving you both with only your underpants on. He places you on your back, and starts petting your clit over your panties, the motion so soft it drove you insane. Hungry for more. 

You started whining, grinding forwards against his fingers and he chuckled, pulling the fabric away to leave you uncovered. The chilly air was quickly exchanged with the feeling of his warm digits, causing a different kind of shivering. 

When he inserted the first finger in you, you felt like your whole body was burning up with a high fever. You’d done this again, with your ex-boyfriend in summer camp but it definitely didn’t feel as sinful and delicious and pleasureable as this. It pulled at a knot in your stomach, begging to be untangled and Jaehyun was taking his sweet time with you. Quick circles on your swollen bud and a nibble on your neck, that’s what it took for him to enjoy you shaking through an orgasm.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful”

You looked angelic with the sweat trickling down your chest, skin glowing in the limelight and Jaehyun would just sit and stare if it wasn’t for the tent in his boxers that was screaming for attention. Pulling at the soft fabric, you sprung him free and the boldness that came when you did started to evaporate. It hit you in that moment, that he had seen all of you and now you saw all of him- yes you had been best friends for years but this intimacy was unprecedented. And you liked the feeling.

You put him in your grasp, moving your fist in a pivoting motion with his precum as your lubricant. He throws his head back with a grunt that almost made you cum a second time and urged you to pick up the pace. Unsure of what to do next, you licked your other palm and started to massage his balls hoping he liked it. He did by the sound of his moans, but stopped you abruptly, scaring you that you accidentally did something wrong in your inexperience.

“If you continue like this I’m gonna cum. Let’s do this“

You swallow on nothing and reach to your jacket on the floor for the condoms your mum gave you. 

“Want a pink one? A green maybe? Blue?”, you joke and he pets your hair lovingly, looking down at you.

“Blue. Your favourite colour”

You smiled warmly at his response, satisfied with your decision to share this moment with your best friend. With someone who knew you so well.

Unwrapping the plastic, you placed the rubber over his hardness with shaking hands, following the instructions as best as you could. Jaehyun leaned down over you, planting a dozen kisses over your face as he positioned himself over your entrance.

“Ready?”

You nodded, giving him permission to dip his tip in, the first inches stretching you out nicely. The wetness caused by your orgasm helped your situation a lot, the slickness allowing him to dive a little deeper. Then, the stinging started, making you hiss and he kissed you immediately, trying to soothe you.

“I know, baby, I know. I’m sorry. We have to go through the hard part now ok?”

The nickname playing over and over again in your head gave you the patience needed to endure him bottoming out, along with the first thrusts. It was uncomfortable, but the feeling of him inside you, of the two of you coming together as one, released some chemical in your brain that made most of the pain go away. He took his fingers from your hips to gently pat away the teardrops staining your cheeks.

“That’s it baby, you’re doing so well”

His words and the feeling of his cock dragging against your walls drew a moan out of your half open mouth, the sound carrying on the air you two shared and landing on Jaehyun’s lips. There was a tension on your belly and something told you it wasn’t just physical, more like an emotional revelation, a fire already ignited but flared up by this incident. Your feelings towards your childhood friend, a love that was more than platonic.

For you, at least.

Jaehyun was young and you felt so tight around him that he didn’t take long to finish. He pulled out last minute, taking the condom out and spilling spurts of his cum all over your stomach. It earned a scowl and an eyebrow raise from you but the way he apologized, saying you “looked too beautiful to resist”, was too cute to stay mad at.

You laid back on his bed, holding hands and trying to register what just happened. The ocassional car drove by, the lights illuminating Jaehyun’s eyes that you noted were glossy. Maybe it was just as intense for him, you thought and squeezed his hands a little tighter.

“Jae”, you whispered, gaining his attention, “We will still be best friends after this, right?”

He pulls you closer to him, making your face rest on his naked chest. He smelled like sweat and that intense body spray, like those days he came back from his basketball practice to meet you under the treehouse. He smelled like home.

 “Forever”

Forever must have a different meaning in the Jungs’s dictionary, because after that night, Jaehyun was unreachable. You tried to text him, call him, only to be ignored and faced with stupid excuses.

You thought long and hard about why your best friend suddenly decided to ghost you. Maybe he didn’t like the sex. Understandable, since it was your first time, but it’s not like you promised him a night of mind blowing love making or anything. You decided that he probably felt too awkward to talk to you after that night and you told yourself to give him some space.

Three days passed, then another, then a week and still no sign of Jaehyun. Tired of the radio silence and irritated by his attitude, you got ready to visit him at his house, confront him one-on-one.

No, you didn’t wear your favourite perfume for him. It just so happened that you chose to put on that dress he had complimented you on before. You didn’t hope for him to call you beautiful again, or have a retake of the prom night fun. The butterflies in your stomach were probably the heavy lunch you ate. Yes, it was all coincidental.

You walked down the stairs with a pep in your step, storming through your parents in the kitchen.

“And were are you going so happy, young lady?”, your dad chirps and you smile at him.

“I’m gonna go see Jaehyun real quick!”

“Real quick? To a different country? He came back already?”

You stilled at the sound of your mother’s words, confused.

“A different country? I’m going down the street to the Jungs, mom”

“Honey, the Jungs are there but not Jaehyun. He moved abroad to study Business. Didn’t he tell you?”

The ground beneath your feet seemed to melt and pull you under the third level of hell. How could he get accepted to a university and not tell you? How could he move countries and not even say goodbye? How dare he make you fall in love with him, give you the best night of your life and then leave you hanging like that?

You ran upstairs to your room, wailing in what seemed like a mixture of rage and sadness. You felt so dumb, in your sundress and shaved pussy and cute underwear you chose out for him. It was all so, so unfair and the feeling ate you alive. The feeling that you hated Jung Jaehyun.

So now, when he stands from across the room, all suited up but with the additional rank of CEO on his shoulders you couldn’t believe that it was him.

Your portfolio did get you into an art school after all, majoring in product design. Your innovative work of rebranding the latest releases, taking on the aesthetic part of the marketing, landed you a great deal in J industries. The product was good and your skills were better, so when the sales went off the roof you weren’t surprised. What you didn’t expect however, was that the boss of your boss, who was currently staring at you from across the launch party, was your childhood best friend.

Ex-best friend.

“Damn, y/n, Mr. Jung hasn’t taken his eyes off of you all night, huh?”, said Sook, the assistant marketing director who was working by your side on the project.

“Well, he should have come over and congratulate me by now. I did help save his company”

She laughed lightly, unaware for how deeply rooted your dislike for the man really was. You continue your conversation when you suddenly see her turn visibly tense, sweeping her hands on the front of her dress. Oh, you should have watched what you wished for.

“M-Mr. Jung, how are you enjoying this party? This is y/n, she did most of the designs for the campaign-”

Eyes widening in shock, you get lost in some passerbys, meddling with the other coworkers in the gathering. Sook left a little yelp when she realized you had dissolved into thin air in seconds. You could still faintly hear her apologizing merrily.

“Oh I swear she was sitting right next to me Mr. Jung”

Chatting up with friends and even strangers, you made sure you never stayed in the same place for too long. Jaehyun’s eyes were still boring holes into your face no matter where you went, a smirk plastered on his own every time he caught you checking out for him.

In a last attemp to turn invisible, you find cover on a small couch, slightly hidden by some ballon decorations and you shoved a book to your face, faking interest. But alas, a dip in the furniture next to you and the familiar woody smell soon rang a bell of danger in your head.

“You know your book is upside down, right?”

Wincing at your fatal mistake, you turn around to be faced with a pair of brown eyes you thought you’d never see again. You noticed how they’re glowing in pride and ambition and remembered how they shined that night from tears, how you tried to read through him, just like now.

“Jung. Got bored of your little staring game?”

Jaehyun had grown an inch or two since you last saw him, you notice, standing even taller in his exemplary posture. He still stuck with his long hairstyle, locks styled back sleekly and exposing his defined cheekbones. His skin was even paler than usual, glowing in the dark room. Being a CEO probably meant staying inside a lot, making tanning for his complexion almost impossible.

“Considering you applied to my company, y/n, I figured you’d come to me now as well”

Why was he using that voice around you? You‘d made fun of him numerous times in the past for that deep tone, only coming up when he was trying to woo some girl.

“I didn’t know it was your dumb company”, you start, rolling your eyes in annoyance, “I’m surprised you even remember my name”

“How could I forget the girl I went to prom with?” And took my virginity, you wanted to add but knew he censored his words on purpose. “Also, Sook mentioned your name like, five minutes ago”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about”

His silence was uncomfortable, thickening the atmosphere even more. You saw regret and guilt in his features, lips struggling to find the right words and hands fumbling with his tie.

“I know you’re mad, rightfully so. But please, come over to my place for a drink. For old time’s sake”. The deep voice was persistent and that’s when you realized that Jaehyun wasn’t a teenager anymore. So many years had passed since that summer, enough to mature you both physically and emotionally, yet the wound stung still so freshly.

“You can’t just choose when to re-enter my life so easily”, you huffed and started to walk away from him, when you felt his fingers wrapping gently around your wrist.

“y/n, please. I’ve missed you. One drink, that’s it”

It was so annoying, you thought as you entered his condo, how his dimples were still so effective at convincing you. It was quite luxurious, definitely bigger than your apartment and by the looks of the fancy furniture, his hard work as CEO surely paid off. 

“You like it?”

“Not as much as your treehouse but it’s okay”, you reply him and he grins at the reminiscence of your old shenanigans as children.

“I’ll bring the wine”

You snooped around a bit more, examining the decorations of his living room. It was quite minimalistic, an abstract painting or two, a weird sculpture, no family pictures in sight. You always hated places like that, so lifeless, so impersonal. Jaehyun had too rich of a personality for that.

He sat on his leather couch, placing two glasses of white wine in front of him and motioning you to sit down as well. You took a seat as far away from his as possible and he winced at the distance you kept, now also turning physical. 

Jaehyun started a conversation by asking you about your work at the company, then moving on to your personal life. You politely answered him, even joked about how single you are. He started recounting the start of his company, how he got the idea to begin from scratch and the hardships that came with it. As it was expected from the bachelor’s vibes his place emitted, CEO position didn’t allow for enough free time for him to meet someone new, let alone something serious. Your little meet up seemed to be going well. Too well to be exact. One glass down and you finally had enough of feigning ‘happy old friends catching up’.

“Why did you bring me here Jaehyun? Really bring me here”

The man sighed at your tone, running his fingers through his hair and messing their gelled-up styling. Getting up from his position, he finishes up his second glass and sits closer to you, body facing yours.

“I guess... I owe you an apology. For back then. I should have told you I’m moving abroad”

“Yes, Jaehyun, you should have. Especially after what we did before you left”

He closed his eyes in shame, glossy after he reopened them. A serious expression darkened his features, looking as solemn as that last night you saw him before his disappearance and hanging from your lips. “Do you regret it? Going through with it?”

“No”, you answer immediately, because it was the truth. All the guys you’ve slept with in your time as an adult, though more experienced than high-school Jaehyun, were missing that one factor that none other than your best friend could offer you. Connection, vulnerability, care. True love.

He sighs, once again, clearly relieved by your answer but still speaking in a bittersweet tone.

“Good, I would really hate myself if you did. I was just, so scared you’d forget about me. I had to know you’d remember me. Then you said this whole thing about wanting to have our first time and-“. You knew it was the wine in his system that caused his rambling. Jaehyun wasn’t one to stumble on his words, definitely not sentimental like that. But alcohol seemed to bring you closer when in need and at the right time so you let it, once again, and you let him finish. “-and you looked so beautiful that I couldn’t help myself. If I knew you’d grow up to look like this I would have never-“

He stopped himself mid sentence, regretting sharing more. You, however, weren’t done with this conversation yet. There were so many years spent repenting your friendship, so many questions running through your head, and you weren’t leaving this room until they got answered.

“If you didn’t want me to forget you that much then why not tell me you got accepted to a university abroad? I was your best friend!”. Your words were emotionally charged, unwillingly making your voice turn up in volume. It was as if you turned back into the little girl crying in her bedroom, finally getting the chance to say all those things she was screaming in her pillow. “I would be so happy for you, I loved you”

“Yes you did! You literally said that every single day!”, Jaehyun yelled back, startling you, “And every single time it was as if you jabbed a knife in my chest! Did you know how much it killed me? To hear this from my best friend I’d been in love with for the past 10 years?”

“You- you were in love with me?”, you ask dumbly, voice light in disbelief, a stark difference from Jaehyun’s a second ago.

He settled his breathing, hands fixing his hair once again in abashment.

“I knew that if I told you I had to go abroad you would get all sad and start crying and I wouldn’t be able to see you like that. I knew that the moment you’d tell me you miss me I would drop everything to be with you. That night that we had sex.. I didn’t plan it but I thought it would be better for you if I made you hate me. And when I saw you again today- it felt like not one day had passed since high school. I didn’t know how to approach you, what to say. I’m sorry”

You sat there in shock, connecting the dots in your brain. All the feelings you were trying to repress around him, the lingering glances and butterflies in your stomach, were reqruited all along. You knew exactly what he meant earlier, about time seeming to freeze. The way he looked at you now, all teary eyed and red and shaking was utterly and overwhelmingly the warm Jaehyun that met you every night after school. And you wouldn’t let another day go to waste.

You lean forward, capturing his lips into a kiss long overdue. It was tentative and you started pulling back when he places both hands on the sides of your neck, keeping you from letting go. His fingertips grasp part of your hair and you lean your face sideways, melting into the kiss and his touch. A lick on his bottom lip and now your tongues were touching, groaning at how much better he got at this and wanting to put his skill to better use. Tugging on his soft locks, he moans and his baritone voice made the hairs on your arms stand on edge.

You moved your hands on his chest, palming the defined muscles and deciding you wanted to treat your eyes, ripping his shirt open in one move. Jaehyun grabs the meat of your thighs, hands gripping the edge of your dress and pulling it upwards until it falls over your head. He dipped into your neck immediately, sucking and nibbling passionately right in the middle, your moans sounding breathless with the pressure he puts on your throat. Trailing down, he left a path of open mouthed kisses, now focusing on the mounds of your breasts that your bra wasn’t covering. A flick of his wrist and the piece of underwear was gone, lips surrounding your nipple, releasing it with a loud pop.

You moan out his name and his growl’s animalistic, nails digging on the softness of your hips.

“Fuck I love that sound”

He probably made it a goal to hear it again as he started kissing on your inner thighs, the bruises he left behind teasing you to the point of begging. You lift you hips to discard the skimpy underwear you chose for tonight, Jaehyun’s breath fanning your clit. A few kitten licks and your back is already lifting from the leather, his hands intertwining with yours to keep you in place.

Practice makes perfect and Jaehyun must have had a lot of it, the interchanging of sucking, licking and spitting on your pussy making you lose your mind in the most delicious way. You were in the midst of murmuring a mix of praises when he finally finds that spot that has you trembling under his tongue. Riding out your high, you grind against his face, the pleasure not leaving any room for shame. Chest heaving and vision restored, you glance down at Jaehyun, looking as irresistible as ever wiping his wet lips and chin.

You were fully prepared and willing to return the favor so you motioned him to stand up, positioning the back of your neck over the hand rest of the couch. After opening your mouth wide he got the point, quickly ridding himself off his pants and boxer briefs, spitting profanities at how hot you looked for him right now.

You were upside down, but you could very well see Jaehyun’s hard and angry cock staring back at you. You always thought that maybe, since he was your first, you might have overestimated his size in your head. But your brain apparently hadn’t manipulated that memory in the slightest because that length and grith would definitely be a challenge for you. And hell, did you want to take it on.

He pushes through your lips, and your tongue is quick to engulf him. Licking up and down his shaft as best as you could, made Jaehyun grip the couch in an effort to keep his knees from buckling from pleasure. The position allowed him to push even deeper inside you, filling up your throat. He places his fingers over the bulge on your throat, watching it itently with every move of his hips.

Your eyes teared up and your throat started to burn but the sounds Jaehyun let out with every thrust made it all worth it. He finally pulls out, a string of saliva and precum landing on your lips and he is quick to to clean you up with his fingers. Collecting the wetness, he pushes his digits inside your mouth, and something changes in his glare, eyes darkening in the most lustful expression.

“I need you inside me”, you mumble with his fingers inside of you and he nods, asking if he should go get a condom. You search through the contains of your handbag, hands trembling with the way he is pushed up agaist you, erection digging in the softness of your ass as he’s nibling the skin on your shoulders. 

You handed him the square foil and as soon as he takes it in his grasp, he pushed you down to the arm rest, back against the cushion and legs in the air. Moving your hand between your legs, you distracted him by playing with your pussy, speading the juices around and pushing your folds apart to direct him to your opening.

The first thrust felt divine, thick cock filling you nicely and making your head fall back in pleasure. Jaehyun threw your legs over his shoulders, eyes glued to yours as he kissed your calves, picking up his pace. The moans started rolling off your tongue, echoing inside the big lounge and accompanied by the skin slapping sound of your bodies.

“I missed your body so much”, he muttered as he gripped your waist, setting an incredible pace that had your feet flexing. You turned your head to the side, catching your reflection on the huge window leading to the balcony. Tits bouncing, Jaehyun’s flexed arms, his dick digging inside you. What a sight.

“See something you like?”, he chuckled darkly and you smiled up at him, grazing your nails over his biceps.

“Show me something to remember you by”

Jae halted his thrusts, turning you over to your stomach swiftly, ass in the air. He kneaded his hands over your ass, giving it a little spank and spread your cheeks apart. Placing his right knee on the arm rest, he dives inside you again, and the moan you let out barely sounded like you. His cock was so deep inside you that you had to close your eyes to relish the feeling of fullness, amplified by the light pain of the stretch. Jaehyun collected your hair in his fist, pulling your upper body against his chest as he wrapped an arm around your own.

“Open your eyes. See how nicely you take my cock. Think you’ll forget that?”, he growls in your ear, thumb digging in your cheek and palm slightly muting your sounds. The dirty talk, his cock grazing against the spot that drove you crazy and Jaehyun’s godly reflection pounding the shit out of you brought you over the edge again. He didn’t let you take any time off, hips continuing to bruise against you as feverly as before, and you thought you just might combust.

“Jaehyun, p-please, it’s too much”, you plead with as much power is left in your system, and he pulls out, only to start rubbing quick circles over your clit that had you thrashing in his arms.

You melt into his arms, a pressing feeling in your belly that you had never felt before and soon you climax for the third time, droplets of cum squirting out of your pussy and dripping onto the wooden flooring.

“This is so fucking hot”, Jaehyun mutters and starts thrusting inside you, trying to coax as much cum out of you as possible.

The waves keep coming, gushing out of you every time he pulls out, until he can’t take the sight anymore, coming with a shiver and a ragged breath.

You were sweaty and exhausted, smiling faintly as he showered you with kisses.

“Let’s get you cleaned up”

You try to stand up futilely, knees wobbling and unable to keep your balance. Jaehyun chuckles at the sight but helps you up like the gentleman he is, moving you to the floor’s bathroom.

You hop in and he joins you, letting the water run down your body and helping you soap up. It was very intimate but comfortable at the same time, his gentle caresses belonging to your skin. Everything felt right.

He was occupied with running his fingers over two hickeys he had planted on you earlier when you snap him out of his thoughts, voice barely audible over the running water.

“I’m sorry you felt like you had to lie to me to go study abroad. I think it’s pretty obvious after what we just did that I liked you too, but... I still would have let you move. Force you even.”

“You’re right. I’m sor-“

“I mean it Jaehyun. I’m so proud of you”

His eyes glimmered at your praise, wet eyelashes framing them and fluttering closed as he leaned down, pressing the sweetest kiss on your lips. It left you breathless, almost hurting when he pulled back. You could kiss him forever.

“I know you said I can’t just come back to your life like that but I want to try. I’ve seriously missed you”

“How about taking me to a date tomorrow night? To catch up some more”

He grinned brightly, eyes turning into crescent moons and dimples making your heart burst.

“Wherever you want”, he promised and took a step closer to you, hand snaking down your ass and pulling you against his wet body, “And speaking of making up for lost time... How about a round two?”

[mostly-marvel-musings]

Personal trainer

Summary: Chris Hemsworth is your new personal trainer. It doesn't sit well with your boyfriend Thor, until it does.

Warnings: 18+ smut, threesome?

Pairing: Thor x Reader, Chris Hemsworth x Reader?

Square filled - Rivalry

Word count: 1.8k

A/N: Written for @avengersbingo Please read warnings before proceeding.

Thor Odinson Taglist – @raspberrymama @bitchycherryblossomlove @jennie22feona @innerpaperexpertcloud @thorfanficwriter @darklydeliciousdesires @longlostinanotherworld

Everything Taglist – @godofplumsandthunder @ladyacrasia @agustdowney @swaggysposts @littlegasps @suchababie @another-stark-sub @supraveng @kahlanmars @disappointmentofthefam @pandaxnienke @tom-hlover @just-the-hiddles @fyreball66 @asmigurub @avantgardium-leviosa @imerdwarf @gladiosamicitias @fanofalltheficsx @ladyburberry @chickensarentcheap @dontmindmyname123

Flames of anger and jealousy grew bigger and bigger inside Thor as he watched you chatting so animatedly with your new personal trainer Chris.

He couldn’t wrap his head around why you needed one in the first place, in his eyes, you were perfect just the way you were.

But he went with you to the gym religiously, insisted on staying ever since you got a new trainer, even though it was against the gym policy. Nobody really felt brave enough to ask the God of Thunder to get out of the place.

The way you giggled and casually touched his biceps or hit him on the chest every time Chris made a funny comment made Thor’s blood boil. He had an effect on you just as much as he did on every other person in that gym. The women did their level best to strike up a conversation any chance they got, while the men took it up as a challenge, the man was intimidating, but undeniably the hottest trainer you had ever laid eyes on.

You were about to finish a set when Thor walked in to check on you under the pretext of getting you a bottle of water.

“Alright give me ten more (Y/N).”

“I already did like a hundred. Leave me alone.” You joked, panting loudly as you wiped sweat off your forehead, chest heaving while you laid on the mats.

“Ten more no excuses. I’ll take off my shirt if you do it properly.” Chris sent a wink your way, holding your knees in place and fixing your stance for the last ten crunches you were about to do.

“Oh you just want to show off those perfectly chiseled abs.”

You finished the set and exhaled out loud, tired after that grueling core workout he made you do, when Thor walked in.

“I don’t see that shirt coming off Hemsworth. A promise is a promise.”

Your teasing was the first thing Thor heard and he didn’t like it.

“What’s going on here?”

“Oh hi! Uh nothing, Chris made me work hard today. I was just asking for a reward.”

You went over to the Asgardian, stood on your tippy toes and pecked his cheek.

“I’ll take my clothes off for you when we get home, my love.”

Thor’s voice dropped as he spoke, grabbing you by your waist and pulling you closer, not bothered about your sweat-covered body.

“Well let’s get going then.”

Your flirt was cut short when Chris joined you two, Thor’s grip on your side tightening, not that you were surprised.

“Great job today (Y/N), you killed it, like always.”

“More like you killed me. It was a great workout Chris, thank you. You’ve met Thor, haven’t you?”

“Yes of course. How are you mate?”

“Perfect. Now do I get to take my girl home with me?”

“Ah she’s all yours. We’ve had our fun.”

“What does that mean?”

Chris held his hands up in surrender as Thor narrowed his eyes at the man, he clearly disliked the guy and made no attempts of keeping those feelings to himself, the situation begging for you to intervene.

“Alright that’s enough. Chris, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Thor reluctantly let you go as you hugged Chris goodbye, keeping an eye on his hands the entire time to make sure they weren’t going where they were not supposed to be.

.

“Are you being serious right now?”

You demanded as Thor kept his eyes on the road as you drove home, not meeting your gaze, his jaw clenched. It had been a fun workout session and Thor was getting on your nerves with his childish behavior.

“I do not like that man.”

“Well I do.”

Your deliberate comment was laced with irritation, but there was truth to it. Chris was a nice guy and all you wanted was for Thor to get along with him.

“You like him? More than you like me?” He didn’t sound hurt, it was just an unnecessary overreaction which angered you further at this point.

“Right now with the way you’re behaving? Yes!”

You probably shouldn’t have said that, but well you did.

That kept him silent for the entire ride home.

It wasn’t until late in the evening that the pouting and moping God of Thunder found you and apologised for his irrational outburst. Not only did he make up to you, he made sure you remembered who you belonged to, a workout you definitely appreciated more than the one you had in the morning.

.

“Look at you all cute in your workout clothes.”

You giggled as Thor stepped out in his attire - a T-shirt that perhaps was too tight to contain the rippling muscles of his physique, and pants that hung low over those hips but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Chris was coming over to your house today and you had planned to go for a little hike along a trail with Thor. It was about time the two boys learned to be comfortable around each other and not start a pissing contest every time they met.

“I’d prefer being called handsome, my love.”

“Promise me you won’t get all crazy and jealous when he arrives.”

“I wasn’t jealous, I just don’t like him getting his hands all over you.”

“Thor!”

“Alright you have my word.”

Just as you were pecking his lips, the doorbell rang causing Thor to pull you in for one last searing kiss and making you giggle before you ran to open the door.

“Well hello! Welcome to our humble abode.” You joked, giving Chris a side hug and inviting him in, knowing Thor was lurking behind.

“Thank you (Y/N) you’re looking great. I see those squats working wonders.” He winked, joining in your laughter before Thor made his presence known.

“Thor! Nice seeing you again. I didn’t know you were joining us today.”

They shook hands like civilised men before turning to you.

“Yeah I thought it’d be a good idea to do this together. Shall we?”

“After you, my lady.” Chris bowed and gestured for you to take the lead, as you did, Thor slipped in his hand into yours and clasped it firmly.

.

The hike took thirty minutes to reach the summit, but Chris had managed to turn it into a workout for you, making you jog the entire length not once but twice. By the time it was finished, the two men weren’t phased however you were left a sweaty panting mess, hands on your knees as you glared at them.

“It’s not fair!”

“Alright I’m going for another one.” Chris announced, racing back down alone while Thor made sure you got some water as you perched yourself on a large rock, watching the sun go down on the horizon.

Your Greek God of a trainer shortly returned sans his T-shirt, a self-confident grin adorned his face as he came to a halt right next to you.

Tiny beads of sweat made his body glisten in the golden light cast by the setting sun. The dips and plains on his torso enhanced, your mind was too busy making up scenarios where you ran your hands all over that perfect body.

Before you knew it, Thor was also shedding the fitted tee you’d made him wear, being nonchalant about it but you knew what was going on. Shaking your head was all you did because nobody was at a loss here. Being surrounded by two drop-dead gorgeous, strong and very shirtless men was better than anything else.

“Okay you two. If you’re done basking in all your half naked glory, shall we head home?”

Neither of them answered but made no attempts to put their clothes on either. You shrugged and stood up when the muscles in your legs screamed.

“Come on (Y/N), don’t be the odd one out. You know you want to.”

Chris gestured for you to take your tank top off.

“Oh there’s a lot of things I want…”

You bit your bottom lip before walking over to your boyfriend and asking your boyfriend to carry you the rest of the way.

Thor was more than happy to oblige.

.

It felt like a heady mixture, having the two men you desired the most this close to you.

You felt Chris’s hands move slowly along the side of your neck, down to your shoulder before sliding your bra straps off and letting it fall down your arms. All while your mouth moved in sync with Thor’s as he kissed you senseless, groping at your breasts over the fabric until it readily slid down.

You wasted no time in unhooking your lacy bra and throwing it blindly across the room. Your hands found home in Thor’s hair, gripping and pulling on the ends as your tongues danced in harmony until Chris covered your breasts with his large hands, those deft fingers pinching and rolling your nipples until they peaked and pebbled.

A sinful moan escaped your lips as the kiss broke, your head thrown back onto Chris’s shoulder as his lips found the heated skin of your neck, leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses while Thor watched, stroking his erection through his boxers.

The blurry but arousing combination of hands and mouths continued while you felt yourself getting wetter by the second, your panties a complete mess at this point.

Chris let his hands slide lower, along your stomach and down into your panties all while Thor had recaptured your lips and was claiming your senses.

Your wet folds were played with agile fingers and your arousal was gathered between them before two of those fingers entered your warmth.

The stretch felt wonderful as you cried out, your voice muffled in the kiss. The two burly gentlemen touching and kissing everywhere, worshipping and devouring you.

Thor moved down to close his lips around your nipple, licking and sucking languidly while Chris worked his fingers inside you at an equally slow pace, stretching you out and getting you ready.

The Asgardian slipped his hands behind and squeezed your cheeks before finding your puckered hole, rubbing along the entrance and making you moan loudly in wanton need.

“Chris…”

“My love.”

“Quit teasing you two…”

“(Y/N)?”

“Mmm..”

“Wake up, my love.”

You were dazed and disoriented when your eyes fluttered open. Thor’s concerned figure looming over you as you slowly came to your senses and realized it wasn't real. A wet dream featuring the love of your life and the man you were shamelessly lusting over.

“It was a dream.” You muttered, repeating it to yourself as if reminding you that it could never happen.

Thor’s hand slid down your body and between your legs where your arousal was evident. You’d slept naked tonight, which meant the sheets were probably ruined. A smirk formed on his face as his fingers teased your glistening folds.

“Just a dream..could be a reality if you want.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Good thing he’s sleeping in the guest room.”

My first time writing for Mr Hems. Thots???

[dazaimency]

Shigaraki x F!Reader - Silk (NSFW)

Prompt: “Hi! Can I please have some soft(but not a lot) Shiggyxf!reader? I keep thinking of this idea where they can never really get intimate because he’s scared of turning them into dust and always end up upset because he feels like he can’t give them all a relationship ‘supposedly’ should. So like, maybe the reader just proposes tying his wrists so he can’t use his hands or something? All consensual and nice and yay. Maybe? Pretty, please?Thanks!”

Tags: Bondage (Shiggy receiving), riding, sex guru Dabi strikes again

Word length: 1 624

Ao3: HERE - crossposted, you can find other works there

You paid no attention to the movie, instead choosing to focus on your boyfriend sitting next to you. Tomura had put away all his hands but his face was still covered by his pale blue hair. Suppressing the urge to tuck the stray hair behind his ear, you opt to rest your head on his shoulder, shifting closer to him.

Shigaraki tensed for a moment, before his guard went down with a soft exhale. Looking down at you, snuggled to his side, a small smile appeared on his scarred lips. Reaching behind you to put an arm around your shoulders, his breath and movement stop. The tension had settled back, down to his bones, and his face had stained with a grimace. 

He was so close to feeling your skin, brushing circles on it. There were little things that he wanted more (besides his personal goals as the villain leader) and being denied it because of his own power left a bitter taste in his mouth. Clicking tongue, he settles his arm on the sofa backrest and turns his gaze to the screen, completely ignoring it.

It wasn’t the first time this had happened, no. You both have already lost count how many times his fingers were close enough to almost caress your skin, and how many times Tomura’s hands reached back, wrapped in a fist, nails digging into his skin. You longed for the touch and even tried semi-cropped gloves at the beginning of your relationship, but it was making his skin uncomfortable, while also putting him on edge. He didn’t like anything restricting the usage of his quirk, even if at the moment, decay was the last thing on his mind.

You noticed the tension radiating from him and suggested a solution of your own: “How about I tie you up?”

Tomura’s breath hitched, yet he managed to stutter out a response, mind blank. “What?” 

After a while, you found yourselves in the bedroom, Shigaraki sitting on the bed, biting his lips, rubbing the silk between his fingers. He agreed during your short discussion, pros outweighing cons. Expecting that being tied up would feel different than wearing gloves, he went to Dabi for anything they could use, resulting in the silken rope in his hands. 

You hadn’t been planning this for long, the thought came to you when you talked to Dabi and your conversation once again stirred into lewd topics. Letting it sit in your head, you wondered if you were one to tie someone else down, but the simple image of touching Tomura without worry on his side convinced you. You were doing this more for him than for you. Trusting him completely, it was him, who truly feared hurting you. Then, getting the rope itself was not a problem, as you were on good grounds with Dabi, and he was not one to shy away from sex talk and toys.

Sitting on Tomura’s lap, moving his hands away, you kiss him, freeing him from his doubts. Instead of touching you, his palms grab the sheets, gripping them like he wanted to grip your hips to rub your body against his.

His mouth opens, letting your tongue in. One of your hands wander in his hair, the other holding his shoulder, feeling his muscles move under his touch. Moaning out when you feel his hips buck against you, you break the kiss. 

“Ready?” You ask, making sure. Shigaraki nods in affirmation and lays down, head between pillows, and arms joined at the headboard. He was anticipating your touch, beaming on the inside that you won’t crumble under his touch, instead, feeling only pleasure which he could not give you before fully due to the fog of worries that had permanently settled in his brain.

You lean over him, legs at his sides, and wrap the silk around his wrists, attaching it to the headboard. Tomura gives it a tug, trying out how firm they are, and indeed, his movement is limited, but the knot was just loose enough so it wouldn’t be uncomfortable. His breathing quickens, and you rub his cheek in affection, soothing his nerves.

“We can stop anytime,” you whisper against his lips, giving them a soft peck, before moving lower to cover his neck is soft kisses.

Shigaraki nods, anxiety already lowering because he cannot hurt you like this. He still felt slight remorse that he was unable to touch you, but he would prefer your safety anytime. Licking his chapped lips, he looks at you, spread out over his body.

A small moan escapes him when your teeth leave a mark on his collarbone. Your hands push his shirt higher, revealing his chest. You caress the pale skin, rubbing soft circles to make Shigaraki more comfortable. 

Your hips brush over his clothed member, and you connect your lips in a deep kiss, swallowing his soft moans. His tongue dances with yours while he pushes his crotch up, sending a small shock of pleasure up your spine. Tomura keeps bucking and you feel your panties getting wetter by his every move. 

Wanting to get closer to him, you sit up and take off your shirt and bra at the same time. Tomura licks his lips and tugs at the rope, hands gripping it tightly, but still careful not to decay the silk. In need of feeling your skin on his, he nudges you with his knee and pushes his hips up to bring you closer.

Smiling, you lean over him, noses almost touching. Your breath tickles on his lips and he shifts up to drag you into a kiss. With a smirk, you evade, and go tease his neck instead. Leaving licks and bites in your trail, you end up at his collarbone, marking it with a bruise. You detach with a pop, lips puffed from sucking and kissing. 

“Fuck, (Y/N),” Tomura whines, needing to be inside you soon. The jeans he was wearing did not help, his cock pushing on the fabric with every move. 

Your clit pulsates, your panties almost soaked by now. You hurry up to get rid of the rest of your clothes, and do the same for your boyfriend. His length on display, you sit on his lap, gripping it and guiding it to your soaked entrance. 

Teasing him, you put the tip inside, circling and sliding along it, watching Tomura bury his head into the pillows with a groan. Just this small sensation fogged his sight and mind. His hands pulling at the silk, he wanted nothing more than to decay the rope, grab you, and roam your skin freely as he pounds into you. 

“More, baby,” he manages to breathe out, red eyes glued to yours. His hips would be pushing up if it weren’t for your tight hold on them, keeping them down. 

Having enough of teasing and feeling empty, you slide down his cock. Moaning out as he slightly brushes against your sensitive spot, you start to move. He pushes inside you in a perfect rhythm, forcing a groan out of you with each stroke. 

“That’s it, Player Two… that’s it…” Tomura moans out, watching you impale yourself on his length, breasts bouncing. 

You hum and increase the speed, adjusting the angle slightly so he hits deeper now. You yelp when he strokes your spot perfectly and move to feel the spark of sensation again. Your thighs start to feel the strain and begin to ache. 

Shifting to be chest on chest with Shigaraki, you grab him by his nape, fingers digging into the soft hair and bring your lips to his. He instantly gives you sloppy, open mouthed kisses, moaning and breathing into your mouth, mirroring your own state. 

This new angle enables him to push further into you, his heels dug into the sheets, knees bent, and hips hovering over the bed, he rams into you with an almost animalistic need. You can’t do anything but take it, each thrust making you groan, and you whimper his name into his lips. 

“T-Touch yourself for me, won’t you?” Tomura mumbles, voice deeper, stained with pleasure. Your hand moves down on command, circling your clit swiftly, pressuring it to send you over the edge. 

Shigaraki takes in the sight of you, red faced with darkened eyes. His view ends soon when you place your head in the crook of his shoulder, biting down at the skin. The pain urges him to slam harder, teeth clenched in pleasure. His thighs start to strain, only making him to keep the momentum, thrusting into your pussy, revelling in the way you clenched around him. The heat embracing him with every push only dazzled him and he came with a loud groan, spilling into you. 

His orgasm ended with a long, deep thrust, sending you over the edge. You collapse on top him, eyes rolled back, breathing heavily. Tomura is in the same state, mind clouded and sweat making him feel sticky.

You lie there for a while, catching air, and you caress his arms. Remembering that he is tied up, you hurry up to get rid of the silk. 

“Was it okay?” you ask, biting your lip as you lie down next to one another, your head resting on his shoulder. He rubs his wrists, stained with small red bruises that would disappear within a day. 

“Yeah… I didn’t mind it at all,” Shigaraki smiles at you and you sigh in relief. A spark resides in his eyes, one that you don’t get to see often. He kept on grinning, happy that he could now make love to you without worrying. The cost of restrained arms was but a little bump. One that he could live with easily. 

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Meant to be (G.D.)

Summary: There is a reason why the road not travelled seems more appealing, why the past might trick us into believing if we had made different choices, or just done one thing differently, that our lives would be better for it. There is a reason they say ‘Careful what you wish for’ and Grayson is about to find out exactly what it means to have all his dreams come true. Question is, what’s the cost?

Warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol, sexual innuendoes, angst, fluff

Word count: 21k

===========================

Regrets are a weight on the heart and a curse on the mind. They bring out the past over and over again, always tormenting its victims with what ifs and promises of a better life. But it always comes at a cost, it always asks for a sacrifice. It drags its victim away from the beauty of their life, forcing them to wonder...

What if…

It's only two words, six letters, but they can change a person. ‘What if’ is a reminder of all the mistakes, of all the roads not taken and while they may not be as good as reality, one would always ponder on the possibility of something more.

What if...

What if..

What if?

For Grayson, his ‘what if’ had always been a little down the road, back when he was just a teenager and his choices were far simpler. Life was simpler, happier.

Becoming a YouTuber didn't entirely fulfill the dreams he once had. It gave him money, women, fame, but it took away his peace of mind and a quiet suburban life with the love of his life.

At least he found the love of his life. Or so he hopes. 

He's been wrong too many times before to dare say the L word now, but being with Ella feels right. Almost right. He'll never get his perfect life even if she is the one and it has nothing to do with her but the choices he's made before they ever met.

Too often would Grayson watch her sleep and question if he should feel guilty about his ‘what if’. Would she judge him for the inner workings of his mind? Would she feel like their relationship is a lie? Like she isn’t enough? 

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Her raspy voice brings a smile on his face and the thoughts aren't as loud as they were before. No one could ever quiet Grayson’s mind like Ella can. It’s as easy as breathing for her, a single look sent his way and Grayson couldn’t focus on anything other than Ella. 

"Some past choices." Grayson never lied to Ella. When they met, she demanded he be honest with her, always. 

Reluctant, Grayson shared his earnest opinions and in time, he realized Ella is right; honesty is the best policy. It helped their relationship develop on a solid foundation, allowing them to grow together. For once, Grayson didn’t want to date every girl with a heartbeat, his attention focused elsewhere - on Ella.

"Like what?" She tilts her head up, her chin resting on his chest and her brown eyes meet his, a look he always cherished. Ella was always quiescent, a snowflake that he protected with his life.

She had the kind of eyes that made a man weak in the knees and while she was bitter about the mundane color, Grayson never saw a more beautiful shade. There was nothing mundane about her.

"Like the time Ethan and I thought we'd go to that private school on a sports’ scholarship." Sighing, Grayson runs his fingers down her back, playing with the strap of her bra. It's black and lacy, the kind she'd wear to seduce him and yet she's not trying. Ella could sense Grayson needs intimacy, conversation, not sex. She knew him so well, read him like an open book.

"If you did that, you'd probably never be a YouTuber. You wouldn't have the money, the fame, the experiences you have now." Biting her lip, she pauses before speaking timidly, "You wouldn't have the people you have now." 

Swallowing thickly, Grayson noticed the sudden change in her demeanor, the flicker of hurt in those earthy hues enough to make him realize she's thinking of the possibility of them not meeting.

“You really think you can get rid of me that easily?” He pursed his lips, eyes narrowing ever so slightly as her expression dulled. 

Grayson wasn’t sure if he believed it, but Ella did and he had to remind her, to make her smile so he wouldn’t feel like he’s drowning in the unshed tears forming in her eyes. 

“You always say that people who are meant to be", Grayson starts and she rolls her eyes playfully, a small smile appearing on her lips.

"Will find their way in the end, I know." Groaning, she rolls on her back, her head resting on her pillow. 

Raising an eyebrow, Grayson moves to his side, towering over her with a lopsided grin. "Should I be upset you just chose your pillow over my chest?"

"Should I be upset you're thinking of a life without me?" She challenges, her left eye narrowing ever so slightly as she stares at him. It's as if she's daring him to move, to take these thoughts out of her head. After so many obstacles they’ve managed to overcome, she couldn’t help the hurt his admission caused. She never once thought about anything other than a life with him.

"I don't think of a life without you, Ella", Grayson's smile falls, his voice deeper, "I believe we would have met either way. You're everything", lowering his head on her chest, his hand rests on her stomach, "We are meant to be."

Fingers treading through his hair, Ella sighs, "I think you're wrong. To be meant for someone means more than just meeting each other. It's the circumstances, it's the experiences that have shaped your preferences and character."

"I'd still fall for your pretty eyes and crazy laugh", Grayson argues, his eyes focusing on the birthmark between her breasts, yet another thing she hated and he loved about her. That would never change.

"I'm not sure I'd go for a jock tho", she states and his head snaps up to meet her gaze only to notice her lips twitching in an attempt to suppress a laugh. Just as she sees the questioning gaze, Ella bursts into laughter, coercing Grayson to do the same. He loved her witchy like cackle she calls a laugh, it's impossible not to laugh when he hears it.

And so, with a laugh filled night, Grayson settles beside Ella as he drifts off. Her words run through his head, wondering if it's true. 

Would they still be together if he hadn't moved to Los Angeles to be an influencer?

As his consciousness fades, Grayson mutters under his breath, completely unaware that his life would forever be changed.

"I wish Ethan and I got the scholarship."

There’s a reason they say be careful what you wish for and Grayson was about to learn the hard way.

--------

"Ugh", Grayson moans, feeling like death. His head hurts, his muscles are aching as if he had run a marathon and his mouth is dry.

"Ella?" He calls out, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he rolls on his back, "Babe, I think I'm sick."

"You're not sick, you're hungover", Ethan chuckles and Grayson's eyes open wide.

"Fuck you talking about?" He squints and raises an eyebrow, noticing Ethan in a bed just a few feet away. His lips part, eyebrows furrowing as a faded scar between them becomes prominent.

"You drank a shit ton." Ethan reminds him, throwing a shirt his way.

Shaking his head, Grayson realizes it isn't a shirt, not when his last name is on the back of it right above a number.

"This isn't funny, E", Grayson breathes out, eyes fixed on the jersey in his hands. "Where is Ella?"

Sitting up, Ethan shrugs, "That the girl you were messing around with last night?"

Closing his eyes, Grayson feels his heart sink. "Messing around?" 

He wouldn't hurt Ella that way, would he?

"Since when do you even remember their names? What happened to hit it and quit it?" Ethan asks, standing up to grab his phone and Grayson scoffs.

"Now I know you're fucking with me, I'm a one woman man now. You know I'm with Ella. You can end the prank here because I really feel off." Grayson grimaced with the shooting pulsating pain in his head intensifying, wincing as he rubbed his temples to soothe the pain.

Ethan steps closer, concerned for his brother who is looking around the room with confusion. "Did you hit your head or something?"

"I dunno, maybe." Rubbing his forehead, Grayson sighs, "I have a major headache and I need Ella, okay? Where is she?" Standing abruptly, Grayson frightens Ethan into a backward stumble. "Ella?!"

"Fuck, I knew coach should have sent you to the doc!" Ethan runs his fingers through his hair, genuinely scared for Grayson.

Growling in frustration, Grayson reaches for Ethan, his fingers gripping the thin fabric of his shirt as he forcefully pulls him closer, "Cut the shit, where is she?! Huh?!"

Raising his arms in mock surrender, Ethan shakes his head, "I swear I don't know what you're talking about!" Eyes wide, Ethan pushes Grayson. It's not as forceful in fear of hurting him but enough to get the message across. "You never even mentioned an Ella before."

Releasing Ethan, Grayson stumbles back to the bed. Sitting down, a heavy sigh passes his lips as his eyes fall to his feet. His bare feet. "What the", pausing Grayson blinks fast, "Where's my Tame tattoo?!"

"Tattoo? You better not have a fucking tattoo!", Ethan rubs his chin, trying to understand what is happening. "I'M CALLING THE DOCTOR!" Rushing out of the room, Ethan slams the door behind him.

Lips quivering, Grayson takes his shirt off only to find his chest, his arms are void of tattoos. "No, no, no." Pulling his sweats down, he finds his legs just as bare, no ink he had invested years in. "No, NO, NO!"

Scrambling to the bathroom, he stops in front of a mirror only to find his hair is shorter, dark circles around his eyes are prominent and his lips chapped. Flashing his teeth, he finds no tooth gems, "Those cost a fortune!"

"Bro, we gotta get you to a hospital!" Ethan mumbles, running around to find something to wear while Grayson pales. His hands are shaky, his entire body trembling and he can't help but wonder if Ella was just a fever dream he had.

Or this is?

In what world does he still share a bedroom with Ethan? The tattoos, the gems, the jewelry! He didn't even have a hole for an earring!

And Ella? His sweet brown-eyed Ella with the heart of gold? What of her? If there's one thing he's sure of is that he isn't creative enough to dream up someone as perfect as her.

"C'mon, they'll do a CT as soon as we get in." Ethan waves him over, only then noticing Grayson is in his briefs. "Seriously?!"

Groaning, Ethan grabs him by the forearm and pulls him along, throwing clothes in his face.

"I know you're freaking out or whatever but we need to hurry! It's been a day since you took that nasty fall and I know you said you were okay but THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY!" Rambling, Ethan stopped. Taking a few deep breaths, he turns to Grayson with tears brimming his eyes. "You’re my brother and I can't lose you."

Nodding, Grayson presses his lips together. He'd argue, ask him if this is some elaborate prank again but it doesn't feel like one. It feels real and that is what scares him. So, reluctantly, Grayson does as Ethan says and he puts on the clothes, following him to the door.

He wasn't sure what to expect, but Grayson finds himself with raised eyebrows and a concerned look on his face once he sees the state of the house they're in. There are people lying around, red cups and beer bottles everywhere and he could have sworn he saw a few used condoms on the floor as well.

"Where the fuck are we?" Grayson whispers and Ethan pales.

"The frat house. We've lived here for three years Grayson!"

Running his fingers through his hair, Grayson has to suppress a groan as he realizes just how short it is. He's used to his floppy hair, it relieved his anxiety to run his hands through his hair and Ella loved to tug on his hair too. She never said anything about the length, so maybe it’s the feeling of her tugging his hair while he goes down on her is for his own pleasure, but he likes to believe she enjoyed it too.

"You said I hurt my head?" Grayson tries, hoping to understand.

"Yeah, during football practice yesterday. Ryan tackled you because you fucked his girlfriend."

Inhaling, Grayson's eyes widen, "The fuck?" 

So far, Grayson understood one thing: that he understands nothing.

-------

“All the scans came back clear. What kind of symptoms are you experiencing?” 

Grayson glances at Ethan, his mind torn. If he admits to what seems to be a crazy theory about him waking up in some hell dimension, the doctor might put him in the psych ward and throw away the key, but if he doesn’t and all the memories of his life and…Ella’s love are just a symptom of his fall, then he might deter the doctor from a proper diagnosis. 

But as Grayson swallows thickly, he shakes his head. Even if everything was a lie, a symptom, is who Ethan says he is truly who he’d want to be? 

From what Grayson gathered, he is a womanizer with no respect for women or their feelings, he’s an egomaniac and very likely has an STD by now. He sounds like a guy with commitment issues and a nasty personality considering he’s been sleeping with his friend’s girlfriend. 

“Just a headache.”

Ethan’s jaw slacks, his eyes narrowing at Grayson, “Are you sure?” He’s speaking from a confused, angered place and Grayson can tell Ethan is about to blow his cover. 

“I’m sure.” Grayson speaks through gritted teeth, his nostrils flared as he gives Ethan a pointed look. “I’m perfectly fine, just had a wild night and a nasty fall. I’ll take a few pills and be fine by Monday.”

“Alright. I’ll clear you to play next week, but keep the head safer next time.” 

A tight lipped smile on Grayson’s face did nothing to alleviate Ethan’s anger. He had brought his brother in for good reason and he just lied to the doctor’s face. Truth be told, Ethan is worried Grayson is having a psychotic break. Instead of ratting him out, Ethan decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and a single day to reassess the situation again. 

Once in the car, Ethan turns to Grayson with raised eyebrows. “Wanna tell me what the fuck that was about?”

Shrugging, Grayson swipes his thumb across his bottom lip, wincing as he does. “Do I have a busted lip too?” 

“Cut the crap, Gray, what the fuck is happening?” Ethan fixes his eyes on Grayson, refusing to start the car before getting a concrete answer to his many questions. “You’re acting like a totally different person. It’s like you’re an alien possessing my brother’s body and I don’t know who the fuck this Ella is but if she did some magic voodoo thing to you, we got a witch to burn!”

Gasping for a breath, Ethan stops but his eyes narrow as Grayson cackles at him and his rant. 

“THIS IS NOT FUNNY, GRAYSON!”

A hand over his chest, Grayson leans back. Attempting to stifle his laugh, he nods, “I know! I know”. Sniffling, Grayson lets out a long sigh before looking to his brother. “If I tell you, you’d think I’m crazy and I’m not! I swear I’m not!”

Licking his lips, Ethan leans back in his seat. Gnawing on his bottom lip, Ethan can’t help the curiosity bubbling up to the surface. Whatever it is, it can’t be that crazy, can it?

“If I promise to listen to you, will you tell me?”

Raising an eyebrow in surprise, Grayson shrugs, “Only if you stop freaking out too.”

“FINE”, Ethan exclaims just as Grayson finishes his sentence, willing to hear his side of the story.

“I think I’m in an alternative universe. Like something got fucked and I’m now in an alternative universe because where I come from we aren’t frat boys with a drinking problem.”

Clearing his throat, Ethan motions with his hand for Grayson to elaborate.

“We moved to Los Angeles in our freshman year of high school and did YouTube and we got famous and rich and I had the most beautiful girlfriend. I was with her and then I woke up here.”

Tapping his fingers on his knee, Grayson looks out of the window, biting his lower lip. “She, uh…She means a lot to me.”

“Okay.” Ethan states, starting the engine.

“Okay?” Grayson furrows his eyebrows, lips parted.

“Yeah, okay. I believe you.” Ethan drew his lower lip between his lips, tapping his hands on the wheel.

Leaning forward, Grayson’s frown deepens, “Just like that?”

“Look, I don’t know Ethan from your universe, but I’m a believer in alternative universes and I do think you’re not exactly my brother. He’s just…different.” Glancing at Grayson, Ethan sighs, “You two are very different."

“Alright, so you want him back, right? You’re gonna help me?” Grayson’s excitement is palpable, enough for Ethan to roll his eyes.

“No, I’ll leave him in an alternative universe with millions at his disposal while I deal with you”, Ethan states, the sarcastic undertones unmistakable. Grayson can’t help but snort, smiling to himself. Even in an alternative universe, Ethan is a sarcastic conspiracy theorist. 

“Any idea where we could start, genius?” Ethan snaps his fingers, irritated with Grayson’s tendency to get lost in his thoughts. 

Grayson’s face blanks, “No clue.”

“How about that Ella you keep mentioning? She your girlfriend?” Ethan doesn’t need to ask twice as he glances at the shit eating grin on Grayson’s face upon the mere mention of her name. “You say you care about her. Are you sure you’re not in love?”

Grayson licks his lips, “I don’t know. How does anyone really know?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious when you fall in love. If you can’t answer that, you might have never truly loved anyone.” Ethan’s words hit home. 

While it sounds callous, it’s also true – did Grayson ever really loved any of the girls he was with? They all seemed like the right one at some point. He told them he loves them, but did he really? In the end, they were all forgotten in a week or two, but Ella? He refused to tell her he loves her even when he thought he did. The word had become cheap, she deserved better ones. 

Is that love? Wanting to find better words to express your feelings? Words that are more than what most throw around like ‘Hello’? Words worthy of the way the mere thought of them brings a smile upon one’s face or their voice makes one’s heart race? 

“Have you ever loved someone?” Grayson asks, curious of his brother’s life. Even if he’s not his Ethan, he is Ethan. 

“Once. It didn’t last, but I did love her.” 

Figuring Ethan isn’t quite ready to talk more on the subject, Grayson decides to drop it. He shouldn’t upset him just for his selfish gain. “I think this happened because I wished to know what would have happened if we never went to Los Angeles and took the scholarships at that private school we were interested in.” 

He wished for his old dreams to come true, and they did. But at what cost?

“You wished for this?!” Ethan raises his voice, letting a little of his frustration out.

“I didn’t know it would actually happen!” Grayson defends, pressing his lips together once he realizes raising his voice isn’t going to do him any favors. “I’m guessing we took those scholarships in this universe?

“Yeah. We got into college on football scholarships but we play lacrosse too.” Ethan tells him, “Wrestling didn’t pan out as we wanted.”

“I met Ella in LA, so that’s probably why she’s not here.” Grayson rubs his temples, closing his eyes shut.

“So? Look her up. If she’s not a dream, she’s gonna be on social media.” Ethan suggests. 

Gnawing on the inside of his cheek, Grayson nods. His eyebrows furrow as he opens up Instagram on his phone. Typing in her username comes up blank. Typing in her name comes out blank.

"Why can't I find her?!" Frustrated, he hits the dash and Ethan huffs, not happy with the way Grayson is treating the car. It may be a flaming pile of shit, but it gets them from point A to point B.

"You're saying you dreamed up a girl you think is real?" Ethan’s not convinced Ella exists. If anything, he’s still a little weirded out with the idea of Grayson not really being his Grayson. He’s trying to believe it all, to trust him on his word and to trust his instincts screaming at him, but it’s hard. It’s really hard.

"She is real!" Grayson exclaims, half panicked as he’s beginning to doubt himself as well. What if Ella found someone else? If he wasn’t there that day they met, who was? 

Glancing at a frustrated Grayson, Ethan feels pity. He may not be his Grayson, but he’s still his brother. In a way. "Google her then."

"If her Instagram account doesn't exist, why would anything exist then? Huh?" What Grayson truly worries about is, what if something happened to her? Maybe she did exist at some point but doesn’t anymore?

"Maybe because it’s Google? Google knows all. If she’s not on there, she was a dream bro." Ethan reasons, parking the car. He turns to Grayson, watching him. Grayson’s pensive, filled with a thousand emotions he cannot put into words and Ethan understands him. He does. 

"Wait...She only got Instagram to follow me! She admitted that!" Grayson exclaims, a little too excited while Ethan remains unimpressed.

"Bro, I love you, but you sound douchier than usual." And that says a lot since he’s been dealing with his douche of a brother. His Grayson is the definition of a douchebag. 

"No, no, she really told me that. So...she wouldn't be in LA either because she said we inspired her to move to follow her dream which would mean she’s back home!" 

Raising his eyebrows, Ethan’s eyes widened, "We inspired her?"

"Yeah, she said if two snotty teenagers could move to LA and make it just by filming videos of themselves she could surely get her book deal." Grayson says it with a smile, feeling nostalgic.

Ethan snorts, "She sounds supportive."

"She really is though." And with that, Ethan notes how Grayson’s voice is warmer when he speaks of Ella. That’s definitely not his brother. His Grayson doesn’t soften up when he speaks about girls unless it’s about Gizmo, their pet bird.

"She’d never tell anyone about the book, but I know she’s been writing it since she was 16 and she actually sold it!" Grayson is also proud of her, boasting about it as if it’s his own success. Ethan can’t help but smile.

"So look for her with that info, you do know where she is from, right?"

"Michigan." The word barely passes his lips as Ethan punches his shoulder, "Owh, what the hell E?!"

"We are in fucking Michigan!" Throwing his arms in the air, Ethan shakes his head. The pent up craziness of the day is starting to drive him up the wall and he can’t even be sure what’s real and what’s not anymore. ”We’re literally Michigan Wolverines!”

"Seriously?! She might be in the same school then!" Clapping his hands, Grayson opens the car door. He jumps out, wildly looking around the parking lot, hoping he’d see her black hair swaying with the wind.

"You're giving me a headache, I hope she's nicer than you." Ethan mumbles, leaning his forearms on the roof of the car, his car door still open.

"You two have been iffy a bit, but you loved her E.”, Grayson turns to him, grinning, “You said it yourself, you love her like a sister but if she touches your vegan rolls again you'd burn the house to the ground."

Lips parting, Ethan’s nose crinkles, "Vegan? She can have them all, why would I fight her on that?!"

Drawing a deep breath, Grayson pinched the bridge of his nose, "Please don't tell me we aren't vegan."

"We are jocks, Grayson, chicken is our religion." Ethan reminds him as he closes the car door, locking it. Walking around the car, he chuckles at Grayson who grumbles about it.

"Just great."

Running a hand through his hair, Ethan averts his eyes to the ground. The pavement is still wet, a reminder of the stormy night from before. "Do I have anyone in your world?"

Grayson smirks, "An Australian model."

"WHAT?!" Ethan steps in front of Grayson, stopping him. 

"Yeah, my reaction too when she decided to date you." Grayson chuckles, amused with the shocked, slightly jealous expression on Ethan’s face.

"Bro, I want an Australian model!"

Laughing wholeheartedly at the whining, Grayson shrugs, "You have her. Well, the other you does."

Throwing his hands up in the air, for the second time in the past ten minutes, Ethan walks ahead, “Fuck this shit.”

Smiling fondly at his brother’s back, Grayson sighs, “At least I know you’re extra here too.”

“What?!” Ethan glances at him over his shoulder and Grayson shakes his head, “NOTHING!”

--

As days passed, Grayson realized one thing: time has its own flow and in that its own beauty, for no man can command it to halt, it can only pass with unique divinity. It’s only been a few nights since he woke up in this strange universe and while days were easy to survive as he spent them on the field and Monday brought classes, nights were much less forgiving.

He misses her – his Ella. 

Time, just as love, is unchangeable – it is there at the end as it was at the start and Grayson doesn’t know how to accept that he might never see Ella again.

He finds himself scribbling her name instead of class notes on his first day of college, attempting to draw her – but the shade of brown in her eyes is never quite right. No matter how hard he tries, nothing he draws will ever come close to the warmth and understanding her eyes and smile held. No one can ever replace the comforting relief that would wash over him whenever she would squeeze his hand or run her fingers through his hair. 

Simply, no one can compare to Ella. No one, possibly not even the alternative universe her…if she exists.

Sighing, Grayson leans back on the tree he sat under. He closes the textbook with her name written a dozen times to give himself reprieve. Being there without her is torment, a special kind of hell Grayson never dreamed he’d be stuck in. 

Ethan has helped him adjust as much as possible, but it seems as if he can never truly fit into this life.

This Grayson is a douchebag, whoring his way through campus with a bottle of tequila in hand and no one bats an eye as long as he scores the winning touchdown. His grades are an average C, but it took him less than a single day to find out it’s because the professors are giving him special treatment. He’s not exactly a model student and plenty of his classmates were surprised he even attended lectures today.

Closing his eyes, he tries to ignore the words in his head reminding him this is karma. He has done enough to get himself rejected from his own timeline and universe. 

Truth be told, he’s ashamed. He wasn’t much better before meeting Ella, either. He’d whore his way through Los Angeles, the difference being non-disclosure agreements he had the girls sign. He might have been sober, but he was drunk on adrenaline of fame that he had given into different obsessions. He became paranoid, mistrustful, hateful and treated his friends as if they owed him something for being a part of his life.

When Ella came around, he changed. It took a while, but Grayson thought he was finally worthy of her. 

Now? Grayson finally understands what she meant when she told him she might not like him as a jock. He didn’t like himself as a jock.

“Hey, six-pack?!”

Grayson’s eyes open wide, his breath caught in his throat as he recognizes that voice. Only one person he knows has that kind of a voice – a raspy voice that is the base of all his happy memories. 

And there she is, Ella – his Ella. Her long black hair is shorter in this universe, falling to her shoulders in waves. Her eyes are just as beautiful as he remembers them to be, like melted honey on a warm sunny day. Her lips are curled into a small smile, gentle yet cautious. 

“Ella?” He breathes out, his hands beginning to shake and she can tell. 

Ella raises an eyebrow, confused as to why would the cockiest man she ever met feel so nervous to see her. He seems to be shocked, maybe even relieved – a contradictory Grayson never was. Not to her knowledge. She always saw him as a one dimensional being – an asshole without a cause. 

“Wanted to bring this back to you”, she reaches into her backpack – a flower themed green backpack she had when they first met. 

Back then, she was but a stranger with a very pissed off look on her face when he slammed into her on the beach as he attempted to catch a ball Ethan sent flying way above his head. He remembers her yelling at him as if it were yesterday, but he also remembers her laughing when he asked for her number when she was done with yelling, breathless. He bought her an ice cream and apologized and ever since then, Grayson never looked at another.

Ella tosses a jersey in his face and Grayson quickly stands up, holding the jersey in his hands. 

“Wait, how do you have this?” He looks at the number – 33 – his number.

Raising both eyebrows, Ella’s eyes widened for a split second, “Wow, you were really drunk off your ass that night, weren’t you?” Leaning in, she steps on her tiptoes as Grayson holds his breath, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that Grayson Dolan actually did something decent for a change.”

She turns on her heel, taking a few steps further before Grayson’s senses return to him. “Ella, wait!”

“And he remembers my name? I’m impressed!” She giggles, not even turning around as she heard his heavy footsteps just behind her. “Though I don’t remember telling you my name.” That’s when she stops, hands on her hips as she looks at Grayson who looks like he’s lost. “How do you know my name?”

“How do you have my jersey? I asked first”, Grayson reminds her with a lopsided grin and she purses her lips to stop a smile from spreading. While Ella might not be Grayson’s biggest fan, she’s not blind – he’s extremely good looking.

“The other night at the party mean anything to you?” She raises an eyebrow, waiting for Grayson to respond but he just shrugs, a red tint slowly coloring her cheeks. It’s not something he’s used to as Ella was always tan from the LA sun, but she’s much paler than usual.

“Some asshole pushed me in the pool and my shirt got wet and it was very see through. I panicked and ran and stumbled upon you and for some reason you weren’t an asshole about it and lent me the jersey without even trying to stare at my boobs.” Licking her lips, Ella narrows her eyes at Grayson, “Which was very weird, are you alright? Nobody's body snatched you?”

Chuckling, Grayson shakes his head, eyes fixed on Ella. He can’t look away, not even if he tried. “I’m trying to be better.”

“You? Better?” Biting her lower lip, Ella steps closer, “I really wanna believe that”, her raspy voice is like stardust to Grayson. 

He loves hearing her talk, words are her finishing touch to the emotions she usually suppresses but only ever shared with him. It took forever for her to open up to him, but even then it wasn’t as often. So yes, Grayson wished he could tell her how much he would like to listen to her talk. It doesn’t matter what’s it about – something, nothing, he just wants her to talk to him.

Taking her hand, Grayson hears her gasp. He places her palm on his chest, right above his heart. “Please do. I need you to believe in me.” His lips are parted, his eyes clinging to her like a dying man clings to his last breath and she’s looking back at him, her hand is touching him and she’s not fighting the touch.

Until she breaks out in laughter, “That’s a good line! Do you use that on all your little flings?” 

Stepping away from him, she bites her lower lip, almost disappointed. “Don’t spend your best lines on me, Quarterback, I’m not easily swayed and my heart is taken by someone else.”

Sobering words splash into Grayson’s senses as if they were icy water. “Someone else?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna leave you before someone spreads unflattering rumors about us.” Turning away, Ella takes three more steps before glancing at Grayson over her shoulder. She doesn’t know why she did it, but something inside her told her to look back, to stay – even if it’s for a moment. 

“Thank you for the jersey, Grayson. I’ll remember that.”

And as Grayson stood there, watching Ella leave, he reminded himself that everything he wants is on the other side of determination and consistency. He would show her he’s redeemable and he would win her over. It doesn’t matter what universe he’s in, there is never a time he won’t want her – her light, her kindness, her approval. 

Even if everything's made to be broken, Grayson needs her to believe in him. He needs her to know who he is. 

--

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m with you”, Ella huffs. Arms crossed she rolls her eyes at Grayson before laughing, “Your decoration skills need serious improvement!”

“Ah, you got me worried for a moment”, Grayson reaches out for her. Grabbing her by the arm, he pulls her into his lap.

Chuckling, she wraps her arms around his neck, “Why?”

Licking his lips, Grayson looks down, “Because I wonder why you’re with me.”

“For the same reason you’re with me”, she explains and he furrows his eyebrows as his lips form a tight line. The reason he’s with her is because his soul never felt more at home than when she would wrap her arms around him.

“Boobies?” Grayson teases, earning himself an eye roll.

Cupping his left boob, Ella exclaims, “Yes! Yours are almost as big as mine!”

“Idiot!” Grayson grumbles under his breath. Looking back at it, he knew it was a perfect chance to tell her what she means to him and how grateful he is for her presence but he didn’t. He made it into a joke to hide just how much he needs her and she didn’t deserve that. She deserved a man who could speak his mind and share his emotions, not a coward he turned out to be.

“Awee, you’re not an idiot”, Ethan mocks, “Especially not if you help a brother out.”

“I’m not telling you her name, Ethan.” Grayson turns to his other side, determined to salvage what’s left of the night. He couldn’t sleep, not after knowing his Ella hates him. But is she his? How can she be his when she loves someone else? How can she be his when this Ella hadn’t ever been in his arms? Even if she was, she would be the other Grayson’s Ella. Manwhore Grayson’s Ella. Frat boy, jock’s Ella.

It leaves him with a bad taste in his mouth. The idea of her with someone else, even another version of himself isn’t easy to stomach.

“But she’s my girlfriend!” Ethan exclaims, throwing a sock at Grayson’s head. A smelly sock.

Covering his nose, Grayson tosses the sock back, “Not in this world she isn’t.”

Flipping Grayson off, Ethan groans. “She could be, ya know? She could be my girlfriend!”

Rolling his eyes, Grayson turns to his back, “Chasing someone else’s love story isn’t exactly something I’d recommend to you.”

“Wouldn’t the other me want to be with his girl in every universe?” Ethan challenges and Grayson raises his eyebrows, “You’re trying to find your girl in this universe, why don’t I get the same courtesy?”

Pressing his lips in a hard line, sadness clouded Grayson’s features, “Kristina Alice.”

Gasping, Ethan’s phone lights up as he searches her name only to sit up once he sees her photo, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, SHE’S MINE?!”

“YuPP”, Grayson closes his eyes, “Good luck getting her to accept your request.”

“Thanks”, Ethan smiles as he hits the follow button on her Instagram page, desperately hoping she would soon accept his request and he could send her a message. Maybe he has a shot after all.

“Just shut up and let me sleep.” Grayson covers his head with a pillow, turning to the other side where it’s colder.

“What if”, Ethan begins as Grayson groans loudly. Those two words are the last ones he wants to hear. Ever.

“I need to sleep!”

“Sure, but hear me out”, Ethan springs from his bed and sits on Grayson’s, “What if you being here means my brother, real brother, is also in a different universe?”

Uncovering his face, Grayson’s eyes widen as he sits up with a thundering heart, “Like in my universe?”

“Dunno, but I don’t think he would just disappear. The whole laws of physics wouldn’t allow for that to happen. If energies cannot be created or destroyed, perhaps souls can’t either. Maybe he’s in your body or in another universe and that universes’ Grayson is in your body? Maybe all the Grayson’s have switched places?”

Hand on his heart, Grayson could feel the cold sweat forming at the back of his neck, “I’m gonna be sick.”

“You think it’s possible?” Ethan raises his right eyebrow, genuinely curious.

“If it is, some other guy is with my Ella right now and he could be fucking up my life as we speak.”

“Well, depending on the definition of ‘your life’, he could be fucking your life right now.” Ethan’s insinuation didn’t help Grayson fall asleep that night.

If it’s true, another version of him might be holding Ella tightly against him as she unravels under him. Another Grayson, possibly even the manwhore Grayson he’s occupying could be both abusing the privilege of being intimate with Ella and breaking her heart by being intimate with other women in front of her.

Laying awake, staring at the ceiling, Grayson met dawn as an old friend. Dawn signified a new start, a day full of activities that would busy his mind with anything but some look alike hurting the lov…His Ella. Besides, he was looking forward to the day as he planned on seeing this Ella as well. He can’t deny the pull, the gravitational change he feels when he’s close to her. She may not be his Ella in every sense of the word, but she is Ella and she is the light in this darkness.

Morning practice went by fast, allowing him to exercise some of his demons, but it isn’t enough. In the back of his mind is an image, one that is enough to enrage him – an image of his lookalike in bed with his unsuspecting Ella.

Inhaling, he closes his eyes as he settles under the same tree he sat at yesterday. Holding his breath, he waits for the burning sensation of his lungs as they scream for oxygen. Reluctant, he releases the pent up air in a slow exhale.

“Since when is this your hangout place?”

Eyes snapping open, Grayson’s lips part with the familiar raspiness in the voice. “Ella?”

“Still my name”, she smiles before sitting in front of him, book in her hand.

“Sorry”, he breathes out, attempting to smile but he didn’t know if he should smirk or grin and ended up grimacing more than smiling.

“Don’t be. It’s not like the tree has my name on it”, she shrugs as she opens up her book and he frowns, confused.

“What do you mean?”

Pointing to the tree, “It’s my spot. Has been since freshman year and suddenly you’re here.”

Making an ‘O’ shaped face, Grayson’s heart skips a beat. He didn’t even know why he sat under this particular tree, but it was calming him. It felt cozy, safe, a place to gather his thoughts. Upon further evaluation, this tree wasn’t entirely different from other trees, but he chose the same one two days in a row and he had a sneaky suspicion Ella is the reason why he was drawn to it.

If there is no magic in the world, how is he in this universe? If there is no magic in the world, how did he meet her again? If there is no magic in the world, why would he sit under this tree?

Smiling, Grayson realizes – magic exists. Maybe it’s not in the obvious witchy way, but it’s real. Ella made him see that.

“I’m sorry if I was ever a jerk to you.” Gnawing at the inside of his bottom lip, Grayson noticed her surprise when he spoke up, more so with what he said.

“Save your apologies, Quarterback. You weren’t a jerk to me.” Forcing a small smile, she clarifies, “You weren’t anything to me.” Tucking her hair behind her ear, she feels her heartbeat quicken as his eyes remain on her. She could see the genuine emotions swirling in his hazel eyes and it caught her off guard. It’s as if he actually means it.

“Look, you’ve been pretty shitty to a lot of people and you’re worshipped regardless. But if you want to be better, you have to take baby steps. It’s never easy to change once you’ve left people with a certain idea of who you are.” Licking her lips, she sinks her front teeth into her bottom lip. 

Averting her gaze to the book in hand, she tries to hide how his unrelenting gaze is making her nervous. It’s an effort to stop herself from tapping her fingers on the book or to stop herself from running away to take a proper breath she can’t seem to take ever since she decided to sit there. Somehow, Grayson causes a panic in her, not one associated by fear. It’s more about the implications of his longing stares and uncharacteristically kind words.

“Can I start with you?” Grayson leans closer, minding the way she blinks faster as he does as if his proximity is making it harder for her to ignore the need to stay close.

“Why me? What’s so important about me?” Her question catches him off guard and it reminds him of his Ella and the insecurities she always tried to hide. Maybe they’re not so different after all.

“Because I think highly of you.”

Scoffing, she looks away but Grayson can’t ignore the blush spreading across her cheeks. “You don’t even know me.”

“I’m an observant person. I know more than you think and I’m not asking for you to be my friend but maybe a tutor? You could help my grades and my stupid mouth when it goes off?”

Narrowing her eyes at him, Ella’s confusion is stronger than before. No matter what she heard of Grayson, he didn’t seem as bad as people made him seem. He’s trouble, she’s sure of that, but he’s also lost. A part of her wants to help him find what he’s looking for, to help him…fix him, but if she does, she knows she might find herself in dangerous territory. 

Grayson Dolan seems like a guy one would easily fall for, but he also seems like the guy who’d break her heart. Can he even break a heart that’s not his to begin with?

“Tutoring sounds fine.” She speaks, finally breaking the silence and Grayson’s lips stretch into a wide smile on instinct.  “But only tutoring and it’s not for free. I expect you to do something for me too.”

“Anything!”

Drawing a deep breath, she wonders if this is wise. It could backfire in the worst possible way, but she can’t help herself. She has a unique chance to do something she always wanted, “I need you to be my fake boyfriend for a month.”

Inhaling sharply, Grayson exhales, “Huh?”

Rolling her eyes, she leans closer, “I want to make a guy jealous and who better to do that than the Quarterback.”

Grayson’s heart sinks with her words but he finds himself nodding. It might be the worst thing to agree to but it would put him in her orbit and it would give her a chance to see who he truly is. She might fall for him in the end.

“Alright. Let’s do this.”

--

“So you’re just gonna fake date your girlfriend?” Ethan cocks an eyebrow, a little confused and uncertain of the benefits this deal could possibly bring his brother.

Shrugging, Grayson runs his fingers through his hair, attempting to put in the effort to make himself look somewhat presentable. “Yeah. It’s not much, but I’m willing to go through with worse if it means I get to hold her hand at the end of the day.”

“What if her plan works and she actually gets with the person you’re supposed to make jealous?” Raising both eyebrows, Ethan flicks Grayson’s ear, “You’ll be worse off than before.”

“It won’t happen!” Grayson exclaims, trying to not murder Ethan. “Fake dating trope always ends with the two realizing their feelings and marrying each other.” 

Smiling at his reflection in the mirror, he nods to himself. It’s the first time in a long time he gave much thought about what he should wear or what his hair looks like but it’s for a good reason. He has to impress Ella. 

“We’re soulmates, E. I know it.”

Huffing, Ethan rolls his eyes, “Chances of that being an actual thing is slim, but let's face the facts. Even if you’re soulmates, you two aren’t necessarily meant to be in every single universe. No one can have their happy ending in every universe. Maybe consider this universe is the one where you don’t get the girl.”

Hands on his hips, Grayson turns to Ethan with a stiff upper lip, “Is this really about me and Ella or about the fact Kristina didn’t accept your follow request?”

Rubbing his forehead, Ethan groans, “Maybe, but it’s a possibility?! I don’t want you to end up with a broken heart if this doesn’t work out. Just…Don’t forget this isn’t your life, okay? What happens when real Grayson comes back and he’s suddenly in a relationship? He’d break Ella’s heart.”

“What if he never returns and I’m stuck here forever? I can’t and will not give up on Ella. Manwhore Grayson needs to man up and I’m preparing the turf in case he returns to this life.”

“Manwhore Grayson?!” Ethan chuckles, “That’s actually who he is. Cameron calls him that!” Wheezing, Ethan throws himself on the bed, hugging a pillow.

Grayson watches, stifling a laugh, “Bro, I wanna smack him so bad!!”

“Get in line! At least half the female population wanna smack his face and the other wants to smack his ass!”

Pursing his lips, Grayson exhales through his nose, or he tries to. It’s been hell living in a body with sinus issues again and he envied whoever is in his body for the ability to breathe freely and without suffering after he had suffered all the pain of two surgeries and multiple rounds of antibiotics.

“Well, I’ll be going then. Don’t wanna keep my girl waiting.” With a lopsided grin, Grayson heads to the door when Ethan speaks up.

“Do you think this would classify as cheating? I mean, she’s Ella but she’s not really your Ella, right?”

Licking his lips, Grayson’s heart sinks. Ethan is right, this Ella might look like his Ella, have her soul, but her personality might be different. So far, Grayson noticed three differences: her ears are pierced though his Ella was terrified of the very idea of having them pierced, she doesn’t seem to wear the red lipstick he loved to smudge and she had black nail polish but his Ella prefers pastels.

Shaking his head, he remembers how it felt to imagine her with manwhore Grayson. It doesn’t feel right and his Ella would probably hate him for this, but something inside him is insisting he must see it through. “I’ll see you later.”

--

Holding his breath and waiting for inevitable doom. This is what Grayson feels like. It’s as if this entire universe is made to torture him. Sure, he wasn’t the best person alive in his universe, but he wasn’t evil either. A part of him couldn't shake the karma aspect of this switch – what did he do that was so bad to warrant a karmic intervention?

“Hey!” Ella’s usual raspy voice is a little higher, pitchy, enough to make Grayson smile. She’s nervous and he’s glad he’s the one that made her nervous. It means she cares, however small it may be.

“You look”, pausing, Grayson raises his eyebrows as his eyes trail down her body, “Incredible!” He lets out a breathless chuckle, watching her cheeks darken. She’s definitely nervous.

“So, uh, what do you need help with”, Ella licks her lips, tucking her hair behind her ear as her eyes fix on his hand. “Are those….flowers?” Raising an eyebrow, she stifles a smile as Grayson fidgets, scratching the back of his neck.

“Yeah…I wanted to do something nice.” Holding the flowers out, he watches her lips twitch as her attempt to keep a smile at bay slowly fails.

The corners of his lips turned up in a slight smile as his eyes dropped to the floor, a strangely demure gesture for him, Ella realized. As he looked back at her, moving his hair back with his hand, Ella was momentarily swayed by the dark brown eyes that sparkled up through long, dark lashes that she never noticed before. Perhaps she allowed herself to send a few glances his way in the past, trying to understand why so many girls ventured into his web, and she never quite understood until now.

The way he looks at her as if she’s the source of sunshine in his life, the way he smiles as if her presence sparks joy in his heart and the way he had held her hand over his beating heart had disarmed her and she hated herself for it. 

She fell for his charms and silver tongue as many have before and she likes him. She does. It’s impossible not to like a man as magnificent as Grayson – no matter how messed up he is. 

There will always be a girl willing to stay way too long in hopes of fixing him. He’s a death trap for every woman who looks into his eyes.

“Lilies?” Careful, she reaches for the flowers. Her fingers curl right above his, avoiding touch and the electrifying feelings it could bring to the surface. Ella preferred not to know.

“Your favorite”, Grayson blurts out, his mouth faster than his brain and his eyes widen as Ella’s eyes narrow at him.

“How would you know?”

Hands trembling, Grayson shrugs, “A lucky guess. You’re not a rose kind of a girl because you think roses are cliché.”

Eyebrows furrowing, Ella’s frown deepens, “That sounds more like an educated guess.”

“Am I wrong?” Grayson cocks an eyebrow, his confidence growing as she purses her lips, eyeing him as if she’s reconsidering her previous judgment of him.

“I hate the thorns too”, she states matter of factly, turning her back on him. Glancing over her shoulder, she raises an eyebrow, “Coming? Or am I supposed to take your exams for you, Quarterback?”

With a lopsided grin, Grayson follows after, relishing in her sassy attitude. She must know how it affects him, draws him in. If anyone could tell him to get over his shit and act like a normal human being, it was Ella. Of course, his Ella took a while to open up in a way where she didn’t mind her tongue. His Ella is shy until one gets under her skin, a little more insecure. This Ella is a firecracker from the start, brazen.

For a moment, he feels guilty for liking that about her. He feels guilty for liking this Ella, but it’s still his Ella, is it not? She’s just got a different life experience. 

--

For the first time in his life, Grayson couldn’t stop staring. He was good at hiding his feelings, pushing down anything uncomfortable until he could ignore it, but he couldn’t do it. Not anymore. He sought her out even when she wasn’t close, he yearned for her shy smiles and annoyed eye rolls. He missed each time she’d glance his way and swiftly look away or the way she’d use her hands when she talks about something she’s passionate about. He wanted to see her hands when she’s talking about him, to be passionate about him – with him.

For the first time in his life, Grayson found himself chasing after a girl. She’s out of his league, he’s aware of it. She’s wife material and he isn’t sure he could settle down any time soon, but waiting too long might mean she’ll find someone who is ready for all the things he’d like to have with her. Because no matter how scary it seems to commit when he’s unsure if he’s able to love someone, losing the opportunity to find out seems scarier.

For the first time in his life he wanted to reach out and ask her to hold his hand, to look at him the same way she looks at puppies because he only ever saw her look at them with love. He wants to hear her laugh at his jokes and he wants her to call him out on the shit he does and hold him accountable. He wants her to make an effort because she thinks he deserves to be saved, that he can be fixed. Maybe he should fix himself before asking her to love him, but she makes it better. With her, he finds all he thought he lost before – the will to try and do better.

“Are you okay?” Her voice catches him off guard, her eyes gentle, softer than he thought they could be. 

“You seem a million miles away”, she brushes over the part where he stared at her and he’s grateful. She could have called him a creep and walked away, but she didn’t. Instead, Ella reaches out, her hand resting atop of his and Grayson releases a heavy sigh, as if the weight of the world didn’t press on his chest anymore. It’s as if a single touch of her hand had made him whole.

“I feel better now.” Grayson musters a smile, “You make everything better.”

For the second time in his life, Grayson finds himself staring. Blinking seems so unnatural when his eyes are focused on such beauty as if a single moment lost would prove to be deadly. Not looking at her would make him crumble, blurt out the truth of who he is and how scared he is and how badly he needs her to hold him and say things will be alright. But she doesn’t.

For the second time in his life, Grayson found himself wishing for a girl to hold his hand, to tell him he’s worth saving. He wants her to smile and blush like she did when she brought his jersey back to him. He wants her to roll her pretty brown eyes and chuckle at him, but she doesn’t.

For the second time in his life, Grayson is wondering if he’s able to commit to anyone. Is he any better than the manwhore version of him from this alternative universe? 

He’s sitting next to a woman and he craves her attention and approval as if he doesn’t have a woman who offers all that and more. 

Does it really give him any reprieve if they’re the same soul cultivated in different universes? 

Perhaps she’d think it’s cute she captured his attention even in a different setting? Would Ella feel hurt or betrayed if he admitted he likes this version of her, as well?

“Are you okay?” Ella’s raspy voice catches him off guard, not just the sound, but the choice of wording. It’s the orotund tone she uses too; a little uncomfortable, lacking the softness his Ella would use with him. “You’re kinda staring and zoning out and I’m trying to explain this in the easiest way possible.”

Licking his lips, he nods, more to himself than her as he realizes this Ella and his Ella are definitely not the same person. Perhaps they look alike, but his Ella was kinder in a sense. Maybe kinder isn’t the proper word, but empathic?

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just have a slight headache.” Pushing his hair back, he clears his throat, “So, uh, there’s a game this Friday.”

“Oh”, her eyebrows raised, Ella tilts her head slightly to the left, waiting for him to explain.

“Well, we’re dating, fake dating and girlfriends usually wear their boyfriend’s jersey’s on the day of the game”, swallowing thickly, Grayson draws in a quick breath. “Would you maybe wear mine?”

Furrowing her eyebrows for a moment, Ella’s face relaxed again as her eyes fell to Grayson’s shaky left hand. Reaching out, she takes his hand in hers. Her grip is firm, certain, no doubts as she gives it a squeeze. 

“Yeah. It’s not like it’s my first time.” Letting out a breathless chuckle, she shrugs, “And we did agree. So, I’ll wear your jersey and you pass this exam tomorrow.”

“Deal.” Grayson smiles as she purses her lips, but his smile quickly falls as she lets go of his hand and turns to the notes. She held his hand, but it’s not nearly as long as he wished for her hand to linger.

“Oh, wow, it’s true.” Someone speaks from behind them and Grayson frowns, turning back only to see a blonde, tall guy with a smirk plastered on his face.

“Danny!” Ella exclaims, jumping to her feet and straight into this guy’s arms.

Grayson’s eyes narrow as he looks how low his hands rest on Ella’s back, more so as the guy’s green eyes pierce him. He’s sizing him up just as much as Grayson’s doing to him. So, Grayson stands – letting him have something to size up. They may be the same height, but Grayson’s muscular, much more than him.

“So you’re really dating the Quarterback? I thought it was a joke.” Danny chuckles, his arm around Ella as she shifts uncomfortably at his words.

“Why?” Grayson raises an eyebrow, “She’s a beautiful, witty, intelligent woman. Any man would be lucky to have her.”

Smiling, Ella looks to Danny who nods, “Yes, I wasn’t demeaning her by asking. I’m saying I’m shocked she’d stoop as low to date you.”

Escaping his embrace, Ella steps away, “What the fuck, Daniel?”

Rolling his eyes, Daniel clicks his tongue, “Oh, come on! He’s whored his way through campus, you’re probably the last one he didn’t bag. He’ll use you and cast you aside, Ells. Men like him can’t commit.”

Chuckling from frustration more than finding anything amusing, Grayson steps closer to Ella, wrapping his arm around her waist. “Sounds like you know the type, Derrick.”

“It’s Daniel”, he corrects Grayson, visibly annoyed.

“Sure it is, Dario.”

Nostrils flaring, eyes narrowing, Daniel clenches his fists. “You can’t seriously think Ella is stupid to fall for your tricks.”

“Ella is right here and she’s perfectly capable of making her own decisions”, Grayson remarks, stepping in front of her, “Imply she’s stupid again and I’ll knock you on your ass so fast you won’t know what hit you.”

“Gray”, that’s when he feels it – her arms wrapping around him, her hand over his heart. “Please calm down, please.” Her head rests on his back, her hold on him tightening.

Softening at the sound of her frightened voice, Grayson steps back. “You’re lucky I value her good opinion more than your jealous remarks, Dicky.”

“It’s Daniel!” Raising his voice, Daniel shakes his head. “Ella, come on. Let’s go watch that movie before I lose my temper.”

Lips parting, Grayson glances at Ella who is blinking fast, biting on her bottom lip anxiously. “I think I’m gonna stay.”

“Seriously?” Daniel frowns, his green eyes fixed on her.

“I think I need some time away from you to reevaluate our friendship.” Ella states, her voice shaky and Grayson feels her body begin to shake as well.

“What?” Pointing at Grayson, Daniel speaks, “This is his doing! He’s manipulating you!”

Shaking her head, Ella seems to be lost. After years of liking this guy, she’s only now wondering why. “No, he’s not. You’re the asshole here. Your behavior toward my boyfriend is telling me I need to step back and create some distance because if you’re incapable of trusting I can make my own choices, I can’t trust you either.”

“He’ll break your heart.” Daniel states and Ella lets out a breathless chuckle.

“Maybe. But it’s my heart to break.”

And that’s when Grayson felt his heart break a little too. When he looks at her, he sees her heart is already cracked from this altercation. Daniel had been the culprit, but he feels responsible.

Walking away, Daniel doesn’t spare the pair a second glance. Ella’s quiet, holding onto Grayson. He can see she’s struggling to hold her tears at bay, but she’s successful. “We should review this part once again.”

“You don’t have to be brave with me.” Grayson tries but she waves him off.

“I’m fine.”

She’s not, but she can’t talk about it. Breaking down in tears isn’t exactly what she wants around Grayson. She’s hurt, confused and angry, but none of those emotions will help her. She wanted to make Daniel jealous a little, make him see what he could have if he stopped friendzoning her, but she didn’t expect him to disrespect her or say hurtful things about Grayson, as true as they may be.

“I’m fine”, she repeats before letting out a shuddered breath. “So, how did you get this result?”

Knowing better than to push her further, Grayson swallows thickly and plays along, taking this time with her as a chance to help her clear her head. His Ella always worked herself to the bone when she didn’t want to think about something, maybe this Ella needed the same. If she’s anything like his Ella, she’ll open up when she’s ready and for now, Grayson has nothing but time.

--

“Hey”, Grayson comes up behind Ella, making her gasp.

Slapping a hand over her mouth to hold in a shrill scream, she turns around only to whack Grayson with her free hand. “Jerk!”

Raising his hands in mock surrender, Grayson’s mouth curved into a smile. “I wanted to hug my girl, not my fault she’s a scaredy cat!”

Rolling her eyes, she takes a step closer so he couldn’t miss her glare, “I prefer not to have Quarterbacks giving me heart attacks. A warning would have been nice!” Her voice is tremulous, her hands still shaky.

“I was gonna offer to walk you to your dorm”, Grayson’s smile falls as he realizes he truly did scare her which wasn’t his intention at all. He didn’t see her that day more than a few times in passing, so he got excited for a moment of her time finally seemed to be open for him to claim as his.

“Just don’t sneak up on me when the sun is going down, okay?” Ella crosses her arms over her chest as she looks left to right before her eyes set on Grayson who pales, realizing his mistake.

“Oh, shit”, he pinches the bridge of his nose, frustrated with himself. Who the fuck goes up to a girl in an empty street at dusk? Idiots like him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”

Cracking a smile, she nods, “Yeah”, exhaling loudly, she points ahead, “I live about ten minutes that way.”

“You’re letting me walk with you?” Grayson’s eyes widen, a little too excited and Ella could tell. 

“It’s getting dark and you’re kinda big and scary looking to potential killers.” Ella shrugs, “I don’t mind a bodyguard right now.”

The corners of his mouth turned up, licking his lips quickly before taking her hand in his. He noticed her tense up, but she didn’t fight his touch. Her hand felt sweaty, but he held on tightly as if it were his safety rope and letting go would mark him for death.

“Do you believe people can really change?” Grayson wonders out loud, hoping Ella would show some signs of changing her opinion on him. She let him hold her hand, isn’t that progress?

“I believe some people are beyond help.” Ella sighs, glancing up at Grayson whose face fell with her words, “But I don’t think you are. If anything, you feel like someone I’ve known my entire life and I know it’s insane but I feel like I trust you more than I should.”

His heart fluttered with her confession, acutely aware it means he has more of a chance than he originally thought.

“I feel the same way”, Grayson admits, “You’re like coming up for fresh air, like spring after a long winter.”

Beaming, she fanned herself with her free hand, “I - that was - uh, that was really poetic”, Ella stumbled over her words, unable to form a coherent sentence and she never realized how much Grayson affected her. She may have been attracted to him before, but she couldn’t pretend she didn’t like him now that she got a chance to see what’s behind his popularity façade. 

“You make me feel poetic”, Grayson’s husky tone made her simper, looking away as heat rushed to her face.

“Wow, okay! A silver tongue charmer.” Ella stops, stepping in front of Grayson with a coy smile dancing along her lips. “We’re here.”

Pressing his lips together, Grayson looked at the walls of the building with slight frustration. He wished they had more time to talk, it finally felt like he made progress.

“If I say I wish we could spend more time together, would you hold it against me?” Ella raises her eyebrows expectantly, her defenses lowered.

“I could come in”, Grayson gave her a half smile, one she could bask in all night long if she would just ignore the little voice in her head reminding her how dangerous Grayson Dolan is to her heart.

“It would be a bad idea.” She lets go of his hand, licking her lips. “Maybe another time.”

Nodding, Grayson sniffled, his allergies making his nose runny. “I swear I’m not crying, I have allergies!”

Giggling, Ella smirks, “Sure. And here I thought you were having a hard time parting with me.”

His smile fading, Grayson’s face loses the usual lightheartedness, “I always have a hard time parting with you.”

Knitting her eyebrows, Ella’s lips part, “You’ve just met me five days ago.”

Shrugging, Grayson steps back, “Feels like a lifetime.” Nodding over to the front door of her dorm, he manages a small smile, “Go in, I’ll wait till you’re inside.”

Licking her lips, she exhales loudly. She takes a few steps away, her back turned on Grayson. Stopping, she glances over her shoulder at him - standing there with the sun setting behind him, a picture perfect man with his hands in his front pockets and she felt breathless as she took him in. Shaking her head, she rushed toward him. With her hands on his shoulders, she stood on her tiptoes until her lips pecked his cheek - fleetingly, feather light kind of a kiss that nearly stopped Grayson’s heart.

“I’ll see you soon”, she told him before she ran to the door. She stopped as her hand gripped the metal handle, looking back at him with a grin and Grayson knew he was in trouble - he liked this Ella, a little too much.

--

Grayson rarely felt as confident as he did when he was on the field. The screaming crowd always gave him enough of an ego boost to run on for a couple of weeks after. It’s been a long time since he was on the field, much too long not to be anxious about it, especially when he knew his teammates weren’t exactly friendly with him at the moment. Apparently if you sleep around with their girlfriends behind their backs, they might end up resenting you for it. Yet another thing he could thank manwhore Grayson for.

The game isn’t the only thing making him nervous. Ella wearing his jersey meant they would officially claim their fake dating trope and knowing she might not be entirely into the idea had left him wondering if he’s forcing it on her.

A part of him wanted to hold her hand and ignore the sinking feeling and insecurities, but another part of him lived to see her smile. Her smile had made all the difference in the world. Instead of responding to the constant wave of girls trying to flirt their way to his pants, he only cared for one smile, one pair of eyes, just one girl who could make him swoon.

“How do we do this?” Ella frowns, looking at the door. She’s nervous, he can tell. All the classic signs of his Ella are there – biting her lip, crossing her arms at her chest only to tap her fingers on her forearms, blinking fast. She needed reassurance, Grayson simply wished to provide her with it when he placed his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in.

“Oh”, she exclaims, caught off guard. “Didn’t realize we’d go for the half embrace, jersey on the special game kind of a walk, but sure.” With a tight lipped smile, Ella made the first step toward the door and Grayson followed.

Far too happy about the initial few gasps upon their entrance, Grayson grins. It’s official now, he’s staking his claim and taking charge and Ella is once again his. The girls whisper about as they walk past them, the guys spare no attempt to hide their wandering eyes from taking in the girl that made a guy like Grayson Dolan fold and commit.

“Don’t you two look lovely”, Ethan winks as he crosses their path, suppressing a smile as Grayson’s shit eating grin grows wider if that’s even possible.

“Your brother seems to be happy with our endeavor”, Ella notes. “Almost as if he knows the truth.”

“He does, but he’s also a sucker for romance. Says this is how most books start, but they never end this way.”

Raising an eyebrow, Ella cranes her neck to better look at her so-called boyfriend, “And do pray tell, how do they end?”

“A wedding.” Grayson chuckles, leading her to her first class of the day.

Stopping, Ella untangles herself from Grayson’s side almost instantly, leaving Grayson with a frown paired with a pout she found almost endearing

“Good thing we’re not in a book.”

Nodding, Grayson purses his lips, “I guess so. Wouldn’t be the worst thing though.”

Furrowing her eyebrows, Ella narrows her eyes ever so slightly. “What do you mean?”

A small smile plays on his lips, one that is near her as he leans in. His lips brush her earlobe and she holds her breath, her heartbeat skipping as he whispers, “There are worse things than having you as a wife.”

Swallowing thickly, Ella watched him step back with a cocky smile, praying her cheeks aren’t red. But they are. Her cheeks seem to know no other color but red when Grayson is close by.

“I’ll see you for the game, alright?” Grayson presses two fingers to his lips only to rest them back on hers, “Call me if you need me.”

And so, as he walked away, Ella remained rooted. For the first time in a long time, she fully understood what all those girls saw in this frat manwhore and it concerned her greatly to know he could disarm her so easily and she allowed it to happen. What upset her further is that she wished it had been his lips atop hers, not just his fingers.

As the day continued, such as they always do, Ella found herself thinking back to moments spent with Grayson and it only amplified her curiosity. The Grayson she heard of felt entirely like a fabrication at this point. This Grayson, dare she say – her – Grayson is much better than anyone gives him credit for.

In the time spent together, she had come to see him as a flawed human being, but one who is learning from his mistakes and rectifying them. It’s not impossible for her to truly care for him if he continues down that path. Perhaps in the near future, she wouldn’t care about the dashing Daniel she was so enamored by. Perhaps Grayson could be the one she desires after all. 

There are worse fates than a wedding, she thought..

--

Grayson would like to say he didn’t miss Ella, but he’d be lying. No, he doesn’t mean this Ella, rather his Ella. He tells himself he needs to let go of her, of the softness in her raspy voice whenever she speaks to him or the flowery scents she’s obsessed with, but he cannot reconcile the possibility of never seeing her.

Could he truly fall for this Ella and accept his Ella is to be lost forever? Can he surrender and learn to live in his new life as if he had never known the tender kisses she’d leave on his jaw or the way she’d trail his tattoos every morning after making love. She’s the reason why he stopped calling it fucking or sex. Ella is why it became something more. How can anyone top that? Even if it’s another version of her, what if Grayson never moves on?

“You good?” Ethan smacks him on the back and Grayson’s breath leaves him. Eyes wide, he nods, inhaling sharply.

“How big is this game?” Grayson wets his lips, finally hearing the cheering from the stands as he comes closer to the tunnel. Ethan shrugs, swiping his thumb just under his bottom lip.

“Career defining. We have scouts watching us tonight.” Ethan frowns, “If you wanted to fuck up our lives, botching tonight would be a fucktastic way to do it.”

“Great”, Grayson releases a heavy sigh, “No pressure then.”

Rolling his eyes, Ethan places his hands on Grayson’s padded shoulders, “Look, you’re not bad. You’ve been busting your ass in practice and you’re in shape, so just remember the plays and we’ll be good.”

“I’m the fucking quarterback, E. Why didn’t you take over for the night?”

Narrowing his eyes ever so slightly, Ethan gives Grayson a pointed look, “Because I have faith in you.”

“Somehow that makes it worse”, Grayson shakes his head, lips pressing into a thin line.

“Ella’s watching. Impress the girl and scouts and you’ll be on top of the world.”

And with that, Grayson put his helmet on and rushed onto the field with the rest of the team. He didn’t know what would happen, but he knew he had to try. If he doesn’t try, what’s the point? Life is about trying, again and again. Maybe some things are far too broken to be fixed, but he can piece himself up into a man every version of Ella would be proud to call hers.

Taking his position, Grayson scanned the stands quickly. His eye caught the empty seat where Ella was supposed to be and his heart sunk. She didn’t come.

Drawing a deep breath, Grayson swallows thickly.

“She’s with the cheerleaders!” Ethan shouts and Grayson’s head whips around to the cheerleaders only to find Ella waving at him.

A grin forms on his face as he waves back, wishing nothing more than to hold her in his arms. He really needs her tonight and maybe he can’t love her like he should, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her at all. This Ella, his Ella, any Ella – this woman’s soul is meant for him as much as his is meant for her. Just because he’s not the Grayson who gave her the jersey she ended up bringing back to him, doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy being the Grayson she likes. And she likes him – Grayson can tell.

Once the game started, Grayson had realized one thing - football is the way his entire being sang - a kind of music played in a way only the players and fans could hear. It was as if it is his opera, a tale of emotions told in struggle for the chance of earned glory.

Nothing could lessen the adrenaline coursing through his veins – not the mud, not the pain of being tackled nor the way he swore he’d pass out from all the running and shouting. Each time he managed to bring that football over the line, Grayson looked to Ella who jumped in excitement as if she actually cared about the result.

Deep down, Ella did care. It meant a lot to Grayson, not just winning but his position and popularity all stemmed from his ability to run with a ball without getting a concussion from a tackle. Every time he was on the ground, Ella had to physically restrain herself from running to his side. It hurt her to hear his pained grunts and for a moment, she cursed the moment she decided to ask her roommate to get her down to the field with the cheerleaders. She cashed in a favor to be closer to Grayson, regardless of the result and somehow she ended up getting a closer view of each time he was viciously brought onto the ground.

By the end, Grayson scored the winning touchdown and the crowd went wild. There isn’t a soul in that stadium that could deny the game was one of the best they’ve seen and no one doubted Grayson Dolan is a quarterback meant for much more than college football.

She saw him take his helmet off, the sweat matting his hair onto his forehead. The smile upon his lips felt like the sun itself shone upon her, especially when his hazel eyes found hers.

Fighting off his teammates' attempt to pick him up and carry him, Grayson ran straight toward her.

Ella heard about it, read about it – that moment when time seems to stop and you’re caught in between heartbeats and your breath is caught in your throat. Her heart is only human, flawed and frail and it feels as if it would give up on fighting to keep up with her emotions that explode inside her as Grayson comes closer and closer until she finds his arms around her waist and her feet off the ground.

She’s above him, her hands wrapped around his neck, fingertips buried in the hair at the back of his head. Her forehead rests atop of his, her smile as wide as his and for a moment, she throws caution out with the wind. Grayson spins them around, a throaty chuckle escaping him and his sweat doesn’t bother her even as she feels him soak her clothes. She doesn’t care about the people watching or the flashing cameras and she could care less about what anyone thinks about how odd of a pair they seem to be.

In the moment, she realizes he had wrecked her plans. She wanted to use him to gain Daniel’s affection, but he’s surprised her once again and he’s her man -  at least for the night. Ella had learned one important thing – Grayson is full of surprises and she wouldn’t mind discovering every inch of his complicated mind.

Without a warning, she leans down – stealing the few inches of distance between them. Her lips press against Grayson’s who freezes with the action. His facial features are heaven to Ella’s heart and soul, but she could be so happily mesmerized by those lips for all the days heaven grants her to come.

No longer stunned, Grayson’s dry lips join Ella’s in the public display of affection he certainly didn’t expect. In that moment of the kiss their chemistry becomes an ever-bright flame no one could deny, not even Ella.

And a sobering thought reminded her this might be just another kiss for Grayson. He may be handsome and charming, but there is a reason he’s also known as a manwhore and that thought makes her dread the future she could have with him. No matter how hard she tries, all she can see is heartbreak and he’d be fine – she would be the one to suffer, grieving for the living. He’s put roots in her heart and yet she can’t allow for them to grow.

Breaking the kiss, she draws a shuddered breath as her eyes remain closed for a moment longer. She just wants to remember it – the way he had made her feel like she’s whole, at home. It’s always going to be their first kiss, and if Ella had anything to do with it, it would be their last as well.

“Go”, she opens her eyes only to be met with his lopsided grin and a new kind of glow to his beautiful eyes. He looks blissful.

“Come with me”, his voice is hoarse, desperately holding onto her. But the moment’s passed, he can’t keep her a prisoner in his embrace forever. Grayson puts her down, his hands moving from her hips to her hands, barely holding on by their fingertips.

“You have a whole team waiting on you, a bunch of reporters and I know there are scouts who would love to talk to you. I’ll see you in the morning for our tutoring session if you don’t oversleep.” She chuckles, trying to hide how shaky she feels on the inside. Somehow, telling him to go felt deeper than that and she could see Grayson pick up on that too.

His forehead wrinkles, his eyebrows furrowing as he steps closer and she finds herself breathless. Wasn’t he close enough?

“You’re more important. Say the word and we can go anywhere you want.”

She could hear him clearly, feel the earnest tone of his voice in her bones. He seems to care about her but that promises nothing. Grayson is dangerous in the kind of way that would leave her desolate and wounded for years to come. Daniel is the safer option. The jealousy he displayed was enough to confirm her suspicions of him liking her back and she had to choose the lesser evil.

“Be by our tree in the morning and don’t leave me waiting too long, okay?” She smiles, trying to reassure him and yet his heart aches.

“I won’t drink. I’ll be there.” Grayson places a kiss on her forehead, a long lasting kind of a kiss that somehow felt more intimate than the one they shared minutes ago.

“Stay safe”, she steps back and as their hands part at the fingertips, Grayson swallows thickly. A part of him screamed at him to stay, but the other part could see Ella needed to be alone. He needed to respect her desire for space even if it hurts him.

--

Grayson honored his promise not to drink even a single drop of alcohol, despite peer pressure. He had decided that while Ella may have wanted to go home earlier, it didn’t mean he couldn’t come by and wish her a good night. Truth be told, he’d have traded the night for a moment with her, but he couldn’t destroy a life that isn’t his – not really.

He did manage to secure a few tryouts and summer program offers for himself, but when the talks were over, Grayson hit the showers and headed straight to Ella’s dorm room. 

He had one simple thought in mind – he’d admit he likes her and take her reaction for what it is. She may care for him or she may not, regardless of the outcome Grayson refused to cower and hide his feelings.

Maybe that’s why it shattered him so when he had seen her lip-locked with someone else. 

Lips parting, he felt himself sway as the gravity of the moment tore into him. She had taken his heart and she broke it apart, shredded the last bit of sanity he clung to. It feels like death, just the same as bereavement and in this quiet moment as he’s unable to avert his gaze it chokes the breath from his body and short circuits his mind. What was once whole is shattered; where once was peace now there is emptiness, echoes of a love he put his everything into.

Stumbling back, clutching his chest, Grayson walked back to his room. He can hardly remember how he got there, but he knew that he never missed his old life more. 

Ella was right, she’d never fall in love with a jock. She’d never fall in love with him in this life. 

While she was always in his head, even when he was scared to death to admit to it, Grayson seemed to be an afterthought in her head. 

He’s no longer afraid to admit the one truth he never told anyone – Grayson Dolan is wholeheartedly in love with Marizella Coleman, hopelessly hers in every universe he finds himself in.

There isn’t anything left to cling to, yet he can’t help but whisper her name under his breath – over and over, Grayson repeats her name like a lullaby until he finally falls asleep. 

--

“What exactly does this mean?” Ella traced a moon tattoo on Grayson’s chest, her interest piqued. It took five months for her and Grayson to get intimate, two more before she broke out of her shell and truly embraced that Grayson is hers. 

When she first met him, Grayson was lost. His priorities were all over the place, his mental health at an all time low and his bed was occupied by a different girl each night. 

It bothered her how careless he was with his mind and body, even more so by the fact that she wanted to give him her heart. But she bore witness to his ability to break hearts and she didn’t want to be another one in the line. 

If she was honest with herself, Grayson didn’t even know she existed. Not until he nearly knocked her out on the beach while chasing a ball. She knew him before he ever knew her and that made her careful, paranoid in a sense. If all those beautiful women couldn’t make him stay, how would she, an average girl next door, ever keep his interest long enough for him to see that she’s perfect for him?

“Nothing, it’s just pretty.” Grayson murmurs, wishing he could just wrap her up in his arms and forget about the world for the day. 

“You don’t get a tattoo because it’s pretty, Grayson”, Ella’s croaky morning voice forced his eyes open and a smile to form on his lips. He truly loves the sound of her voice more than the bird’s song.

“It’s my aesthetic”, Grayson’s cheeky smile makes her roll her eyes.

“Well then, I really shouldn’t show you the tattoo of my first boyfriend’s name then, should I?” She shrugged, turning away from Grayson who sat up quickly, his eyes wide and body rigid.

“I’D HAVE SEEN IT BY NOW”, Grayson exclaims, his voice penetratingly loud so much so Ella could hear Ethan grumble from his bedroom.

“It’s not easily noticeable”, Ella chuckles as Grayson’s jaw clicks, “But it’s my aesthetic, so it’s nothing. Maybe we can name our first born like that so it doesn’t go to waste”, she glances at Grayson with a coy look in her eyes, finding him heaving and ready to throw hands.

“Over my dead body”, Grayson growls, pulling her back to him as she yelps. Her laugh drowns out her scream as Grayson pins her down to the mattress beneath him, his hands firmly holding her by the wrists.

“Whatchu’ gonna do, big boy?” She teases him as he cocks an eyebrow, pursing his lips.

“I’ll make sure you scream my name so many times that no one ever comes to your mind again.”

--

Ella didn’t have any tattoos, but Grayson sure had fun finding out on his own. That was the first time she was no longer timid around him and he absolutely loved her teasing. Grayson didn’t enjoy remembering his Ella as much as he used to. Every memory brought him pain now that she was gone; that both of them were gone.

Avoiding Ella had become second nature and it wasn’t as difficult as he thought it would be. 

Waking up earlier to get to practice first, leaving last had given him no time to ponder on his broken heart. He’d arrive last and leave first during classes, avoiding the tree he had met her by twice so far. She did text him, leave a few voice messages as well, but Grayson didn’t bother checking what they said. 

Why torture himself further?

However, he forgot one simple fact about Ella that seems to be universal – she’s stubborn and that stubbornness had led to him finding her asleep with a book open on her chest right before his bedroom doors.

“Jesus”, he whispers under his breath, dragging his right hand across his face before resting his hands on his hips. Licking his lips, Grayson lets out a heavy sigh, unsure what to do. He can’t be around her anymore, not when he had a taste of happiness and lost it. 

He held tightly to her because she’s Ella – because her soul speaks to his, because even in the darkest nights she would be his compass. But this Ella isn’t his Ella, she’s never going to be his Ella and he hoped he’d somehow convince himself she is. 

Truth be told, he didn’t know what he was thinking when he got involved with her. She had no recollection of their time together in his universe, she had no obligation to care about him and his feelings. She barely knows him and what she knows is scarcely him and mostly the Grayson that belongs in this universe. 

Reluctantly, Grayson taps her shoulder. She flinches, the book falling with a thud as her wide eyes fix on his figure and that’s when they narrow and set aflame.

“Where the hell have you been?!” She stands abruptly, pointing the tip of her index finger at his chest, “I’ve been trying to reach you for a week!” Poking his chest, her nostrils flare, “I thought you were lying dead in a ditch somewhere!”

Wrapping his hand around her index finger, Grayson encases her entire hand along with it. “I’m sorry, I needed time.”

“Time? Time for what?” She frowns, the horizontal line between her eyebrows forming. 

“To make my peace with you and Kenny”, he sighs. He watches her face change from a frown to disbelief and when she rolls her eyes, he knows she’s annoyed with him.

“It’s Danny and he’s not my anything.” Placing her free hand on his cheek, she cocks her head to the left ever so slightly, “He’s not even a friend anymore. I don’t give a shit about him.”

“So why was he kissing you on game night?” Grayson counters, lips pressed in a thin line while hers part.

“Were you stalking me?”

Shaking his head, Grayson releases her hand while dragging the other one away from his face. 

“No. I wanted to see you and I did. With him.” Clenching his jaw, Grayson felt a wave of jealousy wash over him and it didn’t help that Ella had chuckled dryly.

“He kissed me and I was shocked but I pushed him away. And I told him I’m taken.” Licking her lips, she averts her gaze to the thread hanging from his sleeve. “By you”, she continues, “I told him you’re the one and I went inside and went to sleep.”

“You chose me?” Grayson releases a shaky breath, unsure what to do. “You can’t choose me, Ella.”

Furrowing her eyebrows, she steps back, “Oh! You don’t like me?” She swallows thickly, folding her arms across her chest. In all the scenarios she had made up in her head, him not liking her back was never one of them. It mortified her how silly she must look to him.

“No, no, I do!” Grayson stops her before she spirals, cupping her cheeks gently, “I like you, if I’m being completely honest, but I’m not…” Closing his eyes, Grayson smiles in disbelief over what he’s about to say, “You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I have to be honest.”

“You’re scaring me”, she says softly, her voice shaky. 

“If I told you I’m Grayson from an alternative universe and that we’re a couple in that universe, would you believe me?” 

Her breathing becomes softer, the pensive look melting into a smile as soft as the morning light. “Okay, that’s cute, but I don’t think it’s time for jokes.”

“You started writing a book when you were sixteen and you never told anyone.” Grayson states and she stumbles back, eyes wide. She had never spoken aloud of her book, never once. That book remains in a locked folder on her old laptop, not even she had laid her eyes on it in two years. She gave up on it completely. 

“How?”

“You absolutely adore the ocean and believe you were a mermaid in a previous life.” Grayson continues as Ella pales.

“You’ve always hated coffee, but if you have to drink it you add half a cup of milk and four sugar cubes.”

Shaking her head, she runs her hands through her hair, unable to comprehend what Grayson is saying.

“You’ve always been terrified of the dark, so you sleep with a pink turtle nightlight you’ve had since you were ten. You have a beauty mark between your breasts you absolutely hate and are insecure about, but I find it sexy as hell.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THAT?” Ella shouts in panic, her breathing labored. 

“Because I know you. From a different universe, but it’s you. And I love you. With all my heart and I know this is crazy, but I woke up here and everything changed overnight.” Slumping to the ground, Grayson hides his face in his hands. “And I fucking miss her. I miss my Ella so, so much and I have never been worthy of her, but she loves me anyway and I’m here.”

A hand on his shoulder makes his heart skip a beat, bearing her weight as she uses him to slide to the ground next to him. 

“What is she like?” Ella’s shaky hand slides down his arm, slipping into his hand. She’s quiet, defeated by the news, in shock if she’s entirely honest. It’s way too much all at once and she never thought it could be possible she’d like Grayson Dolan so much it hurt to imagine him with anyone, even if that someone is herself.

“She sold that book and is writing a second book while studying. And she’s kind, witty and shy but incredibly outgoing with people she’s comfortable with.” Grayson doesn’t even notice the smile on his face as he speaks of his Ella, but this Ella does. She’s jealous of her alternative self for having a guy like Grayson smile as he mentions her. She hates her other self for being brave enough to publish the book and live her dreams...well, old dreams. She’s not dreaming about being a writer anymore.

“I love her, but I was afraid to tell her that. I was afraid of fully committing myself to her.” Grayson admits, unsure what good it does him now.

“When did you wake up here?” She interrupts him, wanting to know what was him and what wasn’t. Has it always been this Grayson? Did she spend all this time falling in love with the wrong guy?

“Woke up with a killer headache after some frat party. Think it was that party when he gave you the jersey.” Grayson glances at her, noticing a small smile upon her lips.

“So it was him then”, she sighs. Leaning her head on the door, she closes her eyes. “But all of this was you.”

“Yeah.” Grayson intertwines their fingers, seeking comfort. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be”, Ella shrugs, “That Grayson wouldn’t have bothered with me.”

“That Grayson is a manwhoring mess.” Grayson chuckles, “But I was the same before I met my Ella. Maybe he just needs a nudge in the right direction.”

“Is it bad if I wish you to stay here?” Ella’s voice is quiet and wobbly, just above a whisper and it catches Grayson off guard.

“Is it bad if I say I fell in love with you just as I fell for my Ella?” Grayson counters and she lets out a breathless chuckle.

“It’s not bad, I mean I’m still Ella. Just on a different path in life.” Shrugging, she leans her head on Grayson’s shoulder, “Maybe that Grayson is you on a different path too? Maybe he doesn’t need an Ella of his own?”

Wrapping an arm around Ella, Grayson brings her closer to him, “Every Grayson needs an Ella.”

And in the silence, they found the comfort they both seek. It’s not right, but it felt perfect.

“You two are gloomy.” Ethan states, scaring them both. They were perfectly content staring at nothing in particular, just sitting there with the inner struggle wrecking them apart.

“You should wear a bell”, Grayson remarks and Ethan rolls his eyes.

“When you say shit like that, I genuinely can’t tell the difference”, Ethan steps aside, trying to get to the door.

“Does he know?” Ella asks and Grayson nods.

“Yeah, he’s the only one who knew.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, Ethan glares at Grayson, “So you told her?”

“Yup”, Ella exclaims.

“Great!” Ethan opens the door, letting the pair fall on their backs with a string of curses from Grayson’s mouth and a small yelp from Ella’s. 

Grayson barely got up to his feet, helping Ella up as well when Ethan screamed, “KRISTINA FOLLOWED ME BACK!”

--

Laying on the bed with Grayson beside her, Ella wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Part of her thought she’s insane for believing him so quickly, yet another part of her knew with absolute certainty that no one couldn’t know the details he mentioned a few weeks ago and that if he knew them, the other version of her must have truly loved him to spill the beans.

Ever since then, they’ve been inseparable. Ella knew it was unwise to spend so much time with Grayson, to get involved more than she already has. One day, she’d wake up next to the other Grayson and she’d be left alone. It would be over before it started and she didn’t know how to accept the fact he’s never going to be hers. Not really.

“What are you thinking about?” Grayson breaks the silence, noticing she’s deep in thought.

“About the day I wake up to the other you.” She admits and Grayson frowns, propping himself up on his elbows. He’s never going to get used to how straightforward this Ella is. He both loves and fears that about her.

“You think it’s gonna happen?”

Nodding, she sighs, “I just feel it. It’s unexplainable.”

Swallowing thickly, Grayson licks his lips, “If it does, don’t give up on me.” 

Grayson’s eyes flicker to her lips only to pull away before he dares to even think about it further. They may be spending all of this time together and sleep in the same bed most nights, but they’ve never once kissed since the night of the game. Ella said she wanted to give her other self some much deserved respect and not cheat though she wasn’t sure if it qualified as cheating either.

“You? That won’t be you, Gray.” Ella rubs her nose, sniffling. “He won’t be you, just like I’ll never be Ella for you. Which sucks.” Tears brim her long eyelashes, tugging at Grayson’s heartstrings.

“You are Ella. Even though you’re a little braver and confident, you’re her and she is you.” Grayson tries, but Ella shakes her head.

“No. That’s not true! I don’t have her memories or experiences and that’s what shapes a person. That Grayson won’t be you and truth be told, I’m not sure if I want him at all.” Sitting up, she hides her face in her hands.

 “I’m not braver either, I’m just rougher around the edges. I could never publish that book like she did or move to Los Angeles and date a famous YouTuber.” Breathing fast, Ella felt like her head would explode.

“Hey, hey, hey”, Grayson says softly, his hands running up and down her back in hopes of soothing her. “Ells, what’s wrong?”

“Everything!” She exclaims, “I want you and I can’t have you! I can’t be with you when you’re already mine but in a different world and even if I ignore that, I can’t ignore the fact that sometime, even ten years down the line I could wake up to the other Grayson instead of you and it’s making me crazy!”

Wrapping his arms around Ella, Grayson held her close as she wept long into the night and he had never quite understood all the stories of the way your entire being hurts when your heart is broken and his heart is fucking shattered.

He’s holding the reason for his existence in his arms and he can’t ease her pain because he’s the cause of it. He wants to love her and she wants to love him back, but they can’t and Ella is right – even if he ignored the fact he’s not from her universe and went for it, there was no telling how long he’d be there.

In a spiritual life, much like the physical, there is an inhale and an exhale; the soul needs to inhale the feelings of another soul in order to claim them, to enrich them before returning it in an exhale. Without this, there is no life for the heart, without it, the heart is suffocating, suffering, withering.

And that’s exactly how Grayson and Ella feel right now – suffocating, suffering, withering.

As her breathing evens out and Grayson realizes she’s fallen asleep despite the occasional sob she lets out in her sleep, he looks up at the ceiling and sighs heavily as if the world’s weight is crushing him.

“Please make this right. For her sake. I don’t even care what happens to me, just make Ella happy again. Please.”

And when Grayson closed his eyes, he never imagined it would be the last night he spends in her bed.

--

With closed eyes, Grayson reached out for Ella. He didn’t remember when she slipped out of his arms in the night, but he wouldn’t consciously keep it that way. Having her close felt like a lifeline for Grayson, even if they were trying to keep it platonic. Too often did he consider just moving on with her, pretending as if his life is in a universe made not for him.

He wanted to stay and help Ethan get with Kristina, to help his sister start her own design company if she was still interested in that field or to simply go home and see his family. He wondered far too often how they were, but he never dared to ask Ethan about it. It’s a sore subject for Grayson, even now. He imagined it was the same for Ethan.

“Ella?” He grumbles, squinting to find her when his arm fails. Furrowing his eyebrows, he looks at the much larger bed he’s on with a concerned look upon his face. “What the –“, he starts only to recognize the bed-sheets Ella spent three days making a pro/con list for. “Oh God”, Grayson jumps to his feet, looking around wildly.

The lamp next to his bed is replaced by an old alarm clock, his windows are covered with drapes he doesn’t remember having and the floor is covered in clothes Grayson never saw in his life. Looking down, he finds his thighs are covered in tattoos and a choked sob escapes him.

He’s not sure if he’s happy or not about the possibility of being in his own universe again. There is still a chance he’s in a new universe altogether, but even if he’s back home, what exactly is he coming home to? What exactly did he leave behind?

That Ella must have had a shock of a lifetime when she woke up to the manwhore version of himself and he wished he could apologize to her for it, but he’ll never get to see her or talk to her again.

And then he remembered, “Ella”, he breathed out as he ran to the door. He’s not sure if she’s even there, if she even stayed after the switch brought his worst self to her bed and he realized his Ella had woken up to that Grayson too.

Heart in his throat, Grayson stumbles as he heads to the kitchen where he hears movement. He isn’t sure what is waiting for him here, but when he sees the messy bun he always loved to untangle and the back of her neck that he loved to kiss, Grayson felt his heart stop.

Swallowing thickly, he stood there, frozen at the sight of her. She’s so close that he could have her in his arms in a few steps, but would she forgive him if he told her he kissed the other Ella? Would she forgive him if he told her he had started liking the life he had in that universe?

Wetting his lips, he lets his heart guide him as his feet take him closer and once he’s there, his arms wrap around her on instinct. His head rests on her shoulder and he can feel her tense up, but he’s barely holding back tears as he inhales her familiar scent.

Grayson missed Ella in every possible way. His soul yearned for hers and being back in her presence had made him crumble.

“What are you doing?” She groans, trying to unwrap his arms from around her waist. “I told you I will never sleep with you!” She raises her voice as she slaps at his hands and Grayson finally snaps out of it, releasing her.

She whips around, eyes narrowed at Grayson who furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Pointing the tip of her index finger at his chest, Ella’s nostrils flare, “You have to stop this! I’m not a toy you can play with whenever you feel like it. I’m in pain!” She exclaims, pausing as she averts her gaze and her hand drops, “Do you even know what seeing you feels for me?” She sniffles as tears fill her eyes. “You’re wearing his face and body, but you’re too different. You’ve become better, you’ve done the work, but I love him. I can’t just forget about that.”

Drawing in a deep breath, Grayson felt his heart break further. It never occurred to him how hard this might have been for his Ella. She was stuck with the manwhore who would have broken her heart and he did. It was a relief she knew it wasn’t him, at least. His Ella knew better than the other Ella.

“And I love you”, Grayson manages a smile, “I’m sorry it took me this long to tell you.”

“What?” Ella crosses her arms, looking at him as if he’s offended her.

“It’s me, Ella. I’m back.” Grayson tries reaching out for her hand only to have her shake her head and move away. She’s physically revolted by his presence while he’s aching for a smile from her pressed lips.

“You’ve tried this before. I’m not going to fall for your shitty tricks”, Ella heaves, a hand placed on her chest as her tears spill over.

“He tried this?!” Grayson practically growls, slamming his fist on the countertop. “Did he touch you?” Grayson’s jaw clenches as he looks to a shaky Ella who isn’t sure what to say or believe anymore. It’s like she’s drowning with no help in sight.

“Please stop”, she croaks, “I thought you and I were friends now.”

Chuckling dryly, Grayson shakes his head, “Your pet fish was called Goldie because she was gold. Your turtle Rocky bit her tail off and she died.” Stepping closer, he points at her chest, “You have a birthmark right between your breasts.” Pursing his lips, he wonders what else he could tell her. Her eyes are wide, glistening with tears, but he has to let her know it’s him. “When we first met you called me and Ethan snotty teenagers. You hate my decorating skills and you hate my snoring.”

“Grayson?” Her voice is shaky as she steps closer, reaching her trembling hand out. Her palm finds its way to his cheek and Grayson leans into it with a soft sigh. “You came back to me?”

Taking her face in his hands, he rests his forehead on hers, “I did.”

“It’s been so hard”, she whispers and he closes his eyes.

“You were right, you know?” Grayson’s nose brushes hers, “You wouldn’t like the jock Grayson. But I really liked college Ella.” 

Grayson often debated if he should be honest with Ella if he somehow made his way back home and despite his doubts, he remembers their relationship is founded on honesty. He promised her he’d always tell her the truth and he couldn’t look her in the eye and ignore the fact he had felt a little heartbroken about the Ella he left behind.

“You met me?” She steps back, wanting to look at him better.

“I’ll always find you”, Grayson smiles.

“You fell for her, didn’t you?” Ella steps back, hurt flashing behind her brown eyes.

“I did fall for her”, Grayson admits, “But I love you.”

Staring at Grayson, Ella didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to feel either. Would she be right to hold it against him? After all, it was still her. Grayson loved her, in every universe. So why does it feel like he had cheated on her? Why does her heart bleed?

“Did you touch her like you touch me?”

Breaking eye contact, Grayson leans on the countertops, “I kissed her once.”

“Once”, Ella chuckles dryly. “I almost had sex with the other you, but at least I didn’t know the truth. You knew the girl you were kissing wasn’t really me. She’s someone I will never be and she will never be me.”

“Please don’t hate me”, Grayson croaks as tears form in his eyes. He’s not ready to lose her, but he’s not ready to keep her with him by lying. She deserves better and he knows that.

“I don’t hate you, Grayson”, she lets out a shuddered breath, “I wish I did. It would be easier.”

“Easier?” Grayson’s eyebrows furrow when she takes her bag and puts it over her shoulder.

“I need some time and I need you not to look for me.” It was killing her to do this, to take a step back from their relationship. Ella needed some perspective, to find a way to breathe again and being close to Grayson always felt like she was trying to keep her head above the crashing waves.

“Ella”, Grayson reaches for her but she recoils from him, again. She had done it once when she thought it was his other self, but she knew this was him. She still didn’t want him.

“I have never asked anything from you, but I need this.” Ella covers her mouth to stop a sob from passing her lips as she turns from Grayson and heads for the door only to run into Ethan and Kristina.

Kristina is quick to wrap her arms around Ella, both of them leaving through the front door.

But Ethan wasn’t leaving. He turned to Grayson with a stone cold look in his eyes and headed for him with a formed fist prepared to leave a mark.

“What did you do?!” Ethan shouted, ready to lay Grayson out in a single punch.

Raising his hands in mock surrender, Grayson circles the countertops so he’d be on a different side from Ethan who wanted blood.

“Whoa! It’s me, E! It’s Grayson! I’m back!” Grayson insisted as he ran in circles with Ethan, “YOUR FIRST TIME WAS WHEN YOU WERE 17!” He shouts and Ethan stops, eyes wide. “You also drank a beer when you were 16, but you’d never admit it. You hated onions as a kid!”

“Grayson?”

--

“How cool was the other me?” Ethan smirks as Grayson rolls his eyes, unsure if he should be annoyed or angry at his brother for not doing a better job at protecting Ella from the other Grayson who had clearly left her broken with issues he didn’t know how to resolve.

“You were single as fuck and a nerd”, Grayson sighs, “Kristina wasn’t even an acquaintance and the car you drove was more like a trash can running on fumes.”

Staring blankly, Ethan swallows thickly, “I don’t like that universe.”

“I liked it”, Grayson covers his face with his hands, his voice filled with remorse. “I didn’t know my life here was imploding while I was living the life I genuinely prefer over this one.”

“You’re saying college football was better than this house?” Ethan raises an eyebrow, “The money we have, the world we’ve seen, people we’ve met?”

Nodding, Grayson drags his palms down his face, “It was so much better.”

“Well, good for you. Meanwhile Kristina and I were dealing with a manwhore baby Grayson with no impulse control who was a pathological liar and manipulator.” Flicking a crumb from the countertop onto Grayson, Ethan continues, “Ella cried herself to sleep every night and we didn’t know what the fuck is happening.”

“She said she almost slept with him”, Grayson gulps audibly, unsure if he’s feeling guilty over the position that put her in, angry she’s angry at him when she nearly did something worse or jealous over the fact she had been touched by what seems to be the demonic version of him.

“You literally admitted to kissing the other Ella, I hardly think you have any room to judge anything she did Grayson.” Ethan’s tone is cold, his words harsh but truthful. Grayson has no right to be angry or jealous, he was a willing participant while his Ella was tricked.

“I can’t explain it”, Grayson runs his fingers through his hair, moving it away from his forehead. Truth be told, he got used to the short hair from the other universe, he couldn’t wait to cut it again. “She was still Ella. They had their differences, but she was still Ella and the more time I spent with her, less I wanted to be away from her.”

“Look, this is uncharted territory. We can’t exactly define any rules in a situation that had no rules, so just give her a moment to deal with this on her own terms.” Ethan places his hand on Grayson’s shoulder, hoping to comfort his brother but even he was having issues looking at him normally after everything the other Grayson did.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Grayson frowns, lips parted as Ethan’s eyes widen.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m about to fuck something up”, Grayson’s frown deepens as Ethan presses his lips together, genuinely having flashbacks to the insanity of manwhore Grayson and the stress he caused.

“I’m just waiting for you to start complaining about the tattoos or fake gag at vegan food or order a bunch of fried chicken or maybe scream about a game you’re missing.” Ethan rambles on as Grayson cackles, shaking his head.

“Man, I’m a dick!”

“Oh, no, the dick part was you hitting on Ella and then winking at every cute girl in your way.” Ethan raises both eyebrows as he shrugs, “I did smack you every time I could tho’, Kris did too.”

“Good”, Grayson exhales through his nose, his lips pressed as his eyes fall to his hands. “I really didn’t want to hurt her. Either Ella”, Grayson’s voice is meek, defeated and the empty look in his eyes speaks volumes of the weight that’s been forced upon his heart.

“I know”, Ethan manages a smile, “You’ll get her back.”

“Think so?” Grayson raises his eyebrows, an inkling of hope lingering deep behind his brown hues.

Ethan’s smile widens in an instant, “Know so.”

--

In this broken world Ella is Grayson’s world, his healer, his light and love, good women are that way. He missed her, more and more as each day passed and while it seemed like the world was spinning madly on, Grayson’s life felt like it stopped the day she walked out the door.

Kristina came back hours later, but Ella didn’t. What made it worse is that whatever Ella shared with Kristina had turned her against Grayson as well. She didn’t want to speak to him, much less to convey his messages to Ella and Grayson was sure they were in contact.

This heartbreak was unexpected, as they always are - top of the world one minute and cut down the next. Grayson expected to be blissful if he ever found his way back, but he only found misery. He could only blame himself for having broken not one, but three hearts the night he made his way back home.

Oftentimes, Grayson wondered what happened with the other Grayson and Ella when they woke up together, sharing a single bed. Did he once again try to lie and manipulate Ella or was he decent enough to tell her the truth.

Grayson feared he didn’t. He could only hope he was better with her, for her. Ella deserved that much and he believed she was more compatible with manwhore Grayson anyway. If anyone can whip him back into shape it would be her.

And his Ella, his beautiful, kind Ella…He thought about her all the time. What is she up to? Where is she? Is she as lonely as he is?

He failed her, both of them. He failed himself too.

Hearing Ethan talk about the constant stress the other Grayson put on her, their fights, her refusal to walk away because she hoped it would get better. She didn’t give up on him then, even though he was his worst self, but she walked away when she heard he had made a conscious decision to kiss someone else. 

He betrayed her trust and despite feeling guilty, he couldn’t regret it. Meeting her in a different universe only convinced him she’s his soulmate more. He couldn’t imagine life without her, in any reality.

And as a month passed, Grayson found it impossible to sleep in the bed he once shared with Ella. He preferred to sleep on the couch, even if his back felt broken in the morning. The pain was comforting compared to the loneliness the bed evoked. It was better off this way. He hated himself in that bed, he blamed himself every night and morning.

Closing his eyes, Grayson felt a tear roll down his temple. If he’s entirely honest, he’s not sure if he’s just too fucked up to ever love anyone like he loves Ella. He swallows thickly as his heart clenches in pain as his senses trick him into believing she’s with him.

For a moment, he could have sworn he smelled her perfume, the one he was absolutely smitten with. She wore it when they first met, she wore it when they first kissed and she wore it when they first became one. That perfume signifies all their firsts, all the good memories and even the fights he remembers carry a nostalgic happiness to them. Fighting is better than the silence she left him in. If she’s fighting, she cares but when she stops, that’s when crippling fear takes place and Grayson’s been consumed by that fear for too long.

A weight falls on him, a warmth engulfing him. The scent is stronger now, almost like she’s still there with him and in a moment of weakness, Grayson’s lips pass a strangled sob from deep within twenty one grams of soul and the sanity he once possessed.

“Don’t cry”, a raspy voice fills the silence and Grayson’s heart nearly stops. He’s hallucinating now, clearly he’s lost his mind. “If you cry, I cry”, the voice returns as a whisper and Grayson’s not sure if it’s all a dream.

Opening his eyes, he gasps once he sees Ella’s head resting on his chest. She’s laid upon him like a safety blanket, a tad too short to truly cover him but effective in its intent.

“You’re here”, Grayson breathes out and her head moves up so her eyes meet his.

“I couldn’t trust you, I didn’t even trust myself that day. I didn’t dare let you near me scared that I’ll lose you the same, but I can’t let that fear dictate my life and I can’t bear the pain of staying away.”

Running his hand down her back, Grayson pulls her up ever so slightly so he could easily kiss her lips if she allowed him to. He wanted to be able to see every change in her eyes, every line of her face.

“I love you”, he stops her from speaking, finding her apologies unnecessary. She had enough of heartbreak for both of them when he disappeared.

“Don’t let me run again”, her voice breaks and Grayson notices the tears pricking at her eyes, “I know I asked you to let me go, but don’t. I got mad and insecure, but I love you. So don’t ever let me leave again.”

Brushing the tip of his nose against hers, Grayson’s lips curl at the corners, “Never.”

“Do you want to tell me how awesome the other me was?” She raises her eyebrows expectantly as Gray gives her a slight shake of his head.

“Well, you were crushing on some dick Dougie”, Grayson starts and her eyebrows furrow in confusion before her mouth opens wide.

“You mean Danny?!”

The excited tone instantly put a frown on Grayson’s face, making Ella chuckle.

“He was my first ever boyfriend back home!” She continues, further aggravating Grayson who could no longer hold back. He told himself he’d be more patient, but it’s a work in progress and he needed her to stop talking, so he did the most natural thing he could think of.

He kissed her.

Before she could withdraw, his arms were around her. He bent back her head across his arm and kissed her, softly at first, and then with a swift gradation of intensity that made her cling to him as the only solid thing in a dizzy swaying world. His insistent mouth was parting her shaking lips, sending wild tremors along her nerves, evoking from her sensations she had never known she was capable of feeling. And before a swimming giddiness spun her round and round, she knew that she was kissing him back.

It’s like opening up your soul to tasting, feeling and seeing every color of the rainbow in their own sensual way. For Ella it felt almost like catching Grayson’s smile in a bottle, its softness, its sweetness, the slight arrogance that provoked a reaction of her insatiable need for his touch. Kissing Grayson felt just like breathing oxygen she needs to keep her heart beating. His kisses warm the soul. His kisses are right. He is right; for her, with her, he’s the part of her she can’t imagine her future without.

“Never mention Doyle when you’re in my arms”, Grayson whispers against her lips, “Don’t mention Dairy, ever again”, Grayson adds while she giggles, amused by his absolute refusal to say the name right. “That would have been an awful tattoo”, he adds as she chuckles.

“If this is my punishment, I might be inclined to break that rule”, she winks, “Often”.

For a moment, Grayson stopped and stared. She didn’t seem shy or less brave than the other Ella at all. She felt brazen, unapologetically her and Grayson realized for once and all, his Ella, as complicated as she may be, is absolute perfection.

“Then it’s a good thing I’m a man of my words, isn’t it?” Grayson’s smirk is gone once his lips claim Ella’s again and she releases a satisfied moan in response. It was the kind of kiss that was so intoxicating your brain couldn’t handle thinking about anything else.

“I love you”, Grayson whispers against her lips, “I love you”, he repeats. “I love you, I love you, I love you”, he peppers her face and neck with feather light kisses, repeating his ‘I love you’ over and over like a prayer that was finally answered.

No matter what was in store for them, Grayson believed they would find their way back to each other. After all, they’re meant to be and for once, he didn’t doubt that saying. 

People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

[moved-justabakusimp]

Shigaraki x F!Reader - Silk

(request for boku-no-iron (you_stole_my_crush) (ao3)

Prompt: “Hi! Can I please have some soft(but not a lot) Shiggyxf!reader? I keep thinking of this idea where they can never really get intimate because he’s scared of turning them into dust and always end up upset because he feels like he can’t give them all a relationship ‘supposedly’ should. So like, maybe the reader just proposes tying his wrists so he can’t use his hands or something? All consensual and nice and yay. Maybe? Pretty, please?Thanks!”

Tags: Bondage (Shiggy receiving), riding, sex guru Dabi strikes again

Word length: 1 624

Ao3: HERE - crossposted, you can find other works there

You paid no attention to the movie, instead choosing to focus on your boyfriend sitting next to you. Tomura had put away all his hands but his face was still covered by his pale blue hair. Suppressing the urge to tuck the stray hair behind his ear, you opt to rest your head on his shoulder, shifting closer to him.

Shigaraki tensed for a moment, before his guard went down with a soft exhale. Looking down at you, snuggled to his side, a small smile appeared on his scarred lips. Reaching behind you to put an arm around your shoulders, his breath and movement stop. The tension had settled back, down to his bones, and his face had stained with a grimace.

He was so close to feeling your skin, brushing circles on it. There were little things that he wanted more (besides his personal goals as the villain leader) and being denied it because of his own power left a bitter taste in his mouth. Clicking tongue, he settles his arm on the sofa backrest and turns his gaze to the screen, completely ignoring it.

It wasn’t the first time this had happened, no. You both have already lost count how many times his fingers were close enough to almost caress your skin, and how many times Tomura’s hands reached back, wrapped in a fist, nails digging into his skin. You longed for the touch and even tried semi-cropped gloves at the beginning of your relationship, but it was making his skin uncomfortable, while also putting him on edge. He didn’t like anything restricting the usage of his quirk, even if at the moment, decay was the last thing on his mind.

You noticed the tension radiating from him and suggested a solution of your own: “How about I tie you up?”

Tomura’s breath hitched, yet he managed to stutter out a response, mind blank. “What?”

After a while, you found yourselves in the bedroom, Shigaraki sitting on the bed, biting his lips, rubbing the silk between his fingers. He agreed during your short discussion, pros outweighing cons. Expecting that being tied up would feel different than wearing gloves, he went to Dabi for anything they could use, resulting in the silken rope in his hands.

You hadn’t been planning this for long, the thought came to you when you talked to Dabi and your conversation once again stirred into lewd topics. Letting it sit in your head, you wondered if you were one to tie someone else down, but the simple image of touching Tomura without worry on his side convinced you. You were doing this more for him than for you. Trusting him completely, it was him, who truly feared hurting you. Then, getting the rope itself was not a problem, as you were on good grounds with Dabi, and he was not one to shy away from sex talk and toys.

Sitting on Tomura’s lap, moving his hands away, you kiss him, freeing him from his doubts. Instead of touching you, his palms grab the sheets, gripping them like he wanted to grip your hips to rub your body against his.

His mouth opens, letting your tongue in. One of your hands wander in his hair, the other holding his shoulder, feeling his muscles move under his touch. Moaning out when you feel his hips buck against you, you break the kiss.

“Ready?” You ask, making sure. Shigaraki nods in affirmation and lays down, head between pillows, and arms joined at the headboard. He was anticipating your touch, beaming on the inside that you won’t crumble under his touch, instead, feeling only pleasure which he could not give you before fully due to the fog of worries that had permanently settled in his brain.

You lean over him, legs at his sides, and wrap the silk around his wrists, attaching it to the headboard. Tomura gives it a tug, trying out how firm they are, and indeed, his movement is limited, but the knot was just loose enough so it wouldn’t be uncomfortable. His breathing quickens, and you rub his cheek in affection, soothing his nerves.

“We can stop anytime,” you whisper against his lips, giving them a soft peck, before moving lower to cover his neck is soft kisses.

Shigaraki nods, anxiety already lowering because he cannot hurt you like this. He still felt slight remorse that he was unable to touch you, but he would prefer your safety anytime. Licking his chapped lips, he looks at you, spread out over his body.

A small moan escapes him when your teeth leave a mark on his collarbone. Your hands push his shirt higher, revealing his chest. You caress the pale skin, rubbing soft circles to make Shigaraki more comfortable.

Your hips brush over his clothed member, and you connect your lips in a deep kiss, swallowing his soft moans. His tongue dances with yours while he pushes his crotch up, sending a small shock of pleasure up your spine. Tomura keeps bucking and you feel your panties getting wetter by his every move.

Wanting to get closer to him, you sit up and take off your shirt and bra at the same time. Tomura licks his lips and tugs at the rope, hands gripping it tightly, but still careful not to decay the silk. In need of feeling your skin on his, he nudges you with his knee and pushes his hips up to bring you closer.

Smiling, you lean over him, noses almost touching. Your breath tickles on his lips and he shifts up to drag you into a kiss. With a smirk, you evade, and go tease his neck instead. Leaving licks and bites in your trail, you end up at his collarbone, marking it with a bruise. You detach with a pop, lips puffed from sucking and kissing.

“Fuck, (Y/N),” Tomura whines, needing to be inside you soon. The jeans he was wearing did not help, his cock pushing on the fabric with every move.

Your clit pulsates, your panties almost soaked by now. You hurry up to get rid of the rest of your clothes, and do the same for your boyfriend. His length on display, you sit on his lap, gripping it and guiding it to your soaked entrance.

Teasing him, you put the tip inside, circling and sliding along it, watching Tomura bury his head into the pillows with a groan. Just this small sensation fogged his sight and mind. His hands pulling at the silk, he wanted nothing more than to decay the rope, grab you, and roam your skin freely as he pounds into you.

“More, baby,” he manages to breathe out, red eyes glued to yours. His hips would be pushing up if it weren’t for your tight hold on them, keeping them down.

Having enough of teasing and feeling empty, you slide down his cock. Moaning out as he slightly brushes against your sensitive spot, you start to move. He pushes inside you in a perfect rhythm, forcing a groan out of you with each stroke.

“That’s it, Player Two… that’s it…” Tomura moans out, watching you impale yourself on his length, breasts bouncing.

You hum and increase the speed, adjusting the angle slightly so he hits deeper now. You yelp when he strokes your spot perfectly and move to feel the spark of sensation again. Your thighs start to feel the strain and begin to ache.

Shifting to be chest on chest with Shigaraki, you grab him by his nape, fingers digging into the soft hair and bring your lips to his. He instantly gives you sloppy, open mouthed kisses, moaning and breathing into your mouth, mirroring your own state.

This new angle enables him to push further into you, his heels dug into the sheets, knees bent, and hips hovering over the bed, he rams into you with an almost animalistic need. You can’t do anything but take it, each thrust making you groan, and you whimper his name into his lips.

“T-Touch yourself for me, won’t you?” Tomura mumbles, voice deeper, stained with pleasure. Your hand moves down on command, circling your clit swiftly, pressuring it to send you over the edge.

Shigaraki takes in the sight of you, red faced with darkened eyes. His view ends soon when you place your head in the crook of his shoulder, biting down at the skin. The pain urges him to slam harder, teeth clenched in pleasure. His thighs start to strain, only making him to keep the momentum, thrusting into your pussy, revelling in the way you clenched around him. The heat embracing him with every push only dazzled him and he came with a loud groan, spilling into you.

His orgasm ended with a long, deep thrust, sending you over the edge. You collapse on top him, eyes rolled back, breathing heavily. Tomura is in the same state, mind clouded and sweat making him feel sticky.

You lie there for a while, catching air, and you caress his arms. Remembering that he is tied up, you hurry up to get rid of the silk.

“Was it okay?” you ask, biting your lip as you lie down next to one another, your head resting on his shoulder. He rubs his wrists, stained with small red bruises that would disappear within a day.

“Yeah… I didn’t mind it at all,” Shigaraki smiles at you and you sigh in relief. A spark resides in his eyes, one that you don’t get to see often. He kept on grinning, happy that he could now make love to you without worrying. The cost of restrained arms was but a little bump. One that he could live with easily.

[smutty-skyrim]

Vex || NSFW Alphabet

A = Aftercare

Vex is prone to meandering pillow talk. It'll always begin in a comfortable silence, where you lay lost in thought beside each other, but slowly her thoughts begin wandering from her lips. You get lost in intimate conversations about life, love, and little secrets you'd never tell another soul. She loves those moments when you're both so at ease - when your face shines with afterglow and honest smiles. She places soft kisses on your cheeks and neck as you mutter sweet nothings to each other.

If it was a rough session, she'll usually get you a warm bath. She washes the sweat from your skin, tender around any injuries. Her hands will roam over your body and take in every inch, paying extra attention to your breasts and the swell of your hips. Sometimes her hand will dip low and curious fingers will wander to your clit. She'll rub you to another climax - one less fraught with intensity, tender and patiently coaxed.

B = Body Part

Her favorite body part on herself is her breasts. They're perky and, in her opinion, cute. She loves having them played with and admired. Her nipples are remarkably sensitive.

She likes your ass. She loves the way it moves when you walk, accentuated by the leather of the Thieves Guild armor and the sway of your hips that drives her crazy. She likes grabbing hold of it while she laps at your sensitive clit, nails digging into your skin. While she's hesitant to eat your ass (something about it seems off-putting), if she tries it she'll find yet another way she enjoys your body.

C = Cum

It takes Vex a while to cum, especially in the case of vaginal orgasms. She has the most luck with your fingers flicking her clit while you whisper filthy things in her ear. She loves if you finger her when she begins to climax, and feeling her walls tighten around your digits.

D = Dirty Secret

Often, she doesn't wear underwear under her Thieves Guild armor, including a bra. She'll do this whether she's lounging around the Flagon or on a mission. There's something about the scandal that would erupt if her armor went askew that gets her going. Being able to reveal her breasts to you while you're on heists together is another benefit.

E = Experience

She isn't shy about her experience. She's been with men and women, both long term and one night stands, and enjoyed it all. Ever since she lost her virginity she's been exploring her sexuality pretty actively. She doesn't mind if you lack experience so long as you have a healthy curiosity and appetite.

F = Favorite Position

Vex makes it very well known that she enjoys being fucked from behind. She loves when you bend her over and pin her down with your hands between her shoulder blades as you pound into her with a strap on. She'll mewl your name and push back against you, desperate for more. She also loves being eaten out from behind.

G = Goofy

She's pretty serious in the moment. If she makes a joke, half of what makes it funny is how entirely unexpected it is. Despite this, she actually likes if her partner has a sense of humor. It can serve to loosen the mood and bring out a more lighthearted side of her.

H = Hair

Vex likes to be clean shaven, though she doesn't always get the opportunity to make that a reality. She mostly prefers it that way to mitigate any messes. It's more convenient to her, even if it can feel like more work in the moment.

I = Intimacy

When someone sleeps with Vex, they get one of two sides depending on who they are. One is more aloof, almost reluctant to let on how you pleasure her and eager to leave after the deed is done. The other is more passionate, where her touches can range from gentle to fervent, but never ambivalent. You in particular get the latter, with rambling words of praise undoing you.

J = Jack Off

She enjoys masturbating and usually finds time for it when she doesn't have a partner to keep her needs met. She'd always rather blow off steam with somebody else. While she might hold off pleasuring herself if she thinks there's a chance to have some fun with you soon, she doesn't see why she only needs to cum once and will happily satisfy herself until the two of you do fuck again, even if it's within the hour.

K = Kink

Dom/sub - She doesn't like intense Dom/sub dynamics, but she does enjoy a level of power exchange. She's a switch, thriving in the role of both the bratty sub and the commanding Dom. It's hard for her to say which role she prefers, as it varies based on her partner. Sometimes it depends on her mood, but often the dynamic is chosen based on her chemistry with that particular person.

Spanking - She both enjoys being spanked, and spanking you. She likes your ass, she likes playing with it, and she likes striking your skin and hearing you yelp her name. It's a natural fit. And at the same time, you forcing her over your knee when she snarks at you, or smacking her with a firm palm as you fuck her drives her insane.

Light Choking - Much like spanking, it can go either way. She mostly likes the feeling of the power exchange that comes from having your hand on someone else's throat. Some light pressure to restrict blood flow is also fun, but she doesn't like anything intense.

Praise - She praises you on instinct when she likes what you're doing, but a secret of hers is that she longs to be praised herself. The ever confident thief loves to be assured she's a good girl as she laps at your folds. She'll writhe under your touch if you whisper how good she's taking it as you fuck her.

L = Location

A mark's house. She's learned someone's schedule just so she could fuck you on a stranger's clean bedding and would love if you'd do the same for her. She fantasizes about you sitting on a noble's dining room table as she eagerly eats you out. Maybe the neighbors will hear you cum.

M = Motivation

Vex likes watching you move - whether this is just the way you walk, or the way you deftly make your way through a shop on your way to a valuable lockbox. She fixates on your hands while you pick locks and gets lost watching your lips move when you talk.

N = No

Roleplay - She has no idea how to get into character and just finds it generally awkward. She's tried it at the request of several partners and the sessions always fumble to an uncomfortable halt. She can take the mantle of a sub or a Dom, but asking her to be a priestess of Dibella, or a damsel in distress, or a catgirl? It's not going to work out.

O = Oral

She likes giving oral more than she enjoys receiving, and she really enjoys receiving. She thinks she's better with her fingers but prefers burying her face in your wet cunt and working her tongue against your clit. She like shearing you gasp out her name and feeling your fingers tangle in her hair.

P = Pace

When Vex is in control, the pace is slow in a manner that makes it clear she's trying to milk everything she can from you. She savors every second of pleasure, moving with calculated hands and precise fingertips. She rolls her hips - teasing, daunting - and you groan in anguish and pleasure.

When she's on the receiving end she likes it fast and hard. She enjoys being pinned down as you fuck her as roughly as you can manage, pounding out every last bit of tension residing in your bodies. She rarely meets her limit, relishing in the intensity and begging for more.

Q = Quickie

Quickies are fun, but Vex prefers to drag the whole experience out. She's a big fan of foreplay and feels like going straight to the act skips a large portion of the pleasure. And once you begin, she doesn't rush for the climax. She only exception is when you're fucking somewhere you're not supposed to be, but even then she'd rather take whatever time she can to prolong it. Taking your time means you're more likely to get caught That excites her.

R = Risk

She's an eager risk taker. She enjoys the possibility of someone coming home while you're fucking, and slipping out of someone's house with lingering fluids tucked under the blankets. She can get off to the thought of the rumors that would spread if the two of you were caught.

She hasn't dabbled much in the edgeplay side of risk, save for choking. She might be willing to once she trusts you enough but it's unlikely she'll enjoy anything too intense.

S = Stamina

She often goes for a while, both because of preference and because it can take her a bit to cum. Extended sessions are the norm for her. Usually she's exhausted by the end of the first round, but if you give her some time to recover she's always interested in another.

T = Toys

Vex loves when you fuck her with a strap on. Even though  she cums best from her clit being played with, she enjoys penetration. The two of you pick the ideal toy together - one that you'll both enjoy being fucked by - and spend the next few days putting it through rigorous tests.

Modern!Vex would have a wide collection of vibrators. Once you had a chance to play with all of them, she'd give you the one you liked best to keep for when she isn't around.

U = Unfair

She is absolutely a tease. She goes out of her way to whisper dirty thoughts into your ear when her mind starts to wander and her hand will slip to your ass regardless of where you are, as long as she doesn't think there are any eyes on you. Sometimes she begins her seduction hours before you'll have a chance to act on it. It makes you squirm and she loves it.

V = Volume

She makes a moderate amount of noise. She starts off as mindful as she can be about to sound but she's quick to get lost in the moment. You'll usher out shameless moans and rambling dirty talk. She can keep it down if she needs to, but it takes effort.

W = Wild Card

Vex has more experience with men but has a preference for women. At the same time, she's less likely to make a move on a woman. She tends to be more nervous about what ladies think of her. With men she's usually confident, but that falters when she's dealing with the same gender. But never mistake her reservation for disinterest.

X = X-Ray

She has a c-cup chest with small rosy nipples that often stand pert in the Skyrim chill. Her stomach is toned but still soft, as are her thighs. Her hips are more narrow, and her ass is more on the small side, though still rather perky.

Y = Yearning

There's no hiding that Vex has a high sex drive. She enjoys fucking, and particularly enjoys fucking you. She tries to pretend it's a preference, not a necessity, but she tends to get cranky if she doesn't cum nearly daily. Even if she's not actively horny, she's probably still down.

Z = Zzz...

It's rare for Vex to fall asleep afterwards. She likes chatting with you in those intimate moments and finds her mind more active and prone to wandering. Even if it's late, she'll find herself struggling to doze off. If you're the sort who likes a nap once you're done, shes' more than happy to stroke your hair and hold you while you sleep.

[knchins]

The Presentation - Todoroki Shouto

Summary: After assigning you to an important presentation against Shiketsu Co., your boss (Todoroki Shouto) decides to put in all on the line by forcing you to wear vibrating underwear. Can you win over the investors while trying not to cum?

Pairing: CEO!Shouto x Employee!Reader

Rating: E+

Word Count: 1.8k

Bingo Prompt: Remote Sex Toys

Warnings: Dirty talk, semi-public sex, boss/employee, some begging, vaginal sex, vaginal fingering, unprotected sex

Notes: I chose Shouto because that's who I prefer to write for lol and I thought he fit the situation a bit more. Not only is this for @bnhabookclub​ bingo but its also for this week's nsfw prompt for work relationship trope/au! I hope everyone enjoys this kind of weird piece I wrote.

 Today was the big day. You were giving a presentation to a new batch of investors for UA Inc. and you were up against your toughest rival yet: Shiketsu Co. Your CEO, Todoroki Shouto has given you strict orders to ace this. If you were to lose to Shiketsu then you would be punished severely.

     “If you mess this up for me, sweetheart, then I’m not going to let you cum for an entire month.” He had hissed into you ear after giving you the assignment. He had never left something so important to you and you had been a nervous wreck since your one on one meeting.

 Of course that wasn’t all there was to it. Mr. Todoroki had always had a flair for exhibitionism and today would be no different. With the threat of losing your job looming over your head, he forced you to change out your regular underwear with a set of remote controlled vibrating panties. If you managed not to scream, managed to keep it together and win the hearts of the investors, then he promised to fuck you in any position you so desired.

 You were determined to win this, with or without the added sexual distraction. You just hoped he wouldn’t go too hard on you. You had spent over eight hours preparing your powerpoint, the graphics and numbers all triple checked for accuracy. If you proved yourself today then you’d likely be next in line for a promotion that you desperately needed. Despite sleeping with the boss, Mr. Todoroki always played fair when it came to raises, promotions, and the sort. He only played favorites in his personal life and that was something that you respected about him.

 The clock struck three PM and it was time to start. Camie, representing Shiketsu, was waiting for you to start. She had the advantage of going second, however you were extremely certain that she wouldn’t be able to top you. Still, this didn’t stop your anxiety from rising and hands from shaking.

 Despite the nerves, a calm and pleasant smile was on your face as you greeted the investors and handed them each a professionally made binder with all the information you’d be going over today with them. You let them know that this was for their personal use and they could take notes inside if they wished.

 The projector was already set up and your laptop was hooked to it. As you began the presentation, your boss sitting in the back discreetly turned on the underwear. The tiny vibrations made you halt in your tracks, almost making you trip over your words in surprise.

 You squeezed your thighs together, hoping that they wouldn’t be able to see you tense through your black pencil skirt. You continued on with the presentation, careful to remain articulate as you used a laser pointer to go over raw data that had been collected.

 Every time you clicked to the next slide, Todoroki upped the setting on the panties. At only halfway through you were certain that they could hear it, the sound ringing in your ears as you desperately tried to keep your knees from knocking together. You found it more and more difficult to breathe steadily and remain focused. If this meeting was so important then why was he playing with you like this? It just didn’t make any sense.

 Still there was a goal in mind. You knew exactly what you’d ask for when you won this. All you had to do was not cum, not make any kind lewd sound, and beat Shiketsu. Already you could feel a sweat starting to break out along your temples and the back of your neck. Hopefully it wouldn’t ruin your hair or makeup.

 After the final slide, you were close to collapsing right there on the spot. You had to lean against the table in order to keep yourself steady. “Any questions?” You asked with a bright smile, concealing how close you were to having an orgasm in front of all of them. In the back, you could see Todoroki smirking at you.

 After answering the questions, you took your seat, crossing your legs under the table in order to feel a modicum of relief. Todoroki lowered the intensity while Camie gave her own presentation, and as you had suspected, it wasn’t nearly as good as yours had been.

 He edged you the entire time, cranking up the setting and watching how you reacted. When it was clear you couldn’t take any more, he pushed it back down. The ups and downs were maddening as you struggled to keep your composure in front of the investors.

 After a short deliberations period, the investors decided to put their time and money into UA Inc. instead of Shiketsu Co. You grinned happily as Todoroki finally cut the underwear off. It was a blessing too because you were worried that your panties had soaked through onto your skirt. You prayed that there wasn’t a damp spot when you stood up. Thank god you chose to wear black.

 Slowly everyone said their goodbyes and thank yous, eventually filtering out of the door until no one was left except you and Shouto. He stood next to you, towering over you in a way that had your legs shaking once more. You wanted nothing more than for him to keep up his side of the bargain.

 “Congratulations, baby.” He said, looking smug as ever. “You won. Now,” He placed a hand on your hip, bringing your body flush against his, “how would you like your reward?”

 You swallowed thickly, glancing at the large floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the city. You glanced between him and the wall of windows, chewing on your lower lip as you mulled it over. “Against the window.” You said finally, nodding towards the glass structure.

 Todoroki gave you a curious look, “So you do want everyone to watch you as you have an orgasm. Filthy, girl.” He grabbed you by the chin, forcing you to look at him, “But since I owe you this, I’ll let you act like a dirty slut just this once.”

 You shuddered against him, batting your eyelashes as your eyes moved up to look up at his handsome face. He leaned down and kissed you forcefully, backing you up until your body hit the cool class.

 He tore open your blouse, making buttons fly across the room and you briefly wondered how you were going to leave the room now without a working shirt. The thought quickly passed as he pulled down your bra to massage your breasts with his right hand.

 His left hand pushed up your skirt in order to tug down your hose and underwear. Clearly he wanted this to be quick, though you weren’t too surprised. The foreplay had been during the meeting and you were still dripping and on edge from it. You knew that you wouldn’t last long once he finally put his cock in you.

 Todoroki plunged two fingers into your soaking core. They curled inside, finding that sweet spot that had you mewling against the window. His teeth were at your throat, leaving purple hickeys flowering on your soft skin. “Who knew that I could get you this turned out without even touching you?” He asked teasingly as a blush crossed the tops of your cheeks.

 “M-Mr. T-Todoroki,” you stammered, caging in a moan in the process of speaking. “I-I need m-more-” His fingers just weren’t doing it for you. You needed something longer and thicker. He had you way too wound up for a simple finger fucking.

 He removed his fingers, shoving them into your mouth so that you could clean them off. You lapped at your juices, enjoying the taste as you sucked them clean. He removed the digits before turning you around so that your face and chest were against the glass of the window. The chill from the cold on the other side made you shiver.

 “Alright, since you want to be such a little office slut, I’ll let you have my dick. You did such a good job today with those men.” He said as he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, moving them down just enough to get out his hardened cock.

 Todoroki pressed the head of his penis against your entrance, causing you to whine for more. He waited patiently, wanting to hear you say how much you needed it before actually obliging you.

 “Please, sir,” You said, voice trembling with anticipation, “I need your cock. Please fuck me in front of the entire city, I want them to see me cum!” You dared to look back at him, catching the satisfied look on his face as he finally thrust into you, grabbing hold of your hips to steady them.

 You moaned, your breath fogging up the window. You felt so full with him inside you, so complete. He stood there with content for a few moments, enjoying the sensation of your soft walls squeezing down around him. “Your tight little hole always sucks me in, you know that? Your dirty fucking pussy loves my cock.”

 Finally he pulled out before ramming back into you, choosing a fast and steady rhythm to fuck you with. Each thrust inward pressed you more into the glass, imprinting your face and breasts onto it. You tried to keep your moans down, knowing that if any coworker passed by then they could hear you.

 Todoroki let out a low groan, he would never admit to how addicted to your body he had become. Making you his little office whore was the best decision he had ever made. He continued to ram into you, smirking at the sound of skin hitting skin. The juicy noises your pussy made he pushed all the way into you.

 He forced you higher and higher and the knowledge that you were finally going to get some relief made you incredibly giddy. You lost yourself, letting your voice get a little too loud as you begged him to fuck you harder. He did so, gripping your hips so tightly that you knew there would be bruises on your hips.

 He reached around and flicked your clit, pinching the bud before rubbing it in time with his thrusts. The small action sent you up and over the edge, allowing you to dive deep into a pool of pleasure as the waves of your high crashed down around you. You had to bite your tongue to keep from crying out his name.

 A few moments later, he was filling you with his seed. After catching his breath he pulled out, admiring the stream of semen that spilled down your leg. “Now you’re going to finish the day dripping with my cum, got it?” He asked, adjusting his pants before fastening them.

 You seemed to melt into the cold class, knees knocking as you tried to regain your composure. “Y-Yes, sir.” You finally said between gasps of air. Your boss smirked before leaving you alone to clean yourself up.

Masterlist || Bingo Masterlist || Bingo requests open! 

Tag List: @dabi-hates-fish​, @hawksward​, @gallickingun​

[ilguna]

Metanoia - Chapter Four (f.o)

Summary: you will be crowned victor of the 75th hunger games.

Word Count; 4k

Warnings; swearing

NOTES: i give reader a last name to fit the world.

–

You reach over, grabbing a hair tie off of the counter. You gather all your hair into your hands before tying it back as tightly as you can manage. In the mirror you check to make sure that it’s straight. When you realize that it’s not, you pull your hair on one side to even it out.

Satisfied, you take a look at yourself from a distance. It’s not a bad look, the whole outfit that they’ve given out for training this year. You’re a big fan of the sports bra option--like you being allowed to wear it all by itself. Of course, you’re sure when the private session comes along, you’re going to have to wear something a little more modest.

But for now, a sports bra and a pair of yoga leggings is definitely something you wouldn’t mind training in. It’s easy to move around, you’re not showing too much skin, and you look good. It isn’t the main goal to look your best, however showing off that you are in good physical shape is a good threat in itself.

It means you’ll be able to handle anything that comes your way. Someone tries to overpower you, you got the muscle to take them down. You could kill one of the tributes just by choking them to death with their thighs. What a way to go down, suffocating in a career’s thighs.

You laugh to yourself as you skip out of the bathroom and head to the main room. Brutus has been waiting for you to be ready. You were about to leave before, but realize that you needed to get your hair up and out of your face if you want to take this entire thing seriously.

You have to draw in other tributes. Get literally anyone confident enough to request you as an ally. It doesn’t even have to include the other three--Brutus, Gloss and Cashmere--if they want just you, you’ll consider. Neysa might have told you to knock the idea of going solo out of your head, but you’re not as stupid as she is.

You’re the one inside of the games. You know what’s best for you. And after all that thinking last night, you’ve come up with a few game plans. The first is that it’s completely possible to make Cashmere, Gloss and Brutus think you’re in on the alliance, but totally bail whenever you feel like it.

You could take at least one of them down before you go. Gloss or Brutus preferably. Sure, Brutus is a district mate, and you should be wanting someone else to take him down, but he’s not a friend. Merely an acquaintance that will get you to where you need to be. Which is hopefully the final ten or less.

What you will not be doing, is creating another alliance in the meantime. You are no idiot, if you’re serious about flying solo. Well, it’s called solo for a reason. One person, only you. You, your special favorite weapon, and maybe even some sponsors if they see that you’re still worthy enough.

You don’t have your mind set on anything just yet, you have plenty of time to make that decision. Five and a half days, to be exact, which is counting today. Half because the morning of the games will most certainly count, up until you get into the arena.

“Took you long enough, for a second I thought you’d died.” Brutus says.

“You’re funny.” you say, “Let’s go.”

“Not yet.” Neysa objects, “I have good news and bad news, which one do you want first?”

She’s sitting at the dining room table, a mug of coffee in her hands even though it’s noon. You would say that it’s ridiculous, but she has the right idea… kinda. She’s going to get wired up on caffeine, which is dumb as fuck. But coffee in District Two is so expensive, and here, it’s for free. She can drink as much as she wants.

The only thing is it’ll come back and bite her in the ass later on, when she realizes that she’s actually addicted to the stuff. Not your problem though, you don’t really care.

“You finally realize that your teeth are turning yellow?” you ask, giving her a cheeky smile when she deadpans, “Good news first.”

“Your necklace was approved, Amias is holding onto it so she can include it in your interview outfit. As for the bad news…” She trails off.

“Spit it out.”

Neysa gives you a smile and a tilted head, “You’ve got your first formal request to have you as an ally.”

Suddenly, it’s your turn to deadpan, “You’re kidding.”

Brutus starts laughing.

“Finnick--”

“Tell him I say no.” You say.

Neysa’s eyes land on Brutus next, “He’s very thorough.”

“I’ll pass.” Brutus says, “Mainly because I don’t want to get on (Y/n)’s bad side. Do you know if he asked Cashmere and Gloss’ mentors too?”

“Probably.” Neysa says.

“Is that it?” you ask.

“Yeah, make friends.” she gives you a pointed look, before going back to whatever she was doing.

You and Brutus leave the apartment, heading over to the elevator. The ride down is quiet, and it’s brief since you guys are so close to the training floor. The doors open, you two step out and take the short walk down the hallway, and into the room.

You’re almost overwhelmed at the new sight of everything. It’s definitely new, you’ll give it that. The weapons are shiny, polished and unscratched, which will definitely change by the end of these three days. The concrete floor isn’t scuffed. The entire room smells of plastic, brand fucking new.

“Where to start…” you trail off, looking around the room to see who’s here.

Johanna Mason, she’s got her hands on an axe, you’ll skip over her. Cashmere and Gloss are working together at some station. Your eyes concentrate on it more to see that there’s something orange that’s moving.

“What the hell--?” you leave Brutus behind as you start over to where Cashmere and Gloss are.

As you get closer, you can see that the orange things are people. There’s a beam on them, tracking them as they move. It isn’t until you’re right in front of them, when the word clicks.

“Holograms!” you gasp, the trainer standing nearby smiles widely and nods.

“Yes, new technology was installed. Would you like to try?” she asks, moving aside and motioning to the station next to her.

You make a face, “I’d rather do hand-to-hand combat right now, I’ll swing by later after lunch.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it.” she says.

Brutus comes over, standing next to you. Cashmere and Gloss finish up what they’re doing, and when they turn to look at you guys, they’ve hardly broken a sweat. It looks like you’re not the only one in amazing physical condition.

“Welcome.” Cashmere looks you over, obviously hesitant, “Nice to see you again.”

“Save the bitchiness for someone who cares.” You say, “Unless you’re trying to get on my nerves again.”

“I’ll tread lighter, then.”

Gloss glances over you very briefly, as if he’s trying not to be insulting. When his eyes land on Brutus, they do the whole guy thing. You’re bored of it, and spend some time looking over the room again.

Plenty of stations to work with, but your mind is suddenly settled on working on the uneven ground, with a man that is clearly dressed for fighting. Without a word to the others, you leave them behind.

Wiress and Beetee are here, working at some fire starting station. One over sits Cecelia all by herself, you have no idea what she’s doing. She gives you a look as you pass, clearly not knowing what to think of you staring. All you can think about is how easy it’ll be able to kill her and her district mate. They’re out of practice, too old now.

One last look before you make it to the guy in black gear tells you that Finnick is here with Mags, but they’re in two different places. Mags is at some podium that’s a white light, moving her hands. Her eyebrows are drawn together seriously as she focuses. As for Finnick, you can clearly see the rope in his hand. He sits on a cement bench, legs spread with his elbows on his thighs. Just as focused as Mags is.

Enough with the ogling.

You pick up a staff, spinning it in your hand, looking over the man, “We practice?”

“Yes.” he says, picking up his own black staff.

“Are you actually allowed to hit me?” you step onto the first blue block, but get a look at all the rest, trying to memorize it so when you’re walking backwards, you’ll know where to step.

It’s not a bad design, it’s actually fairly realistic. You never know when something will drop off into a hole. What they should’ve added is slopes too, because that would have been the absolute worst. There’s nothing like having your footing slip, and even falling because you weren’t standing properly.

You’re all for realism.

“I can tap you, and that’s about it.” he tells you.

“Well, I expect you not to go easy.” you turn to look down at him, spinning the staff around in your hand a final time, “Otherwise, you will find yourself on your ass.”

There’s a moment of silence between you two, as you slam the pole onto the blue blocks to get it to stop moving, “Challenge accepted.”

He swings first, which is an easy block. Two hands on the staff, you shove him backwards when he connects with yours. To give him a fair chance, and to test out your memory, you begin to back up. There’s a dip behind you--correct. You shuffle your foot back again, it should be going up--correct.

He gets up while he cans, and you try to take him down with the chance you got. You swing in from the right, making sure he’s paying attention, before you half-circle, and nearly slam the staff on his helmet. He catches you just in time for it not too be bad, you’re sure that move would have made him see stars.

With an attempt to push you back that fails, he swings at your ankles. Another incline behind you--correct. You jump onto it briefly to get out of the way, and then get back down. You’re not sure if it’s against the rules or not, but you slam your foot against the square of his chest.

He stumbles back, and since it’s a decline, he falls. 

It’s like a turtle on its back, he almost can’t get up. You sneer, dropping down the couple of steps as you offer your hand for him to take. You pull him up and onto his feet.

In the short time of your fighting, there’s been newcomers. District Nine’s very own drunk is puking at the entrance. Peeta is standing next to Brutus, making conversation, and Katniss Everdeen is giving you a look up and down.

You raise your eyebrows at her, then turn back to the guy to give him a pat on the arm, “I told you not to go easy.”

“How was I supposed to know you’d donkey kick me?”

“Pay more attention to the areas you leave open.” you tell him, “Although, I would have kicked the staff too. But that’s neither here nor there. Wanna go again, or do you need a moment?”

“Definitely need a second,” he says, sitting on a block.

In the meantime, you get up and onto the blocks, swinging the staff around in circles with one hand. You’ll stop it, try different positions to fight with. Having your back to the higher and lower blocks is a fun challenge to work with, but the high ground is an unfair advantage. You wonder what would happen if he tried it instead.

You don’t get the chance to ask.

“So what did you tell your mentor?” 

You roll your eyes before you even see him, “You’re impossible to get rid of.”

You take a seat on the block you're standing on, which is conveniently the highest one. With your legs dangling over the side, you could kick Finnick in the face if he got close enough. You kinda hope he tests fate with that idea.

However, he must be a mind reader, because he takes a couple of steps back. It could very well be because he wants to be able see your entire face. No matter how far back he stands, though, he’ll never be eye to eye with you. To you, he just gets smaller and smaller. You wish he’d trip over something and embarrass himself.

“What have I ever done to you?” Finnick asks.

“Nothing, thank god.” you look him up and down, “Your existence is enough to set me off.”

“That’s unfair.”

“Life is unfair. Not everyone has to be pleased with your presence.”

Finnick smiles a little bit, “Oh, I know.”

“I don’t know why you’re so insistent with me in particular. There’s other girls for you to try and swoon.” you motion, “Johanna, Cecelia, Wiress, Katniss.”

“Katniss is seventeen.” 

“Has that ever stopped you before?” you ask, tilting your head.

You remind yourself of something again. A fairytale character this time… what is his name--annoying personality. He’s cryptic, which is an opposite for you. But nobody really likes him, do they? Purple, an animal…

The cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. Yes, that’s right. You only know about him because it was one of the stories your mom used to read to you before bed as a child. One of your favorites. The cheshire cat was the one that brought you in the most. As well as the Queen of Hearts. You’ve always had a thing for villainous characters.

“I don’t associate with minors, (Y/n).” Finnick says.

“That’s right, because you have a girlfriend.”

His face darkens at the mention of her.

You decide to avoid that conversation, because you have a staff in your hand, and you’d certainly be able to hit him hard enough to give him a concussion, “Back to your original question, no, I’m not going to be your ally.”

Finnick looks relieved at the topic switch, “Is it because of your distaste for me?”

“You really could have anyone in this room be your ally, and yet you choose me. Why is that?” you ask, “Is it because I’m mean or difficult?”

“I’m just curious on how well the alliance would be able to hold up in the arena.” Finnick tilts his head, mirroring your own, “How fast you would try to kill me.”

“Immediately.”

“You’re telling me that I haven’t grown on you at least a little, now? After all the conversations we’ve had.”

You hold up three fingers on your left hand, and use your right index finger to push on them one at a time, “The first one, I called you a cynical prick, the second I was forced to apologize for being too mean and hurting your crybaby feelings, and you’re telling me that this one isn’t any better?”

“Crybaby feelings?”

You make a mock sad face and voice, “So you didn’t run off to cry to your mentors?”

“You did try to hit me, after all.” Finnick says, straightening his head again and shrugging, “They wanted to know what happened.”

“Right, sure.”

Finnick smiles, “You’re cute, you know that.”

You can feel a button pressed instantly, because your body begins heating up in a bad way. You’re not embarrassed, you’re infuriated because he’d associate a word like that with you. You’re not cute.

Finnick must’ve recognized his mistake with how red your face is. It feels like it’s on fire, and you’re suddenly glaring at him, “Listen, I didn’t mean it like that.”

You take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down before you send the staff flying at his abdomen, “I am not cute. No matter the way you mean it, I’m not a cute person, and I never will be.”

Finnick nods, “I guess what I should have said is that you’re funny.”

“Funny how?” you ask, “Funny because I get mad so easily?”

“That and the fact that you also think you’re unlikable. Here’s a newsflash for you: you’re not.”

“People pretend to like me because they know what happens when they don’t.” you lean forward, “I’m sure you can take a solid guess on what I mean.”

“What, you threaten to kill everyone you don’t like?”

“You’ve been on my list for a pretty long time now.” you say, “I’m lucky that I finally get to fall through on that.”

“Who else is on your list?” he asks, “Genuine question.”

“Everyone who has ever done me wrong.” You say simply.

“Give me an example,” he says, and then adds, “Besides myself.”

“For starters--” you turn to where Katniss is sitting with Wiress and Beetee, you’d noticed that she went over there a while ago. She’s making allies while she can. She’s lucky, she’s got a clean slate and no enemies or friends in here, or so she thinks, “--her.”

“What has she done?” Finnick looks amused.

You smile a little bit, “I’m not one to fight for spotlight, but this year is different.”

“Because you think you’re going to win?” Finnick looks a little more serious now.

“I know I am. And it’ll all work out once I get rid of the only threats. You can identify those on your own, right?” you ask, rolling the staff back and forth over your thighs, “I didn’t volunteer because I thought I could win. I volunteered because I know I can.”

Finnick doesn’t look too pleased with what you had to say, but that’s fine with you. As long as it finally sinks into his brain that you’re not messing around. He should stop trying to treat you like a toy and more like an enemy. 

However, he could be trying to reel you in to make you like him in hopes that you’ll space some sort of mercy on him when you do come across him in the arena. He’s stupid if he is thinking that route. 

“So, you, Cashmere, Gloss and Brutus in an alliance?” his eyes drift over to them, you give a glance over your shoulder yourself, curious on what they’re up to.

They’re staring at you guys all the same. There’s a smile on Brutus’ face, and you can practically hear him teasing you now over this, ‘oh, I thought you hated him, change your mind?’. As the other two morons will probably ask if this means that he can be invited to the alliance as if they really want him in.

They’d probably ask just to irritate you.

“What do you think?” you ask.

“I wonder where my invitation is at.” Finnick looks at you now.

“You think we’re going to invite you, when you’re clearly going to drag in Mags? Yeah, you’d be just as bad as Peeta.”

This is new to Finnick, his eyebrows skyrocket upwards at the statement, “What?”

“Peeta is practically dead already, look at how useless he is.” 

Peeta is with Johanna now, Johanna is still swinging her axe around, but Peeta stands at a distance, talking to her. You have to admit, he’s got good taste in picking people out as friends. But they’re smarter than he is, they’ll know not to pick him. He’s got no useful skills. He brings nothing to the table.

“Does he even know how to fight?” you laugh.

“Big talk.” Finnick says, his body is halfway turned to stare at Peeta.

“No, just common sense.” you say, “What about you, Mister Cynical, any alliances?”

Finnick looks at you now, you’re assuming it’s because of the nickname, “No, not yet. I was hoping you’d accept my offer to kickstart it.”

“I doubt that you don’t have any alliances by now. No Johanna or Blight? Or are you teamed up with Katniss and Peeta?” you study Finnick’s face to see his reaction, “Or perhaps, both?”

“Stop that.” he snaps at you.

It’s your turn to be surprised, you lean back, sucking in your bottom lip with a smile, “Both it is. It’s nice to know who to look out for and avoid. Now I’ll know that where one goes--the others will follow. I need to know one more thing though, before I end this conversation.”

Finnick looks up at you again.

“Were you inviting me into the alliance because you want me to fight alongside you guys, or because you wanted to trap me and be able to take me out first?”

Finnick doesn’t say anything, you two stare at each other for a long moment. You know you’re not going to get your answer, so you push yourself up, using the staff as a helper.

“Hey, you don’t have to answer, I’ll be finding out soon enough, eh?” you swing the staff between your fingers, “I will be keeping this convo to myself, though. So don’t worry about it.”

You slam the staff into the block again before turning yourself around to go and get the trainer guy back on his feet. He’s had more than enough time to recover from his tumble.

“I’m ready to go again.” you tell him, “Get up higher than me.”

The man stands, taking his staff and going up the uneven blocks. The problem now, is that he’ll be fighting both you, and the ability to navigate the terrain. The only advantage he has, is that he’ll be able to get you from better angles, and you’ll be working with experimentation moves.

You start with slipping the left side of the staff between his feet, then quickly push with the right. When his foot goes up, you reach over with your free hand to pull his knee out.

He looks like he’s about to buckle, kicking your face in the meantime, but you dodge it, and he catches his footing. After that, he swings at your head from the right, making you duck. The two of you go back and forth for a while. You’ll swing, he dodges, and then vice versa.

It isn’t until you’re about twenty minutes in, when you start to break a sweat from it. You’re on a good streak, until you get distracted by everyone else moving towards the bow and arrow area. Because of this, the man swings too hard and catches you in the side of the head.

You stumble, placing your hand on the area, but brushing it off when he tries to apologize. You’re interested in something else now. You tell him that you don’t want medical attention, getting down the blocks and shoving the staff into the holder.

Brutus lags a little when he sees that you’re going to join them, “Katniss is firing arrows.”

“Huh.” you jog up, “Is she any good?”

“Take a look for yourself.”

Basically everyone who’s attended training today, is here. Mags and Gloss stand up close. Brutus is to your right, Seeder stands behind you, Chaff is behind Johanna. While to your left is Cashmere, Wiress and Beetee. Behind them stands Peeta.

And beside you? Finnick Odair.

There’s a big enough gap between Mags and Johanna, allowing you to see right through. All of Katniss’ movements are smooth. The way she moves around the mat, how quick she is to pull arrows. She knows where the holograms are going to be before they’re even there. 

Deadly.

“So,” Finnick starts, “Still want to be allied with them?”

[hintofcolor]

Things I’ve managed to convince myself are canon:

Dick was born in Romania and spent his entire childhood traveling with the circus not once settling down therefore when his parents died in America (supposedly just another country they stopped in) he was forced to stay there. Meaning dick was an illegal immigrant for a long time while Bruce constantly was trying to use his money and power to get Dick legal without him leaving the country OR anyone finding out

This also means Dick couldn’t really speak English when he moved in with Bruce (this is backed up by him constantly dismantling the English language in the YJ cartoon)

All of the bat kids were bullied brutally in school

Bruce encouraged them to fight back just like Alfred did with him (“never throw the first punch but if get hit make sure they’re the ones that stay down”)

Dick spent a couple weeks in juvie after his parents died and it was the worst couple weeks of his life

Dick had a childhood crush on Wally (who is straight) when dick was 16 he sat Wally down and told him. He told him he expected nothing out of this confession he just hated feeling like he was lying to Wally, Wally understood and was really nonchalant about it nothing changed in their relationship

Jason grew up loving wonder woman and considered her his greatest inspiration in being a hero when he was robin

In return Diana absolutely adored Jason

When Jason got older his respect for Diana only grew and Diana constantly stood up for him, even going as far as (subtly) threatening Bruce a couple times

Jason can’t handle the smell of drugs at all, he always has to wear a filtered mask during drug busts just in case

Jason used to smoke but ever since coming back the smoke just reminds him of the explosion (I saw this somewhere I can’t remember where shout out to you tho)

Jason hates the color green

Tim was severely neglected as a child

Tim learned multiple different languages from all the nanny’s he’s had

Tim is an amazing photographer

All of Bruce’s kids are really close with Selina and go to her to talk or just if they need a break from Bruce and she absolutely adores it

This is one of the main reasons Bruce wanted to marry her

Bruce might be a little awkward and socially inept but he is a good father and loves all of his kids and even tho he might slip up sometimes he would NEVER (I’m looking at you Tim king) NEVER EVER intentionally hurt one of his kids physically or mentally BECAUSE THAT IS EXTEREMELY OUT OF CHARACTER @ ANY WRITER WHO HAS MADE BRUCE A JERK GOD LEARN YOUR CHARACTER JEEZ

Damian is a phenomenal artist and is considered a prodigy

It is something he keeps to himself however

Both Dick and Tim have gone and worked under Selina during thier robin days for a few weeks

The only person who is close to Dicks level when it comes to acrobatics is Selina

There are days where you are only allowed to speak in your native tongue to help Everyone keep up their language skills (Tim speaks Filipino dick speaks Romani Jason speaks Italian Stephanie speaks Portuguese Damian speaks Arabic bruce switches Cassie speaks Chinese) these are the days duke feels like slamming his head through a wall

All of the bat kids have green lantern shirts

Tim has a habit of stealing clothes from literally anyone

Tim prefers tea over coffee

Ace and Titus are both trained service dog however Titus is Damians specifically while Ace is trained to alert Alfred of Bruce and to alert Bruce of Dick Tim and Jason

Bruce is think about getting another dog for Cassie steph and duke because he doesn’t want to overwhelm Ace with 3 more people

Nobody in that spoiled family except for Jason and Alfred can make ANYTHING other that ramen cereal and toast

Dick is insanely healthy because that’s how he grew up in the circus AND the manor

Bruce once lit the refrigerator on fire trying to cook. No one knows how. He denies he ever did such to this day

Dick was considered a heartthrob as a teen and actually was featured on vogue in native dress and took the opportunity to talk about his culture

Vickie was fuming but so was Lois

Dick dresses like Harry styles. Convince me otherwise. I dare you.

However his go to look is a Hawaiian short tucked into black skinny jeans and black converse

Just like Selina everyone in the batfamily has a tendency to confide in Dinah

No homophobia sexism or racism is allowed in the Wayne house hold if you display any of the following you will promptly be kicked out. It has happened before

Cassie has punched lex Luther in the face at a gala

Bruce laughed

Cass has also only worn sweats and a sports bra to a gala

Cass is a ballet dancer and likes teaching her brothers the moves she has learned

When Bruce came back from the dead and found out the justice league thought Tim was going insane with grief and didn’t do anything about it he yelled and screamed for a solid hour. Then he went silent. for weeks he didn’t say a word. It was the most terrifying he had ever been

Duke hangs on to the fact that he is the only meta allowed in Gotham with absolute pride

All the robins check in on the kids from the ‘we are robin’ movement every now and again just to make sure they are okay

Adults are terrified of the bats however children love them

Every member of the batfamily has been called over by child screaming out their window only to spend the next hour helping said child with their homework

Batman makes sure he is approachable to children he wants them to feel safe enough around him to ask for his help no matter what

That has led to him: 1. Patching up stuff animals 2. Calming down imaginary friends 3. Giving opinions on important matters such as which color is the best 4. Helping with homework 5. Trying to be persuaded into convincing the parents not to make broccoli anymore. It’s his favorite part about putting on a mask

Teenagers tho a little more hesitant also approach him with a little more serious matters and more for advice. (How can I help my friend with depression? How can I help my anxiety? I think friend is doing drugs how can I help. I don’t think these are good people I’m hanging out with but now I’m too scared to stop)

However if teens catch any bat sitting on a rooftop close to their windows they ask more stupid type of questions

“Hey nightwing how do you ask out a girl?” “Red hood I’m trying to write this book so hypothetically how long does it take some one to bleed out?” “If I payed you would you take my physical for PE for me?” “How good do you think you would do on the pacer test?” “Can you tell my little sister to shut up, she’ll listen to you?” “How much do I have to pay you to scare my friend?”

Talks between people and the vigilantes from rooftop to window happen a lot and it is always the highlight of the patrol. They like that the people of Gotham trust them.

Jason was brought back via whatever that superboy reset was (I’m still a little fuzzy, sue me) clawed his way out of his grave and then found by Talia. He was then but in the pit for his head injuries. Making it easier for the shadows to manipulate and brainwash him into hating Bruce. However that’s the only thing they manipulated him into. Jason didn’t go ‘insane by the pit’ and his thoughts and stances on killing are his own. And the way Bruce handles Jason being back is what made Jason continue hating Bruce even aged the brainwashing ‘wore off’

The day his dad died was what Jason considered the best day of his life

Dick is extremely intelligent and was considered a child prodigy (this isn’t a headcanon this is actually canon some of y’all just forget and need to be reminded)

Dick loves math (also canon)

Jason can sing. Like really really well.

Theater Nerd™️ Jason Todd

Jason is scared of thunderstorms

Damian is afraid of heights

Lady shiva absolutely adores Tim

They have all been arrested a few times each for varying reasons when they were teenagers

If Alfred or Bruce yell one thier full names the other kids will cover for them but ONLY if they use the full name other wise it’s every man for himself

I know this one isn’t batfam but I think kon playes the electric guitar and has a really unique punk-ish vibe type singing voice (think hobo Johnson)

Dick has naturally curly hair

[stellar-imagines]

NSFW SCENARIO REQUEST: ❝jealous, much?❞

[ Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia ] [ Characters: Bakugou Katsuki ]

jealousy (noun.) ― is defined as a defensive reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship, arising from a situation in which the partner's involvement with an activity and/or another person 「NSFW scenario where Bakugou gets jealous because Midoriya is being handsy with his S/O」 ❝I am not fucking jealous.❞  [ NSFW under the cut! ]

BAKUGOU KATSUKI

Bakugou couldn’t even remember why he agreed to this in the first place. With his leg bouncing impatiently and eyebrows knitted, he observed the scene in front of him with his permanent scowl on his face. Standing next to him was Kirishima who followed his friend’s gaze. While he and Bakugou were showering, you and Midoriya decided to train together. The red head teen wasn’t that all surprised when he realized that the ash blonde was staring at you and Midoriya sparing together. Jealousy, irritation and annoyance was written all over his face. As much as Bakugou wanted to drag you away, he knew that you needed this. Both you and Midoriya had similar quirks and it was natural that you would ask the viridian haired male to assist with your training.

Even though everyone knew how Midoriya had little to no control over his quirk at the beginning of the year but he has shown great progression over the months. At the present, he was able to use his quirk more efficiently. You were always training with Bakugou to increase your endurance. Your parents had been the one to teach you to master your quirk so you had no problems with using it. What’s more, Midoriya and you are close friends and seeing how much he had improved in such a short amount of time, you wanted some advice from him. Currently, you were stretching your limbs to loosen up your muscles. Midoriya was doing the same, bending down and reaching his toes.

“Thank you for helping me, Midoriya-kun. I’ve been trying to increase my endurance for the past few weeks that I didn’t think about making super moves. Thanks to Katsuki-kun, I can last longer in combat now! But I still want to work on my super moves.” you said with a small, determined smile.

“N-No, it’s not a big deal, [Last Name]-san. I’m happy to help you. I also know a few things about your quirk” Midoriya muttered meekly, rubbing the back of his head.

“Alright, let's get this started then! Let's do a little warm up together." you said enthusiastically. 

Bakugou watched the whole scene, keeping his gaze trained on you and Midoriya. You looked like you were enjoying yourself―talking so heatedly about what you could do with your quirk. Midoriya proved to be a great help, he was observant and curious by nature. All his questions gave you a few ideas you could test out on the field in class. The ash blonde looked over to his side when he felt a few taps. Beaming at him was Kirishima who handed him a sports drink. Bakugou twisted the cap open and took big swigs from the bottle.

“You gotta stop staring at them so intensely. Why are you so irritated and jealous?” the red head questioned, leaning forward and tying his shoelaces.

“I’m not fucking irritated nor am I jealous.” Bakugou placed his drink back onto the bench.

“Yes, you are. You look more than ready to kill Midoriya, bro.” Kirishima pointed out.

“No, I’m not.” the male childishly denied.

“Yes you are.” Kirishima teased. Bakugou clicked his tongue in annoyance, decided not to say anything back because he knew he couldn’t win against his friend’s teasing. He stayed silent and turned his attention towards you again. What his saw made his patience run on thin ice.

“So like this?” you looked over your shoulder for confirmation. Midoriya stood behind you with his hand under his chin, observing your posture for a few moments. He stepped forward and placed his hands over yours, pressing himself against your back. Neither of you noticed Bakugou’s gaze, far too occupied with the task at hand. You pressed your lips together, letting Midoriya move your arms. Once he fixed your posture, you used your quirk. Lucky for you, you had managed to learn more of your quirk.

“Thank you, Midoriya-kun! It was a pleasure training with you!” you thanked him.

Bakugou watched as you slowly make your way over, beaming at him and telling him that you were ready to go back. It took all he could to not drag you into the nearest closet and take you there. Instead, he pulled you into his room to have his way with you.

You were pushed down to his bed, his lips claiming yours the instant you tried to ask him what was wrong. It started tender and loving, his body heat and the feeling of his lips starting to overwhelm your senses. You held onto his arms for leverage as his trailed his own hands up your shirt and you mentally thanked the Gods above that you weren’t sweating that much. You pulled away and greedily inhaled before running your hands through his hair. He pressed his hips against yours and you gasped at the feeling of his boner against your shorts. The quiet moan that left your lips didn’t go unnoticed.

“What’s got you so riled up Katsuki?” you whispered into his ear as he got rid of the shirt and shorts you were wearing. The male hovered above you, hands placed on either side of your head to show dominance. He stared at your form, laying on his bed with a sports bra that accentuated your breasts and underwear that matched the color of your bra. The male brought his hands to your bra and pushed his hands from underneath, kneading the mounds and pinching your nipples.

“Katsu....Aaah....Mhmm, slow down please.....Aaah.” you moaned, gazing at him with lust evident in your eyes.

He remained silent, letting a hiss when he felt your hand brush against his clothed erection. Being a little bit experienced with sex, you easily pulled down his hands and boxers so his erection was set free from its confines. He was painfully hard and you could tell that he was sporting this boner before you even got to his room. You took off your bra before things got too heated. Bakugou attacked your neck with his mouth, biting at the exposed flesh. You gasped loudly at the sharp pain but moaned lewdly when you felt his tongue flick over the bruises and his lips leaving soft, fleeting kisses.

“Aaah! Katsuki! S-Stop, I can’t hide them all if you leave so many.....” you tugged his hair lightly, hoping that he will come to his senses and stop his ministrations. Your pleads fell on deaf ears and after a few bites, Bakugou pulled away with a shit-eating smirk on his face.

“You’re fucking mine. All these marks prove it.” the male said with a proud tone. You watched as he slowly moved down, chomping lightly on your nipples. Your body instinctively leaned into his face, body twitched in pleasure.

“W-Wait.....Let’s all calm down....Nyaahnn......”

“Do you think I’m going to let you go so easily?” he looked up at you, moving his free hand south, slipping into your panties and rubbing your clit. He removed your panties, lifting your legs and tossing the article aside. Bakugou pushed in two of your fingers, stretching you apart and drawing out moans.

“Katsuki.....wait, stop....there’s people on the floor......” you moaned, shutting your eyes, senses focused on the sounds of squelching as his fingers thrust into your wet cunt. You began thrashing underneath him violently, hips moving on their own to meet the thrusts of his finger.

"You say that but your hips are moving on their own." he smirked deviously at you. Instantly, you bashfully looked away, covering up your face, fully aware of all the embarrassing expressions you were making. Sex with with Bakugou tend to be between soft and rough. He preferred to keep it that way but there were times where little things triggered him to go rough and this is definitely one of the times. A small squeak tore out from your lips when he pulled out his fingers.

"Look, you're already so wet." he stretched his fingers a little. You looked down onto your stomach bashfully. When you heard the clicking of a belt and the rustle of clothing, you gazed at your boyfriend who began to strip himself, tossing his clothes to the ground. The mere sight of your boyfriend hovering over you with nothing on was arousing, causing you to instinctively close your legs. Bakugou forcefully pushed your legs apart, baring you to him.

When you felt the tip of his dick rubbing against your clit and entrance, you whimpered softly at the tingling pleasure. Much to your surprise, he pushed in without a warning. A loud gasp tore out from your lips and you found yourself shutting your eyes tightly and clenching onto the bed sheets for your dear life. Bakugou stilled, moving his hand to cup your cheeks, a wave of guilt washing over him when he saw the discomfort on your face. The warmth from his hand had you slowly fluttering your eyes open, meeting with his slightly apologetic gaze.

It took you a while to calm down from the shock and with a squeeze of his hand, you motioned him to move. He started slow, pushing into you with such precision and detail. Your gasps turned into pleasurable moaning. The feeling of his dick pumping into you gave you nothing but pleasure now.

“K-Ka―Aaah―tsuki! Please, faster.....Aaaah!” you moaned helplessly.

Bakugou slammed into you over and over, keeping his vice-like grip on your hips. His pace was relentless and had you moaning his name like it was the only thing you knew. Despite going so rough on you, he seemed to be as accurate as ever, the tip of his cock was brushing against that delicious spot inside you that had your eyes rolling back in pleasure. Your whole body jerked forward with each thrust and you pressed your face against the pillow to muffle your noises. A disapproving grunt left the ash blonde’s lips as he moved his hand to rub at your clit.

“Don’t you fucking keep your moans to yourself. There’s no one on this floor right now. Moan as loud as you can. Moan my name, tell me who you belong to, [First Name].” he slowed down his pace, prolonging your orgasm. Your eyes were brimming with tears as a bit of drool came from the side of your mouth. You looked back at your boyfriend, cheeks flushed a scarlet red.

“You’re fucking mine and mine only! No one will ever get to see you like this, a hot mess. This sight is just for me and me only.” he growled possessively. There was something about his demeanor that turned you on even more. 

“I belong to you, Katsuki.....only you and no one else.” you panted. He began thrusting again, making your entire body jerk and your body tingle with pleasure. Bakugou groaned at the feeling of your walls wrapping around his cock, it was warm and welcoming. The bed creaked lightly at the intense movement as you clenched onto the sheets till your fists trembled. The sound of skin slapping, your moans and his groans filled the room.

“F-Fuck, you’re so fucking tight every goddamn time.” he grunted. It only took a few more thrusts for you to moan his name loudly.

“Katsuki! I’m so―close! I’m cumming! I’m gonna cum! Aaaaah!” with one last moan and your head tossed back, you came around his cock. Just as he was about to come, he pulled out of you and pumped his erection with his hand. With a groan of your name, he came on your back, painting your skin with strings of his release. His heart nearly stopped at the sight of you looking at him with loving eyes. Bakugou helped you clean up and watched as you roll over, face still red and your breathing slightly ragged. 

He laid down next to you and almost instantly, you cuddling up to him, resting your head against his chest. Bakugou wrapped an arm around your form and kissed your head, earning a soft giggle from you.

“Well, that was some great jealous sex.”

“I am not fucking jealous!”

You shut him up with a quick peck on his lips, giggling at the sight of his flustered face. The male muttered incoherent curses under his breath and felt you lean closer to him, wrapping your arms around his body and relishing his warmth. When he looked down at you, he was met with the sight of your sleeping face. He sighed softly and tangled his legs with yours.

“You’re fucking lucky I love you.”

Total: 2086 words Published: 16.01.2019

Thank you for requesting! *｡٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و*｡ It’s been a year, seriously, a whole year since we posted requests on tumblr. I’m surprised at the amount of attention our reposts are getting. It makes me happy to see that people are enjoying our work. I have finally finished my assignment and decided to use my time to work on this with Natsuki. Have a nice day everyone! ― author Lou

Thank you for requesting! I haven’t touched tumblr in ages because I’ve been very busy with university. This actually serves as a way for me to let out some stress. Same with Lou, I’m really happy to see that a lot of people are reading our work. I hope you didn’t wait for too long anon. We both hope you enjoyed it! ― author Natsuki

Please do not mind the grammar mistakes and typos.

[orainosnow]

Do I want a boyfriend?

This is something I wrote when I was in high school where I talk about womanhood, romance, expectations, and desires. This comes from the perspective of a 17 year old girl. 

tw: sexual assault (mentioned, not gone into detail)

Do I Want a Boyfriend?

Alternatively: a feminist manifesto

It’s times like these when I think I want a boyfriend: the lull in between family card games and sleep, sitting by myself listening to an indie-rock playlist on spotify I want to share with someone and not feel guilty about it. Doing absolutely nothing. I want someone to share doing nothing with. Lately my mother has been emphasizing that a “good boy” will come around. She listens to a cheesy song from the 80s, tells me her ex boyfriend (Scott, not Carlos) dedicated this extremely cheesy song to her and she loved every second of it. She says my future boy will dedicate songs to me and sweep me off my feet. Whether he’s coming or not is debatable, but I can say for sure he’s not here now, so call me teenagerish and impatient because all I can think of is now. 

Now, three songs into my indie playlist, I have no idea what kind of boy I could ever be with. No boy, the exception being David, a snotty 10 year old who was into “younger women” (I was 9), has ever shown interest me. This isn’t to say that no boy has ever liked me, but David is the only one who asked me to be his girlfriend and have 6 of his babies (later that afternoon I asked my mother what sex was and decided to skip the rest of the camp he and I were attending). I don’t do well with subtleties, so if anyone has dropped hints or flirted with me, it definitely didn’t register. My fear of jumping to conclusions too soon and then being humiliated Disney-Channel-sitcom-style keeps me from noticing anything less subtle than getting hit in the face with a stop sign. Anyways, all this rambling is to say that no boy has ever tried to get with me, or if they did, I was too oblivious to notice.

No, I have never been sent a dick pic, and I’ve never been harassed by a boy in my high school. Unfortunately, these predatory behaviors are a way to measure which girls boys and men find attractive and fuckable. I don’t think any of these actions are acceptable, and the fact that they are described as harmless flirtation and compliments disgusts me. Still, a level of fear and predation is expected as a girl becomes a woman. I have observed that discussing discomfort, fear, and feeling helpless within groups of women is almost an act of bonding. Shared trauma, I guess. Well, my lack of trauma sometimes makes me feel disconnected from the feminine experience. 

It’s ridiculous, I know, and in no way am I asking to be assaulted, but womanhood strongly associated with suffering. Booty shorts and lingering fingers, bras and groping hands, a feminine figure and an oppressive dick. My friends tell me about strangers who follow them home, boys who snap their bras, pinch their butts, corner them in stairwells, men who stare too long at their cleavage, online harassment, physical harassment, and not being able to do anything about it. During sophomore year, a boy who was sent to a psych ward wrote my friend a 14 page manifesto claiming her best friend was manipulating her to have sex with a ton of guys to become popular and that she deserved a better guy (guess who he thought that was) and that she should transfer schools to be with him. She has been sexually assaulted, so has the girl who wears dresses and puffy jackets to school, and the girl who wears skinny jeans and crop tops, and so has she who wears sweats and baggy shirts, and so has he, and him, and so have I. 

Granted, my sexual assault happened in Egypt when a group of young boys thought it’d be funny to see who could touch my vagina and butt (unlike truly emotionally scarring and traumatic events that I could never claim solidarity with), but I insist to call it sexual assault because that is what it was. My personal space was invaded and my body was treated like a game, a passtime, an object. Assault is assault, and I claim mine. 

An eight year old egyptian boy has touched more intimate parts of my body than any other boy on the earth. Fuck that. Getting a boyfriend to make the last hands on my crotch not a random egyptian child is reason enough to get a boyfriend if you ask me (not even touching the subject of sex and if I even want it- we’ll cover that in another chapter). Along with feeling disconnected to the feminine experience with fear, I also feel disconnected in appearance and fashion. I don’t appear traditionally feminine: I don’t wear makeup, you’ll never casually see me in a dress or skirt if I have any say, I don’t wear jewelry, and I don’t have an hourglass figure. I don’t particularly want to change how I present myself, but I also don’t feel pretty. 

I place most of my value intellectually and have almost completely disconnected from my own body. My mind is brilliant, my body is just a suit to hold my mind. Since I don’t really see my body as a thing of value, I don’t dress up, and I don’t feel the need to be pretty. That doesn’t change the fact that boys are attracted to pretty, or sexy, or hot. Boys give their attention to girls with low cut shirts and faces with makeup. Maybe Mr. Nice Guy will come along and think I’m pretty anyways and love my mind. We’ll listen to my indie rock playlist and watch Bob’s Burgers on my school laptop. But I can’t help but think that a guy who will listen to indie rock and watch Bob’s Burgers with me is right in front of me, but he isn’t looking at me because my hair is falling in my face and the sweater I’m wearing isn’t form fitting or flattering. I don’t want to change, and I also don’t want to go unnoticed.

I’m hard to get to know, and I’m an amazing friend once I trust you. Somewhere along assertiveness training, martial arts, and feeling like I was a burden and needed to disappear, I got really good and being invisible and unapproachable. It’s a habit I don’t know how to turn off. Whenever I feel anxious or overwhelmed (which is almost every minute of the day), my face crunches up and my entire body tenses like it’s anticipating a punch in the gut. My mom says my face says, “I’m gonna cut you” when I get overwhelmed. It took a little while for my extended family to not think I was a psychopathic child. 

I’m not sure why boys don’t make grand romantic gestures for me or grab my ass as I walk up the stairwell to get to my advanced history class. I’m calling it now; I’m not going to get a promposal now or ever. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. I want to be fine with it, move on and validate myself, but my romantic kid at heart side just wants to feel overwhelmingly wanted. 

So, back to the question: do I want a boyfriend? I guess the answer is: yes, I do, but I refuse to change how I present myself to get one. If that means that no guys are interested in me, then I’ll deal with it. I can manage with or without a partner in life, even if I would prefer the company.

[spiritualgravity]

My Keto Case Study

I can’t remember exactly when I first began to diet. The earliest recollection I have was my freshman year in college, obviously I gained the obligatory “Freshman 15.” A girlfriend of mine was a distributor for Herbal Life — the program included shakes as well as about one million herbal pills.

At some point, I hopped on the Weight Watcher train. My Mother is a “lifer” — meaning she met her goal weight, and for the rest of eternity, will be known as a Life Long member...even if she doesn’t maintain the goal weight. My entire childhood, even until today — on the cusp of turning 40 years old — she still toggles on and off diets regularly...gaining and losing the same 20-30 pounds. We are kindred spirits with a fondness for carbs, but she prefers salty and I prefer sweets.

Over the past five years, I tried WW again, another company with shakes and pills, Whole 30, and I even made up my own program which basically included not eating any processed foods.

Before I got pregnant, I was about 20 pounds overweight. Technically, I actually “should” have weighed 40 pounds less, according to BMI algorithms, but my body has always enjoyed extra padding. I don’t think my infastructure is meant to be stick thin. Going into a process where your body willingly puts on weight in order to grow a human, and you’re already carrying extra poundage, certainly isn’t ideal.

I dropped some weight after giving birth, because said human left my midsection. Then, I’d like to think, that breastfeeding knocked off a few more pounds. Many months later, I eventually got down to the weight I started with when I was pregnant — which was — 20 pounds overweight. Sigh.

{Postpartum Photos}

In June, eight and a half months after giving birth, I stopped breastfeeding, and hadn’t worked out...not even broken a sweat...since right before giving birth. My entire pregnancy, all 41 weeks, I worked out religiously at CrossFit, and then never looked back once becoming a Mommy. This isn’t because I didn’t want to do overhead squats and crazy WODs, but because my baby didn’t sleep. I was essentially a zombie for her first year of life, while juggling and navigating postpartum depression.

Over the summer, while visiting my parents’ home, a friend from childhood came over to see my daughter and catch up. To my surprise, she dropped dozens and dozens of pounds. Our figures are very similar, we could even pass for sisters from below the neck. I was impressed by her success, and curious how she did it. Meanwhile, my Mother sat in the background at the kitchen table, overhearing our entire conversation, and decided she wanted in on the “Ketogenic” program, known as Keto.

Just like my Mom, I have historically lost weight for an event. Weddings were my go-to weight loss event, particularly when I was a bridesmaid (12 times no less). This particular time around, my Mom wanted to lose weight for a cruise she was going on in September; she went on the ship 15 pounds lighter but then subsequently didn’t stick to Keto.

For the next few weeks, after my initial talk with the successful Keto friend, I cannonballed headfirst into Google research. I consumed videos, read articles, watched more videos, and then read some more articles. After my sister’s wedding in early August, during the 13 hour drive back from New York, I spent some more time reading, and reading, and reading. It probably didn’t hurt that I also became privy to photos of me from the wedding — not only did I immediately realize I sadly no longer needed to wear nursing bras with zero support (Dear God, why didn’t anyone tell me?!?), but I did in fact need to get healthier. My body and face looked inflamed, and I was tired of not being able to wear my pre-pregnancy jeans.

I asked countless follow-up questions to my successful Keto friend, and also to another gal who lost a massive amount of weight following the Keto program (under a doctor’s supervision). I decided I was in.

My personality, at a microscopic level, is all in or nothing at all; I do not know what half-assing means. Some people call this discipline, I call it not wasting my time.

So on August 13th, I officially weighed in and measured my Mommy curves to begin the journey on a ketogenic diet. I’ve had curves since I hit puberty. I embrace them, and love that my strong legs resemble tree trunks. An hour glass figure isn’t the worst card to be dealt. So when I say curves, I just mean the extra thickkkkk curves that came with pregnancy. 

I wasn’t strict as far as counting macros, I simply counted (in my head) the number of net carbs I was consuming. That’s how my friend did it, so I figured I’d follow her lead. As it turned out, I personally needed to count my macros (ratio of protein / fat / carbs) in order to follow Keto correctly. I began using a free and easy app called Carb Manager for about two months until I got the hang of things and haven’t used it since because now I know what’s what.

Some people call Keto a diet, I’d like to think it’s my new lifestyle. I have absolutely no idea how long I’ll follow this lifestyle. I’m not naive enough to say for my lifetime, but it definitely isn’t going to be a shortlived stint. 

This process has been incredibly humbling at a visceral level. For starters, I am embarrassed to admit how incredibly ignorant I used to be when it came to judging things I knew nothing about. One of my best friends, who is fighting a chronic heart condition, first brought up the word “Keto” over the phone last year. I immediately snubbed the idea, exacerbated, I said, “it’s just like Atkins” (which was meant to be a negative connotation), and shut down the thought of her doing this diet. For the record, it’s not like Atkins (that program touts high protein, whereas Keto is moderate protein — this is signficant because too much protein can be turned into glucose/sugar). 

“The biggest form of ignorance is rejecting something you know nothing about.” - Wayne Dyer

The Ketogenic gurus are also hyper focused on not eating fake sugar, particularly lots of phony faux sweetners that are labeled “Keto” on the package, but are absolutely not Keto-approved because they will still spike your blood sugar levels as if you’re actually eating sugar. 

{Source: Epilepsy Foundation}

The name ketogenic means that it produces ketones in the body. (keto = ketone; genic = producing) Ketones are formed when the body uses fat for its source of energy.

Usually the body uses carbohydrates (such as sugar, bread, pasta) for its fuel. Because the ketogenic diet is very low in carbohydrates, fats become the primary fuel instead. The body can work very well on ketones (and fats).

Ketones are not dangerous. They can be detected in the urine, blood, and breath. Ketones are one of the more likely mechanisms of action of the diet, with higher ketone levels often leading to improved seizure control. However, there are many other theories for why the diet will work.

Secondly, for as long as my temporal lobes can recall, I have been adamantly against fasting…and, I’m not exactly sure why. Again, just another position I claimed with literally zero education or facts. My husband, for years and years, suggested I workout while fasting. I swore to him that I would fall flat on my face if I ever tried such an absurd strategy. 

Since I have been a devout low calorie follower, I’ve been chronically hungry. I was brainwashed to believe, with most of America, to have Fatphobia. I drank skim milk, which has a lot of sugar. I ate low fat packaged snacks, which were packed full of sugar. I ate mini meals all day long, 6 times a day. In other words, I was spiking my insulin all day long. My purse was always, without fail, full of munchies. Protein bars, crackers, apples, and a myriad of other nibbles. I would not, could not, leave my house without emergency food within arm’s reach. God forbid I got hungry and immediately turned hangry. Come to think of it, I was basically a 5′4″ child who was, at any given time, on the verge of a meltdown from being ravenousness. I didn’t quite realize it, but I was starving myself, and yet ironically, still overweight.

When I started Keto, my motivation was weight loss. But, what’s fascinating, is learning that weight loss is actually a side effect. The Ketogenic diet was originally designed for people who suffered from epilepsy and helped control their seizures. Ketogenic eating has been known to decrease inflammation in the body, eliminate diseases such as diabetes or heart conditions, sleep issues, GI troubles, and the resolution list goes on and on. 

What I’ve learned is that our bodies have 2 primary sources of fuel — glucose  (sugar / carbs), and fat. When you eliminate or greatly reduce glucose / sugar / carbs, your body will eventually start to burn fat for fuel. Luckily, I have a tremendous amount of excess fat that’s been waiting for an intevention. 

There is an enormous amount of misinformation ‘out there’ about eating Keto, and I am the first to admit I was super skeptical before I did my homework. 

Keto can get a bad rap for eating unlimited bacon, cheese, and bacon cheeseburgers. The other night, while out to eat with a group of ladies, for an appetizer I had a wedge salad (which includes veggiesc and crumbled blue cheese), and for dinner I had broccoli, asparagus, and a delicious steak. I put a little bit of real butter on my veggies. Also, the table enjoyed an array of desserts and not only did I not partake in the sugar fix, I didn’t even want any / I didn’t feel like I was missing out. In my past carb-laden life, I plunged my spoon into the dish first, and shoveled the brownie and ice cream into my pie hole as fast as I possibly could. There are varying versions of keto, that range from “dirty” to “clean.” When you eat dirty Keto, that’s what has given the program an unhealthy shadiness reputation on the streets. I fall in line closer to the cleaner side of keto, but have my dirty moments, and always eat organic, nitrate-free, etc. whenever possible. Oh and for the record, I usually drink one glass of red wine with my dinners. I may have lost weight, but I haven’t lost my damn mind. I draw the line at giving up my vino, that’s non-negotiable, and more importantly — I’ve been able to stay in ketosis. And yes I eat a small serving of fruit from time to time, berries are the best option and happen to be my favorite. 

Because every one is different, literally and metaphorically, results vary. My personal journey was that I shrunk in size, but the scale didn’t have impressive numbers to show for my effort. 

Come October, on the same day that my daughter turned one year old, I joined a gym. By that time, I had two months of Keto under my belt. Since I was a CrossFit junkie for 3 years pre-baby, I had to check my ego at the fitness facility’s door and slowly take it one day at a time. Besides picking up a baby thousands of times, I really hadn’t moved a muscle in 365 days. My body went through an enormous metamorphosis after making a little person, and I knew in my bones that I truly had to ease my way back into a safe grove. I sat down with a registered nurse at the gym and she did a body mass analysis using a machine that can calculate your composition make-up. 

This is where my self-fulfilling prophecy manifested, in the form of a personal case study. During college, I sucked at all things math, but ironically I was a wanna-be wizard at statistics. I got a B+ and until this day, I live for stats. With this documented analysis, I was stoked to have a baseline for my Keto journey that was more than just a generic number on a scale. Sure, I have baggage with the God foresaken scale, but now I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the scale does not tell the whole story. 

Next up, I went to my Primary Care Physician’s office and had blood work drawn, along with a physical exam. I would also use these clinical insights as a foundation for improving my health, as well as proving that this way of eating is in fact healthy and not destroying my heart or other organs, or jacking up my cholesterol. 

Come January, I started to dabble in “I.T.” — intermittent fasting.

Now, when I say I’ve done my research, I mean an absurd amount of research. For almost a decade, my profession has been based in the medical field, so I’ve become a wee bit snobby when it comes to peer reviewed, scientific-based information. Blogs and anecdotal banter do not hold a candle in my book; I want facts, documentation, and proof. I want real stories from real people. I want lab work and the truth.

From mid-October through today, I’ve worked out on average about 4 times a week for one hour at a time. I joined a gym that has a daycare and now the sun shines a little brighter. My mini me gets to socialize with little people, and I get to lift weights (which doesn’t entail lifting a little person). I no longer listen to music while working out and I’ve become unapologetically obsessed with Podcasts. I realize I’m way, way behind the digital audio fad, but nonetheless I can’t get enough of them. Despite my husband’s dismay at potentially drowning my iPhone, I even listen to Youtube videos and Podcasts in the shower for goodness sake. Oprah, Tony Robbins and their leadership development peers make regular appearances, but for the most part, I’m quite literally up to my ears in Keto-related content. 

Maybe this is because I’m a real life sponge and adore the process of learning. Maybe it’s because I’ve been trained through my professional line of work that it takes listening/reading/hearing the SAME information at least 5x before you even retain a fraction of it. Who knows.

With that said, I’ve been convinced through dozens and dozens and dozens of 'classroom’ hours that intermittent fasting is a phenomenal practice for our bodies. And, if my own mad scientist research wasn’t enough, then when my friend who is currently battling breast cancer was told by her global team of physicians to do I.T. because it helps shrink those asshole cancer cells, certainly proved the point that removing sugar from our systems is a miracle worker.

I.T. comes in different forms because there are a variety of disciplines, but the most popular one is 16:8 / you don’t eat for a 16 hour window and you do eat for an 8 hour window. Within that 16 hour window, you’re sleeping for hopefully 7-8 hours of them, which basically means you don’t eat breakfast and you start your first meal with lunch. And, here’s the fun part — when you get the majority of your fuel from healthy fats, you aren’t even hungry, so fasting is actually not a big deal. Just like the rest of my journey, I worked up to this goal. I started with 12 hours, then 13, and so on.

I tried a longer fast, about 60 hours, in January. This was supposed to be some type of reset for my body. I felt like my weight loss was stalling, despite no cheats and working out. The first day was extremely difficult for me, I wanted to quit throughout the afternoon. The second day was a complete 180 degree turn — I wasn’t hungry and felt totally fine. But, I wanted to eat anyway. This experience really helped me stare my relationship with food face-to-face. I quieted my mind and asked why did I want to eat, I wasn’t even hungry. I realized that it’s the habit of eating I was used to, even if I wasn’t hungry.

Several people I know have loved ones who had gastric bypass surgery. It broke my heart to hear that there is no counseling after the fact — sure it’s available, but they weren’t utilizing it, nor was it required. And, they were back to their original style of eating and unhealthy types of food that qualified them for this surgery to begin with. 

Food can be used as a drug, just like other stereotypical vices including gambling and shopping. I know that no matter what “diet” or lifestyle change I become a VIP member to, it’s just a Band-Aid until I fix the root of the issue — using food to fill me up. I also realize that history has a way of repeating itself and I’ve walked in my Mother’s shoes, witnessing her on some type of diet my entire life.

I am approaching the 8 month mark as a Ketogenic crony, and here is where things currently stand:

I’ve lost 21 pounds. 

I’ve lost 14 inches between my hips, waist, thighs and chest.

I’ve lost 2-3 pant sizes — even fitting in to my “goal pants” (which I have never been able to zip up, including when I bought them years ago).

I weigh less than I did at my wedding four years ago.

I mentally and physically feel amazing and am rarely hungry. I repeat, I am not hungry. Eating fat is satiating...what a freaking concept (girl hits empty carb head against brick wall).

In all of my days walking this earth, no one has ever once told me that I was tiny. Last week, two people on the same evening said, “You’re tiny.” Granted, I am not tiny. In fact, I’m technically still overweight on the BMI algorithm, and according to...what I like to refer to as my Momma Kangaroo belly pouch... but that leads me to my next point.

One week ago I had my follow-up appointment with both the gym’s registered nurse as well as my PCP. I had both original tests re-run in order to determine, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was 100% healthy. Obviously being able to stowaway my maternity jeans, and have my leggings become baggy speaks for itself, but I wanted to know what was really going on behind the zippers and elastic bands.

At the PCP appointment, my provider couldn’t stop gloating about how much weight I had dropped since our last visit. The next day, an email came through with results from the blood work as a 3-page report. At the very end it says, and I quote, “Your lipid panel results are acceptable. Continue your Keto diet, it is not detrimental to your cholesterol.” 

My body composition test results were also impressive. 

BMI —from 30.2 (obese) to 27.9 (overweight)

Body Fat %: 37.2 to 35.2

Blood pressure — from 130/80 to 110/78

And what really made me jump for joy, was finding out the breakdown of my “dry lean mass” and “body fast mass.” The nutritionist, who was a skinny mini, said to me, “Your skeletal muscle mass is nearly above average. I’ve spent my whole life doing massive amounts of cardio, which is why I’m so skinny, but I should have been doing much more weightlifting and less cardio. Keep doing what you’re doing.” In other words, the stupid scale not moving exponentially and “only” losing about 20 pounds is a bunch of bologne. I legitimately have put on muscle, praise the Lord almighty. 

So there you have it folks. This is one way of getting healthy. I’m sure it’s not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me. I do not feel deprived, whatsoever. The food I eat is absolutely delicious, I’m satisifed after eating, and there are thousands of Keto-friendly recipes to make the process a breeze — including yummy alternative carb staples such as breads. 

I’ll sign off with a few insider tips and resources.

Drink a lot of water. People — listen to me — do this anyway. But especially if you’re doing Keto. I drink 3 liters of water a day. My goal is to drink 1 by noon, 1 by 5pm, and the rest before bed.

You’ll lose water weight and with that, electrolytes will flush out, which is why you want to replace them. Otherwise, you’ll get what’s called the “Keto Flu.” Don’t do that. Up your electrolytes (potassium, magnesium and sodium), ideally through whole foods but also in supplements (vitamins and/or electrolyte drinks). By eating Ketogenic-friendly foods, your body won’t get as much of this as it normally would and balanced electrolytes make you feel awesome. 

Don’t be scared of veggies just because they have carbs. Veggies are good for you, really really good for you and have tons of fiber. They’re not all created equal of course, but enjoy your greens every single day.

I don’t recommend starting out with Keto-style desserts / sweets or Keto breads. You can work those into your meals later on, once you’ve gotten fat adapted (Google what that means), but they should be considered a treat and not a staple in your everyday regimen. 

Check out these links for Dr. Fung —all things Intermittent Fasting — and Dr. Berg for all things Keto and nutrition. 

You don’t have to do this in order to follow Keto, but I have enjoyed drinking exogenous ketones for the last few months. I drink it as my “pre workout” drink or while I’m working out. It gives me lots of energy and all the benefits of ketones. I have a customer referral code if anyone would like it.

This may be the first time, in all of my diet dabbling years, that I’ve ever truly faced why I treated food like medication. It’s also the first time I’ve ever tried to lose weight and it wasn’t for an event. 

I’m turning 40 years old this summer and we may consider giving my daughter a sibling, if that’s what the good Lord wills. My ‘event’ milestones with a dress size to fit into has been replaced with the lifelong milestone of being a Mother. I want to be a confident woman who my daughter looks up to and admires my health from the inside — out. I want her to know that food is for nutrition, not for stuffing feelings down. I want her to know that the scale doesn’t define her worth. I want her to know that muscles and strength is sexy. I want her to know that she’s perfect exactly the way she is. 

[theaspiringwanderess]

Packing For The West Coast Trail; Essentials, Clothing and Food

Return to My WCT Story | Booking: Reservations/Transport | Clothing, Essential Items, Recommended Items, Optional Items, Food

You Don’t Need The Kitchen Sink - Trust Me

Packing is a BIG deal for the WCT. It’s a lot to pack and there’s the pressure of not getting caught without the essential gear while keeping it all at a manageable weight. My first WCT trek I vastly over packed a 53lbs bag! It killed my hike and was hard on my body and most of the extra was food I hated, which was the worst. My second time I managed 38lbs and it went down dramatically as I ate! I packed everything on each list below (minus the book which i forgot and the GPS which I didnt bring) and still kept it at 38lbs including my food. Always opt for the lightest version. Cut size where you can, even the smallest items eventually add up (ex. some people cut off tooth brush handles, I have a rain shell instead of a full jacket, a double foam sleeping mat is much lighter - but bigger- than a blow-up mattress, an ultra light single unit stove, etc)... One spork for all and all for one spork!

Clothing

The proper clothing is a key factor in keeping you dry, warm/cool and happy. It’s important to keep it light weight but you also must be certain it’s functional for your needs. In 2016, my sister brought a rain jacket she tested and thought was waterproof. A full day of beach hiking in pouring rain later, not only did she learn the hard way it was not, but poor girl was cold, soaked and shivering too hard to do anything but shiver. Be 100% sure about your gear. You also want to be selective about fabrics. Avoid cotton, which retains moisture, and feather/down which loses its loft (heat trapping ability) when damp. Merino wool is a great bet to stay warm and dry and is the best option for socks and sweaters. Synthetic, sweat-wicking active wear is light weight and dries quickly for the daily hike. I also prefer my leggings and shorts to have a zip-up pocket or two. 

I pack my clothing in a waterproof stuff-sack, and I put tanks in one small ziplock, underwear and bras in another, and pjs in a third so they stay dry, clean and easy to find. I keep a safeway bag for dirty clothing and my lesser used items at the bottom (towel, bathing suite).

I always pack my sleeping bag in a garbage bag every morning before it goes in my pack. In the event I fall in a creek... or the ocean?... it’ll add a level of extra water-proof protection. I also re-waterproofed my Lowa hiking boots for the first time ever... this is their second visit to the WCT after all. And, as a random side note, don’t plan to wash your clothes on the WCT. I’ve seen so many people make this mistake. Trust me, nothing that gets wet will dry. EVER. If you have a sunny day, air it out, dry it in the sun, pack it up in a ziplock.

It’s important to note everyone has different needs. You might be ok with 2 pairs of hiking socks! Or one pair of leggings... This is just what worked best for me based on the experiences of both my trips. Customize your WCT adventure-wear as you see fit ;)

3 tank tops, active wear / workout (sweat wicking, not cotton!)

2 pairs of leggings, active wear / workout (seat wicking and stretchy for flexibility and comfort with zip pockets)

2 pairs of workout shorts (sweat wicking and stretchy, w/zip pockets)

3 pairs of merino wool hiking socks

1 pair of wooly socks to sleep in (in case you get cold)

2 pairs of sock liners (major blister prevention technique)

PJs: 1 tank top, 1 merino wool sweater, 1 pair merino leggings or light weight sweat pants

1 or 2 long sleeved sweater(s) active wear / sweat wicking (to wear under your rain jacket or as a warming option in morning) *I took one, but in the event you’re sweaty or expect a lot of rain, 2 is advisable.

3 pairs of underwear active wear / workout (or merino wool if you want to splurge) *for women 7 panty liners (1 per day) to extend your underwear life.

1 bathing suite top (use a pair of used shorts for bottoms and you’ll double their use and wash them at the same time!) ... or dudes wear just your shorts of course!

Essential Items

*For your emergency kit it is extremely important to bring allergy and pain meds. Unexpected reactions and injuries happen all the time. On my Murtle Lake canoe trip, my friend had a terrible reaction to the abundance of mosquitos for the first time in her life and I myself, not having allergies, have come away from the WCT with skin infections and allergic reactions. On average 80-100 hikers a year are emergency evacuated from the WCT due to injury or inability to continue.

1 good hiking backpack with hip belt & chest strap & RAIN COVER

1 pair waterproof hiking boots high top - comfortable, already broken in

1 pair hiking gaiters (protect against ticks, bugs, keeps pants, legs and boots dry, shields mud!)

WCT Trail Map, Tide Tables (provided by parks staff)

WCT overnight pass copy (in a ziplock bag somewhere safe)

$160 minimum cash for water taxi, crab shack, chez moniques (in a ziplock bag somewhere safe)

1 pair ultra-light sandals

1 waterproof rain jacket

1 towel (very small, microfibre recommended)

bear spray

single size cooking stove (I love my jetboil flash lite)

cooking stove fuel for 7 days (2 small cans or one large 230 g can)

long handled spork (this titanium one is the shiznit!)

emergency whistle

emergency kit (gauze, medical tape, various sized bandages, disinfecting/antibiotic cream, a few tabs of common medications such as tylonel, asprin, allergy treatments like benedryl or reactin).

2 regular toilet paper rolls with cardboard tube removed (in a ziplock)

Fire Starters:

1 lighter & 1 flint striker (learn how to use it! This is a great video)

Dependable fire starter (2 or 3 tiny balls of dryer lint rolled with a small amount of unscented vaseline inside a ziplock bag work great in wet weather and will burn for 10-15 mins)

sunscreen

2 (1 litre) water bottles OR 1 bottle and a 2 litre camel back water bag

Water purification tabs (my go-to is Pristine brand). Ensure they are the 30 minute variety (not 1-3 hours). Alternatively some people use a UV light but this does require batteries and adds weight

tarp, lightweight

paracord (15 m or 50 ft)

2 carabiners, 1 that can hold 50 lbs, 1 small light (for random things)

1 sleeping bag, synthetic fill (ideally good for +5 celcius)

1 waterproof tent with rainfly (*I have a cheap 2 person waterproof coleman tent with a tarp bottom that I later bought replacement aluminum poles for. The poles made a 5lb tent a 3lb tent - impressive investment. I pack the poles and my friend the tent body = 1.5lb/each)

cell phone (I use my phone camera a lot so I brought 2 backup chargers. Solar charging is not an option given fog)

3 extra large black garbage bags and  

3 large ziplocks (for trash, as an emergency poncho, keep feet dry in wet boots, the uses are endless)

1 pocket knife

1 flashlight

sunglasses

closed cell foam sleeping pad or light weight blow up mattress pad

1 watch, battery or wind-up water proof or at least resistant - digital watches can get damaged when wet or expensive watches ruined)

1 poop trowel.. yes you read that correctly - the plastic kind

1 bug spray (there weren’t many bugs, lots of wind though!)

2 travel sized hand sanitizers (for covid & as well after nature’s call)

1 emergency blanket

1 small soap or body wash (environmentally friendly brand)

1 travel toothpaste & toothbrush [small]

gloves (fingerless mesh back type for weight lifting is best)

neck gaiter (*instead of a hat - can double as a hat)

Other Recommended Items

unscented lip balm... you don’t want to smell like a walking buffet

1 light weight sleeping bag liner to keep sand and dirt out (I prefer silk)

ball cap or foam visor *non-water absorbing (this can be worn on a sunny day or under a rain hood to keep rain off your face).

1 emergency plastic poncho

1-2 hair ties (it gets wet and windy and they double as pack ties!)

sweat band

baby wipes (good for cleaning your face, or dishes...)

a small book or time passer (don’t bring a giant novel)

Items I’d Consider Optional

rain pants (*optional as long as you have a long waterproof rain jacket. gaiters provide extra leg protection or if its warm don shorts! skin dries)

small camera with good battery life (not necessary if you use your phone)

pen and paper for notes or emergencies

small GPS or Spot satellite device

1 waterproof phone case (if you bring a phone)

1 extra light pillow (optional - i had one this time but usually use my sweater)

Food Recommendations

On the WCT you are expending roughly 3000-4000+ calories per day. That’s more than double the average 120lb marathon runner going hard for 2 hours if they ran 12 miles. You are Climbing, Hauling, Pushing, and your feet are operating at the agility level of “expert cat on steroids”. So, essentially you NEED the calories. But packing the right amount (and weight) of food is challenging. I’m happy to report this time I ate it all by the end so it was the perfect amount. If you find you are running low or forgot something, you might be able to grab it from the Nitinaht crab shack and likewise if you over pack you can leave extra food there for someone else. But please, do NOT leave garbage.

**Note, I must, must stress - DO NOT leave garbage on the trail. There is no garbage removal service. Parks staff do not remove it and with covid there are fewer staff in general. Garbage is a major bear attractant and you put others at risk leaving it behind. 2021 is a year with only Canadians allowed on the WCT and the amount of garbage was appalling.

The WCT, and island in general, is VERY humid. It’s best to bring items in individual packages, otherwise things clump or mush. On our first trip, my sister brought important medications that melted and became extremely difficult to take. My advice is to pack any daily meds you must bring in the plastic containers with individual days. This way if something similar happens to you, you can still be safe knowing the amount taken.

Additionally, I work with a very simple but effective system of ziplock bags. This keeps everything fresh, organized, and easy to find as you go. I have one large ziplock for breakfasts, one for lunch & snacks, and one for dinner. As I finish breakfast I move it to the bottom of my bear bag and put lunch/snacks on top for easy access and so on - Ta-da!

I consider lunch and snacks the same thing as we never stopped for a cooked meal mid-day. In 2016 my sister talked me into doing dried lentil dinners and it was the WORST (... for me, she loved it!). It made it hard for me to want to eat, which was a big set back. I have this vivid memory burned into my brain from our first trip of an adorable father - daughter duo whom we criss-crossed a lot. One rainy day he had her tucked up under a tree eating the most delicious looking meat and cheese sandwich and my instant thought was ‘awww, so cute... I’d kill you for that sandwich though...”. Who knew a sandwich could insight such murderous intent?!

My lesson learned was when it comes to physically demanding, multi-day hikes, pack healthy but also things you enjoy eating. I strive for light weight first and foremost. I love fruit but it doesn’t pack well, so items like fruit leathers work well. Real, individually wrapped, cheese sticks are a great too; by day 5 they get soft or oily, but they never go bad (harder cheeses like cheddar are naturally preserved), so I stick to 4 or 5 day cheese supplies. My ultra-favourite hiking snack - individual wrapped rice crispy squares! I pack 2 per day... and a couple extra for desserts! I never packed enough of each junk food to have one for every day, instead with treats I generally aimed to have 4-5 of each and mix it up. In between hikes, I also spend some time picking up and trying different types of nuts. Don’t get me wrong, peanuts are good, but after 4 days they get pretty boring. I often pop into a Winners or Home Sense store and look for enticing types of nut mixes and I’ll keep them in my car to snack on and decide if its a keeper.

Im also very careful about toothbrushing too because prolonged periods of hiking without proper dental care wrecks havoc on your teeth.

Ok! Down to the nitty-gritty! My dinner ziplock has 1 dinner for each night and sometimes a hot (dehydrated) dessert. And I have a small ziplock for items like my toothbrush, toothpaste, body wash slips, and anything else that might need to go in the bear bag. Again, I’ll preface this by saying its important to note everyone’s needs are unique and based on the experiences of both my trips, this is the food I packed.

Breakfast Ziplock

7-8 easy breakfasts (i pack 1 peaches & cream oatmeal for each morning and an extra in case we missed the bus).

coffee - starbucks via’s have been my favs! but nescafe also makes individual coffees and a fab toffee nut cappuccino option!

sugar and powdered creamer (individual pkgs) & tea in a smaller ziplock

a smaller ziplock for toothbrush/paste, body wash etc

Lunch / Snacks Ziplock

bag of beef jerky

individual (real) cheese sticks (usually cheddar, or a hard variety works best, soft cheese goes bad faster)

a few bags of different varieties of nuts (*lemon sea salt almonds, tamari nut mix, cilantro lime cashews, Dare brand Vietnamese coffee flavoured macadamia nuts)

2 bags snack sized hawkins cheezies

5 individually pkgd M&M’s chocolate & oatmeal cookies (*the M&M cookies were crumbly, the oatmeal squished but stuck together!)

16 Rice crispy squares - my ultra-fav hiking snack, individually wrapped (2 per day + couple extras)

4 fruit leather bars in a smaller ziplock

4 snack sized oh-henrys in a smaller ziplock

2 bags Stinger caffeine gummies & 2 capsules Nuune electrolyte/caffeine tabs in a smaller ziplock

Dinner Ziplock

1 dinner for each night and sometimes a hot (dehydrated) dessert

Presidents Choice brand (bagged) vegetarian chili *this was a new try for me, normally I advocate for dry only food because wet is messy, can leak, is heavy and can go bad fast. BUT! I ate this the first night on the trail so it was gone quickly, and it stood up to the abuse and was only $3!

AlpineAire potato cheddar soup (dehydrated) is my fav dinner. fast, hot, make in the bag, and tasty!

2 Stove Top brand stuffing; cut a small hole, let out the air, retape. write water and instructions on the bag. Throw away the box. (*mix with 1 pkg gravy)

1 Instant mashed potatoes; cut a small hole, let out the air, retape. write water and instructions on the bag. Throw away the box. (*mix with 1 pkg gravy) - FYI this is a BIG meal, make only what you can eat or bring a smaller amount if you cant eat the whole thing.

3 pkgs reduced salt gravy mix

1 Nomad Nutrition vegetarian shepards pie dehydrated meal.

1 dehydrated dessert hot option (maple rice pudding this time!)

Return to My WCT Story | Booking: Reservations/Transport |

[demiebby]

Omggg request are open 👏🙌 hmm could you please do a Bloo scenario where he comes over to y/n house for just a deep talk and relaxing but he ends up confessing and y/n confesses back💕💖 thank you sooo much

Deep Talk

A/N: This is my first time ever doing a request using the “Y/N” because I try to avoid it. Since it’s awkward for me to use. Hopefully you’ll enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Characters: Y/N, Bloo/Kim Hyeunwoong

Genre: Romance, Slight Angst (I guess)

You opened the door to your apartment as soon as you arrived back from the gym. It was summertime and you were determined to snap back into a new person, new body. Lately you’ve been going up to a gym up in the metro that a friend of yours had been visiting. You would drive ten miles to the workout gym, run on the treadmill, lift a few ten pound dumbbells, and return to your vacant haven covered in sweat from head to toe.

The work outs paid off. Your stomach was toned, flat, and you could see faint muscle coming in. You went up to the body-length mirror in your bathroom, and stood in front of it. Your eyes sparkled with glee at your reflection. Your head tilted to the side as you ran a hand slowly down your lean stomach, caressing the exposed tight skin. That day you opted to wear a sports bra, tight-fitting nylon capri leggings, showing off the hard work you put in.

Your reason for working out, when you’d really prefer a day to lie in bed was because of your ex. No he didn’t cheat, or he didn’t abuse you. It was just his attitude towards you. He spoke with a harsh tone when you’d ask him the simplest of questions. His hands would jerk in the air as if he was getting annoyed. Not to forget the constant eye roll. You thought while the time you were with him they were going to roll out from his head. Since he was like that; you chose to leave.

This body and the new mind you had was going to be the key to showing and telling your ex-boyfriend that, “Hey this is what you could’ve had, but you lost it.”

After admiring yourself in the mirror you went to take a shower. Your music was blasting on your phone as you took your shower. You were singing along to the lyrics of Ariana Grande “Love Me Harder” your voice straining to reach Ariana’s soprano vocal range. You suddenly stopped when you realized you couldn’t beat Ari at her own game, and laughed to yourself. Washing off the soap suds from your body, you stepped out of the shower and wrapped a bathrobe around you. Followed by a hair towel to dry off your hair.

You exited the bathroom just in time to hear an endless ding emitting from your door. Your bewildered eyes drifted over to the door. You wondered who could be at your door. You went to get your slippers, before you rushed to open it.

“Coming! Hey chill!” You shouted above the constant dinging.

You swung the door open and there stood Hyeunwoong. He looked pretty annoyed, a cigarette hanging out the corner of his lip. He was about to light it up until you snatched out the lighter that he lifted up to his mouth. Hyeunwoong’s gawked at you his eyes wide and you retorted wordlessly with a roll of your eyes alongside a scoff.

You held up the lighter in your hand, pointing it at him, “You know how I feel about your smoking and drinking Bloo. Don’t come over here if you just want to smoke.” You disliked this habit of his, drinking and smoking. You generously handed him back his lighter and let him inside.

“Just go into the living room I gotta get dressed.” You say before heading off to your bedroom.

Around a few minutes later you showed up in the den wearing a gray long sleeved hoodie, gray capri leggings, and your favorite white Fenty by Puma slides. You plopped down on the sofa, letting out an exhausted sigh then reached over to grab your round black pillow. Your body held the cushion in a fetal position as you faced Hyeunwoong. The other male sitting adjacent to you on an opposite couch.

“I love this pillow so much, and I’m so tired I could just sleep.” You say before hiding your face into the pillow.

Hyeunwoong emitted a low grunt, slouching back on the sofa, and then combing his fingers through his black hair, “What have you’ve been doing all day to make you tired?”

At this you lifted your head up from the pillow and were preparing to respond. You folded your arm behind your head and replied, “This morning I woke up early to catch the sale at Victoria’s Secret, then I had to go to the store to buy food, my sister needed a ride to a friend’s house and back. I went and took her out to eat lunch because I skipped out on breakfast. Then I took her home and went out the gym. I worked out for… was it 2 hours? 30 minutes on the mill, 15 minutes lifting, and 15 minutes checking out some hotties.” Your lips curved mischievously to a grin and you chuckled to yourself. Hyeunwoong laughed along with you. “No but seriously, I was working out then I stopped by a restaurant to pick up some food for dinner, which means this time you can’t invite Owen and the rest. I’m not cooking tonight.” You looked over to Hyeunwoong, whom had his phone in his hand but dejectedly put it down. “And then I came back home, took a shower, you came and here I am.” Your hand patted the couch beneath you.

Hyeunwoong draws out an “Ah” nodding his head to you. When you ask him about his day, he clicks his tongue and shakes his head. “Same shit again.” He swore. He took a glimpse to the right then went on to explain, “When I woke up this fucking morning,” You giggled when he started cursing. “I got a missed call from Owen and a few text messages from him. He told me that I was supposed to be at the fucking studio last night. I texted him back asking what was up. He just said some other shit and stopped texting. Afterwards uh… oh yeah. I went to get breakfast with West, T, and Harin. As soon as we’re eating at the table, West and Harin get into an argument over him saying side comments about her being a groupie. She nearly tossed food at this dude until she was told to leave by the manager. Then I got pulled over for talking on the phone while driving. So I have to pay a fine. My day has been terrible.”

Your nose crinkled and mouth twisted upon hearing Hyeunwoong’s words. It was hard to believe that Hyeunwoong would have a bad day. Not that you thought of him as some sort of extraterrestrial being, but Hyeunwoong was the least likely to experience an off day.

You murmur, “Damn sorry to hear about that.” You folded your arms over your chest and then asked, “How much is the fine?”

Hyeunwoong replies, “200. Nothing too steep. I can pay that off by tomorrow morning.”

The atmosphere in the room gets quiet as the two of you are just sending each other quick glances. You didn’t know yet, but Hyeunwoong had something to get off of his chest. It’s been hanging above his head since he stepped a foot into your door. You puckered your lips out, a habit you casually obtained and then sat up on the sofa. You tug the hem of your hoodie down.

Just as you were about to speak your phone dinged indicating a text message. You took out your phone from the hoodie’s pocket and looked at the newest text message. A frown went on your face when you realize it was your ex-boyfriend. The text message read, “Y/N listen I’m sorry. Could we give us another chance?”

Hyeunwoong noticed the sullen expression on your face and he had a guess he knew what it was. “Is it another text from that asshole?” He asked you.

You nodded your head and promptly texted your ex, “Stop texting me.” before putting your phone on silent mode and placing the device on the end table. You laid down on your couch again, a gut-wrenching sensation slowly growing in your abdomen. Your hand reached into your shirt, caressing your stomach in small circles.

After your relationship ended in spite of you telling your ex that you will never go back to him. He didn’t get the memo. He would occasionally notify you with messages. Saying that he will change, he will do better, and he wanted you back. You on the other hand didn’t want him back. You were done and over with your ex. The love you once felt for him went away as soon as you ended it off with him. It was your ex that couldn’t grasp the fact that you were shrugging him off.

“You deserve better you know.” Hyeunwoong blurts out.

Your head solemnly nodded at his comment and your lips pressed together in a firm line. Your eyes were trained on the ceiling and you failed to notice Hyeunwoong moving. The couch you were occupied shifted a little, grabbing your attention and you saw him sitting close to you. His hands positions your feet on his lap and his hand caressed your ankles.

Your lips cracked into a humorous smile when he strokes your ankles. A light chuckle came afterwards, “Why are you rubbing my feet? Weirdo.”

Hyeunwoong didn’t respond to your question; instead he ignored it and said, “Could I ask you a question Y/N?”

You nod your head to Hyeunwoong and giggled once more. “You’ve already asked one, but go on ahead.” You say teasingly and in addition you shifted on the sofa.

Your eyes read over Hyeunwoong, you observed his body language. His eyes were lowered to your feet. His hand lightly squeezing your foot and then his thumb caressed the ball on the sole of it. You were starting to think of what was going through his mind. You could feel the ambience in the room shift to a thick tension. You swallowed.

“Do you like me Y/N?”

You coughed out a brief chortle, and smiled at Hyeunwoong. “Of course I like you.”

It was then you noticed the look in his eyes change. Hyeunwoong releases your foot to turn his body to face you on the sofa. His hands took you by the hips to sit you over his lap and hug you to his body. You were startled when he did that sudden action. His head gingerly laid over your chest and you could do nothing but just sit there – tense and curious. Why was he acting so weird today? What was making him act like this?

Hyeunwoong’s gravelly voice droned, “That’s not what I mean.” There was a short-lived pause and he continued, “I like you more than just a friend Y/N.” He lifted his head from your chest.

Those words he said to you were short yet they had your heart pounding. You now had questions to ask Hyeunwoong. When did he started liking you? Was it just a trick for you to fall for him? And more. Although the most important question you wanted to ask him was:

“Are you sure you like me Hyeunwoong? And if you are, then I want for you to tell me why.”

“I’m sure,” he assured. “Y/N I’ve liked you for a long time now. You’ve been the only female in my life that I can literally sit down with and have a conversation without ending up in your bed. Even while you were with that asshole Y/BF/N, I still felt these feelings for you.” Hyeunwoong grasps your hand, “I never wanted to tell you about it after you broke up with him because I wanted for you to be emotionally ready for another relationship. Y/N you make me happy just by being here. You make me wanna put down the bottle and the cigarettes.”

“We both know that won’t happen,” You interjected playfully.

“It might if you just stay with me and be my girl.�� Hyeunwoong declared.

You sat there on his lap biting your bottom lip. You and Hyeunwoong had been friends for a while. Nothing more than that, but now… he wanted to be yours. You were over your relationship with your ex-boyfriend. You no longer had feelings for him. However you weren’t particularly searching for a man at the moment. You wanted to focus your attention on other things such as your job, your exercising, and social life. You were trying to steer away as far from the romantic scene as much as possible. But then again… it just wasn’t in your character to leave someone heartbroken. Especially someone as emotionally critical as Hyeunwoong. You knew how he could be with rejection and you could imagine him reacting to your rejection of his proposal.

Hyeunwoong’s grip tightened your hand removing you out from your thoughts. You looked at his hopeful eyes and then you beamed. “I’ll be your girl Bloo.” You told him. He smooched your cheek sloppily to which you laughed at.

“So now that you’re my girl, why don’t I take you out on a date then?” Hyeunwoong suggested. The two of you stood to your feet, and you swung your conjoined hands together. You shrugged your shoulders, “Why not? But… the date better not be at some bar.” You pointed your finger at him.

Hyeunwoong sucked his teeth and groaned, “It wasn’t going to be at one dummy.” He poked your forehead.

You complained about the jab though it went away when you smiled up at him. You nudged your arm against his, “Let me go change into something else really quick okay?”

He nodded his head, “I’ll be waiting down here then for you.”

You departed to your bedroom to change clothes. It was then that Hyeunwoong felt everything was right now.